I don't drink. Never have, probably never will. I fear what my mind will do if I lose control of my inhibitions, you see. People tell me it's fun to let go, to just do things without thinking or remorse until it's over. And it probably is for them.
But not really for me. I think everything through, and I think that's my problem. I see all outcomes of every situation I'm involved in, and focus on the bad. I would focus on how I might fail a test, rather than looking at how I could improve my grade. I think about how my boss might replace me, or just fire me for incompetence, rather than bettering myself as an employee. I view every social interaction as just another rejection and horrible experience, rather than thinking about making friends or finding a partner. And every time I think about having a drink, I don't see a night of letting go and just enjoying the moment, I see myself hurting myself or others, if not physically, then at least emotionally. I've had a streak of bad decisions and shitty relationships in my life, and I just don't see bright outcomes anymore.
Oh sure I fantasize about happy endings, who doesn't? I imagine what it would be like to win the lottery, or to be married to my dream girl, or to nail an interview and get a perfect job. But I have an analytic, logical mind. I react to empirical data and facts. I've been unlucky my whole life, a shitty unmotivated worker, and have had 4.5 relationships fall so flat on their face that it's a wonder I got women interested in me in the first place. Whenever I get it in my mind that something will be different, that something will actually go right for me, reality has a way of bitchslapping me back into place.
Oh well. You learn to live with this stuff. You find comfort in the mocking tones, the hateful stares. You start to convince yourself that you're happy staying in alone, that relationships are just a burden and people disliking you just means they don't understand how great you are. You become king of your own empty castle, imagining that you're happy sitting on your throne, ruling no one but yourself. Misfortune just becomes part of your life, and you learn to welcome it like an old friend.
I guess that's why I like the internet so much. You expect everyone to hate everyone else, so it stings less when you're looked down on. You have no social status, your personality can be whatever you want it to be. But me, I choose not to hide it. I show myself, unmitigated, and in return the responses I get (mostly negative) are unmitigated by politeness and courtesy. It's actually a bit of a breath of fresh air, to not just suspect that people don't like you, but to have them tell it to your face.
I think 3 am is the perfect time for thoughts like this. The world sleeps, but I'm awake with my mind, such as it is. I can talk to my voices and personal demons and imagine a world where it's just me, alone. Or would it just be better to imagine a world that's the same, but without me? Such musings should wait for another day, I think.
I don't know if I like continuing these stream of consciousness things. Sorry if you've had to read through all of them up until this point.
Most times things don't work out like you want. I just got dumped by my first girlfriend tonight. I told her I was an athiest, and she told me she didn't want to date me anymore. Is it my fault? No. Is it her fault? No. We just wouldn't work out together. But that's ok. Even if I never find a girl who will be right for me, that's ok. Because I know how awesome I really am. Sure, having tons of friends and a beautiful girl to tell me I'm awesome would be great, but I don't need it. All I need is me. The rest is just sugar on top.
You seem to be in dire need of help, talk to a psychologist! Dont end up paranoid, superselfaware, insecure.
People are not out to get you! (most likely!)
Sick song, listening to this while reading the blog is creepy and cool
On December 23 2012 18:22 jrkirby wrote: Most times things don't work out like you want. I just got dumped by my first girlfriend tonight. I told her I was an athiest, and she told me she didn't want to date me anymore. Is it my fault? No. Is it her fault? No. We just wouldn't work out together. But that's ok. Even if I never find a girl who will be right for me, that's ok. Because I know how awesome I really am. Sure, having tons of friends and a beautiful girl to tell me I'm awesome would be great, but I don't need it. All I need is me. The rest is just sugar on top.
Perhaps I should write a girl blog?
oh fuck man, that is just aaaaaaaarghghghghg. I am also part of the atheist cult, and I can't even imagine dating a religious person. Well, I would date a religious person if they were sort of accepting that the actual facts are bullshit but the bible provides them with a sense of morals...but if she was a complete fundmentalist then your views are too different and you probably shouldn't be dating her anyway. My fantasies with Tiffany from SNSD were drastically reduced when I found out she was a christian. I just can't see us connecting ideas and thoughts. Now I only think about her 10 times a day
And you are so right dude, all you do need is yourself. Loving others starts with loving yourself. I think you have an important message for the OP.
You have to love yourself first Requizen. the rest is just sugar on top. Of course, I can give you all the motivational talk in the world + Show Spoiler +
best thing ever imo
but you just have to work it out yourself.
If I could suggest one thing, it would be to drink. Get a lot of your friends and go out on a weekend. Have some fun. You can be as pessimistic as you like (and I am quite the same, the internet has turned me into a bitch) but remember, you only live once (isn't that an acronym or something?) so have a bit of fun while you are still here
Nobody wants to involve themselves with someone with an attitude like that. If you want your life to improve, stop with the overly melodramatic self-pity and do something about it. Until then, enjoy your empty castle.
Your sadness is like a cold and stinky room where it is comfortable to lie down, alone, and phase out simply because you're used to it. You refuse to see the sunlight from within that room because you're content of your discontent. You even apologize after writing a blog. Why would the title be "open eyes" when its message is essentially diametrically opposed? There's nothing wrong with self-love. There's nothing wrong with disinhibition. There's nothing wrong with you. It's just the image you create of yourself, how you see yourself, that is the problem.
On December 23 2012 18:22 jrkirby wrote: Most times things don't work out like you want. I just got dumped by my first girlfriend tonight. I told her I was an athiest, and she told me she didn't want to date me anymore. Is it my fault? No. Is it her fault? No. We just wouldn't work out together
All I'm hearing is victim mentality. Not to mention you're way too neurotic.
You're full of fear, fear of everything. Stop worrying, tell your brain to shut the fuck up. Learn how to meditate, its hard to do but at least you'll be able to build some self awareness and self discipline.
Find things that you can enjoy, passions/hobbies etc. Develop healthy relationships, cut the negativity, be positive. Change your self perception and mindset. Its not easy but it's well worth it. For once in your life, just jump into the deep end and take risks.
On December 24 2012 05:11 Iranon wrote: Yeah, you're doing this to yourself.
Nobody wants to involve themselves with someone with an attitude like that. If you want your life to improve, stop with the overly melodramatic self-pity and do something about it. Until then, enjoy your empty castle.
Too true, I was going to write something along these lines but you did it for me.
On December 24 2012 06:04 sorrowptoss wrote: Your sadness is like a cold and stinky room where it is comfortable to lie down, alone, and phase out simply because you're used to it. You refuse to see the sunlight from within that room because you're content of your discontent. You even apologize after writing a blog. Why would the title be "open eyes" when its message is essentially diametrically opposed? There's nothing wrong with self-love. There's nothing wrong with disinhibition. There's nothing wrong with you. It's just the image you create of yourself, how you see yourself, that is the problem.
This message is on the right track.
As I was typing this out I was thinking to myself "Why bother? This guy probably won't read a thing, he will keep the cycle of self pity and self deprecation, he won't change". You know what, I'd like to think people can do something for themselves, prove me wrong. Heck I'd like to see a blog in a few months or a year saying how you've changed your mindset, mentality and how you turned your life around if only a little bit.
But if you prove me right, there is no winner, only a loser: yourself.
EPT
