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Being happy is hard. It really is. I try, a lot, and I've yet to make it stick. The best I can do is a sense of indifference, where I just accept the shit that gets thrown at me on a daily basis, letting it roll over me like a wave hitting the shore. And even that doesn't stick around for too long. It's easy to just give in to the more morose thoughts, the little whispers of self-loathing and crushing depression. It's simple to just accept that there's nothing for you on God's green earth, that the light at the end of the tunnel is really just a bus rushing towards you with no intent on stopping.
And then, once you accept that, you begin to wonder why you do it at all. I work because I need money to survive. I survive so I wake up and go to a job that I hate. I sit at home, alone, counting down the hours until it all repeats itself. What am I doing? Why am I doing this? There is no story, no interesting plot to my life. I'm just a background character, an NPC in the grand scheme of things. There's no endgame for me, I'm just repeating the same horseshit day in and day out because it's expected of me. I haven't truly enjoyed my life for... I can't remember the last time. I mean, the one thing in life that comes close to bringing me joy is playing games, but I'm terrible even at simple single player games, I play on the easiest mode available just because I don't have the ability to be good at the one thing I love in life. And that thought makes it so I can't even have fun, knowing that I'm fucking terrible ruins every second of gameplay for me.
I don't even know what to do anymore or why I'm doing it. I can't try to improve my life, find a new job, or just try to be happier because I know that I'll just fail, and it'll be worse. But I just don't want to go on doing what I've been doing for the stretch of my pitiful existence. I just want to sit down and stop, to just let the world go by without being part of it. I just want to be alone and not do anything at all, so I can never hate myself, so I can never fail, so I can never disappoint people around me.
  
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While minor differences abound, a concise, and nicely written viewpoint that I share.
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Do you have a job / finances that will allow you to save up a little bit of money and maybe go travel a bit? You don't have to take an expensive flight somewhere; if you have a car, or access to a bus/train, maybe you can find something interesting by exploring a bit!
I do understand what you're saying, and while I've never felt quite the same way, if I ever need to find purpose for myself to exist, I like to go on a hike. In my opinion, there is nothing quite like standing at the top of a mountain, in awe of the view, taking a deep breath of fresh air, and realizing that maybe that is enough. The beauty in the little things is often what I find makes me feel most grateful for being alive.
Hang in there bud <3
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Im feeling the same way right now, Im not going to get into details, but you should really talk to a professional. Just the fact that knowing why I am the way I am, why Im having my depression etc is helping me a lot, for instance, I am now, because I am aware of it, able to distance myself from the people in my life who has been holding me back and crushing me.
Also I am able to see their situation and why they act the way they do.
A professional ( Im talking about a psychologist) will help you organize your thougts, come to conclusions and thus giving you closure of whatever is hurting you, even giving you a way to get out of it... besides, its always good to be able to talk about someone who is not involved in your life, know what they are talking about, and is NOT judging you.
Do it!
Do it Tomorrow!
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What you need... are some feels. Major feels. I recommend you try out a feels-heavy visual novel or anime. May the feels be with you.
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In the sea of partial visions we can envision we will never grasp a system that explains all(in fact I cant be sure of that speaking of humanity as a collective, but I talk about the individual lost in the cosmic sea here..) and reasons all and in the unconscious conscience of never knowing not as absolute we delve into the Absurd and in the Absurd I try to find my reason in an existentialist way. It hasnt solved all my problems but I find joy in a lot of things where before I found joy in almost nothing.
The trick is that I'm almost ways doing something that I hate(work, but I browse TL when nobody is looking so its not that bad) or something that I love(music(1 band, 2 solo projects and 2 bands that are not that serious yet), writing, reading, resisting the shit that society throws us, smoking pot with my favorite people, meeting people that have the same interests I do, playing dota 2) so the only time I have to loathe the absurd and to start getting depressed again is while I'm already doing something because I'm occupied 24/7, so I don't pay that much attention to the Absurd and the sadness and the pointlessness...I just ignore it while figuratively screaming as loud as I can to pretend I'm silencing it. It's not easy. But it's partially possible.
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Watch a bunch of Tony Robbins videos. Change your "needs" to "musts" otherwise you'll never do them.
Smile more.
Go for a walk.
Hug a tree.
Do something new.
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Had a similar few years in my life. Problem was I needed to get out more, see some people, learn something new, and start picking some serious hobbies. I started calling things that I WAS good at 'fun', and I found the smartest, happiest people I could and tried very hard to be their friend, I also made it a point to do some small act of service each day, like skipping 2 min of break to help another worker with their least favorite part or go out of my way to give a compliment or helping someone with a computer problem.
Not sure if that'll help you, maybe you need something different, but it took me from suicidal depression to high preforming optimist.
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I think what you have is a mild case of depression. When I was mired in mine, I changed most of my my friends (looking back they were a bunch of assholes) and took up kickboxing, both of which ended up making a huge difference.
You really need some hobbies that will make you happy and give your life a sense of purpose, sports, writing, music, whatever. There has to be something you are talented in that you can work towards. Setting small goals for yourself and achieving them is always a great feeling, especially when it comes to stuff like martial arts that make you a better person on so many levels.
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On December 14 2012 03:17 hp.Shell wrote:
Watch a bunch of Tony Robbins videos. Change your "needs" to "musts" otherwise you'll never do them.
Smile more.
Go for a walk.
Hug a tree.
Do something new.
I'd recommend trying to pay more attention to the natural world. Video and computer images are 2-dimensional, inherently limited representations of what's really out there. Your brain thrives on stimulus from all sources. When you get up and go for a walk, you engage proprioception and motor control. When you leave the house, there are new sounds, smells, visual puzzles to solve if you open up just a bit. I like looking up at trees, noticing the way the branches weave through space, noticing the patterns the leaves and branches make as I walk, observing the contrast between leaf and sky colors. It isn't blockbuster movie material, but it is still amazing. Perhaps more importantly, it breaks me out of the small circles I take in my mind sitting in front of a screen in a dimly lit room. To use a cooking analogy, getting outside is like throwing herbs and vegetables and bone stock into your brain-"pot roast" while the internet/hermit approach is more like just pouring in tap water and wondering why it doesn't taste very good.
edit: not meaning to be condescending here, implying things about your behavior without knowing. Basically, I'm in a somewhat similar spot. Probably depressed, not diagnosed, not super happy with work, love gaming but frequently terrible at it, etc. So if there's anything up there that doesn't fit you, just assume I'm talking about myself =D
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On December 14 2012 03:17 hp.Shell wrote:
Watch a bunch of Tony Robbins videos. Change your "needs" to "musts" otherwise you'll never do them.
Smile more.
Go for a walk.
Hug a tree.
Do something new.
Imo OP doesn't seem precisely like the Tony Robbins "type," though I agree with the getting outdoors sentiment. I am often in a similar situation, and I find that having little diversions in my day just for me helps a lot. Taking little moments to recharge away from people and coworkers when I feel I have to get away. My preferred method is a book, yours could be music or a little TL break.
Sometimes at work I am just over stimulated by my environment, and though I am not always content with my routine or 9-5 (most times) having these little bits of time to myself diverts my attention to things I enjoy about where I am and helps me to keep at it.
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OP is almost the exact opposite of me. I'm very rarely in a bad mood, and am probably happy 90% of the time. To me it's a choice; I can choose to let myself be miserable during the things I don't like, or I can focus on the positives and make it a good experience. I guess example would be I have a class that I think is boring/uninteresting at first glance. When I go I change my mindset to this is an interesting class and I'm going to see what I can get out of it.
I can't try to improve my life, find a new job, or just try to be happier because I know that I'll just fail, and it'll be worse.
It's possible you'll fail, but again to me "fail" is an attitude thing. Sure, it happens but to me it's a learning experience. When it happens you step back, look at why it happened, and decide how to avoid it happening in the future and then come back at the task armed with a better perspective and more tools.
The it'll be worse thing is nothing more than a terrible mindset, stemming from the fact that you see "failing" as this terrible negative thing, and not a learning opportunity. I'd actually argue I learn more from when I fail than from when I succeed.
And then, once you accept that, you begin to wonder why you do it at all. I work because I need money to survive. I survive so I wake up and go to a job that I hate. I sit at home, alone, counting down the hours until it all repeats itself. What am I doing? Why am I doing this?
This is probably a question you need to answer for yourself. For me the "why" is a two-part thing. I want to enjoy/experience life and strive to bring happiness to others while doing it. This, for me, answers the why.
but I'm terrible even at simple single player games, I play on the easiest mode available just because I don't have the ability to be good at the one thing I love in life.
Unless your missing limbs or have some crazy impairments is this the biggest load of bullshit I've ever read in my life, unless your idea of being "good" is like high GM/A- or something. Not everybody can be the best, but almost everyone can be pretty decent if they put in the work.
If you don't play alot and aren't good...well there is your reason. If you do play alot and aren't good then you need to re-evalute what your doing. Ask yourself "why am I losing"? As an example: If it's not macroing (this alone can get you "decent" by most peoples view) then isolate the task. Actually practice.
Go into single player and macro to 200/200. Break it into components. When you start make sure it's just perfect worker production to 200, dropping expansions when you have extra money. Do that until you can nail it everytime. Then add in the next step which is to make an army while doing it. Your top priority is still to make constant workers, but now your adding army production as well. Then do the same thing, with workers/army still being key priority but also add in using your army some, moving it around. Once your doing that, go hit the ladder. When you play though, your still practicing. You might have to ignore some things that will end up losing the game because your macroing well, but keep macroing under all circumstances, As it gets more and more ingrained you'll find more and more time to attend to the other tasks of the game because macroing becomes so automated.
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1. Start eating healthy, it improves happiness levels and general motivation a lot more than you might think.
2. Find a goal, decide what you would rather be doing with the rest of your life and do everything you can to make it happen, this might mean working your shitty job for another year or more but that's life.
3. You don't need other people to be happy.
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Waiting to die.
I think you do need other people. Like I know I'm social.
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EPT
