EPTHalf the time, I am perfect. Whatever flaws I have are merely covered by the fact they exist in places most would never reach. Those scars, they merely add to my character. I see myself, not in black and white, but rather in the gray space that exists between the yin and the yang. In constant motion I move through the world with harmony and grace. Every action is not only light, but imbued with a deeper love for this existence.
And yet I trip.
When I trip, my flaws become me. When I look at myself, those are all I see. I am covered in the scab like wounds of a thousand foes. The outcome of the battle was not important. What is important is that I am injured, and will never heal.
In this state, I want gratification that is instant. I want to be perfect, yet still be challenged. I want love, yet I am frightened by contact. Other people disgust me, yet I envy them. I want to disassemble my mind, and bring it back into this world properly, without all its worries and issues. I want to free myself from my fear, because it leads to a never ending cycle.
I spend far, far too much time in one of these states. So much so, that sometimes I think that its all I have left. When I leave it, I pretend it never existed. I try to rationalize it, romaticise the pain, pretend that walking through mile after mile of thorns somehow makes me a better man. When I am in it, I doubt that I will ever leave. Slowly but surely, living becomes just another chore. Any work beyond the absolute nessecary is torture. I crave sleep, yet I lie awake.
If I was offerred prementantly being in the first state for say, the life of a man, I would probably take it. I find myself getting more and more frustrated each time I slip between the states. I dread each and every day to come. I dread the fact I can't find a cure, no matter how hard Iook.
Fuck
TLDR
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First world problems, whiney angsty bitch writing shitty poetry, probably needs to man up. Also just looking for attention. Don't worry TL, I would never stop telling you how much my life sucks
