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Depression. Been there, done that. Went on meds, went off meds. Attempted suicide. Finally let out my thoughts, let myself be free. Went to a fucking institution and slept, lots. Felt alienated.
And still, I hate myself. I feel so paranoid about everything. I question my parents marriage, my relationships with my friends, my ability to keep a girlfriend. I feel fucking afraid.
My mother told me something once. She said that Ian Thrope felt worst when he was playing by the rules when depression rolled around. Despite doing everything right, he still questioned himself and still felt like shit. But he kept up a happy face. He didn't want to admit he had a problem
Thats what I feel like right now. I don't want to go to anyone with my problem because I feel like everyone has put so much effort into making me feel well. I feel like all that energy would just feel wasted. My perception of relationships with all the other people in my life feels more one sided then ever. I feel like I am below everyone, that noone has any respect for me and that I have to put up with this bullshit... for what?
Fuck this
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Sucks. Not much to do but try your best to absorb yourself in a hobby and try to help yourself. There isn't an easy solution to depression, that's the reality of it, and certainly you weren't really expecting to get a magic solution here, but have no one you really want to talk to about it. In the end you are the one that lives your life whether it is unhappy or not, so you have to decide what is the best way to do that.
Sometimes I find it is easier to just accept that life is unhappy, and that it isn't necessarily this giant problem that must be overcome. Obviously it would be nice to have other feelings, but it is stressful to think I have to.
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i think. chef summed it up exactly. but i don't ,know if he meant to.
he said that it is easier to accept life is unhappy. sometimes.
that is the key phrase... sometimes.
i have looked far and wide. in and out. all around. emotionally, physically, intellectually. for "the answer". and i haven't found it. i feel like i never will. maybe i will the moment before i die.
isn't that a great vision. the moment before you die you finally understand everything.
so i went to look for this answer. is it "do everything you want" or "try as hard as you can/ give 100 percent" or even :"shut off all thoughts completely". or something as crazy as "look up whenever you feel bad. (i actually developed a tic from that one...tourrette's like. uncontrrollable tic. pretty fucked up stuff.)
now those all work to varying degrees. and sometimes they work... for a while. then many things can happen.
one is that a thought that counteracts the first thought comes into play. so if you were thinking "i can do whatever i want" thoughts like "well I can't fly to the moon without a spaceship" or "i can't go up to that pretty girl (maybe you can)". or :"i cant jump up in the middle of the crowded cafeteria and yell FUCKBALLS!!! (trust me you can't no matter how hard you try,
so thats the first one conflicting arguments.
secondly. you get the hindsight phenomenon. "wow i was doing everything i wanted but i really acted like an asshole" or "i missed my test" or whatever.
usually the first precedes the second.
so now that we know that we will never find "the answer" or at least we admit that we are working towards it and might reach it ten lifetimes from now. (ive never seen "the answer" on the internet at least. we must see that life is both simple and complicated.
a contradiction...
well life is full of contradictions... and things that go sympatico.
i hope you get my point.
point being. feel depressed... its good for you... its an emotion... we are human... we are not perfect...
and then when you get sick of being depressed find out what makes you happy.
i bet you can find one thing that makes you happy. try it.
usually you can't force your way into happiness. just like you can't force your way to the moon. you have to FIND out how to get there.
you have to experiment... with feeling depressed.... angry.... crazy.... suicidal.
in your mind. drop conventions.
if you think you are going to put your cat in the microwave and want to do it with all of your soul... 1000000 dollars to 999999999999.99_ percent of the population that they won't make one move to do so. not even get up from bed while they are wanting to do it so bad.
the mind is wonderful... the rules don't work the same way... forget everything you've learned. like when someone says don't steal. what you hear is "don't think about stealing.. when they say don't cry... you hear "don't feel sad."
in reality people don't give a fuck what is going on in your mind as long as you aren't gonna stab rape steal... whatever bad you might do... go ahead stab some people in your head... have you ever?
i'm not saying its a good mindsight constantly stabbing people in your head. but we are human. and we have these emotions. and the mind is a safe place to play them out.
stop trying to "fit in" in your head.
i don't mean to categorize you or anyone but i just wanted to get some thoughts out..
back to you. you are not below everyone in everything. just some things. you are depressed sometimes. you don't think about it sometimes. you are probably good at something. you probably derive pleasure somewhere. experiment. explore.(at first just in your mind.) use the outside world to fulfill you inside sometimes and not the other way around.
admit that you're not perfect. say sorry when you're wrong. learn from mistakes. it's all there. you have it all there. one thing won't solve everything (until you are perfect.)
the closest i have come to the "answer" is the "answer" KNOWLEDGE. knowing truth self world everything. i guess the answer is the answer... but how do we know we know. how do we know we exist (i can talk about that one for a bit) how do we know anything. if we don't exist then knowledge is meaningless. thats prob my best counter to knowledge being the answer,
well im done.
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and i think i didn't answer you at all. although i think i did give pretty good advice.
my advice. is completely understand your problem to yourself. think about it feel it. go over it. admit it it to yourself around people.
you will find that once you are more okay with it then you will be able to tell people about it.
tell people in your mind. be free about it to yourself. it will seem like they already know when you do this. it will seem painfully obvious.
and then when you have the courage. to the right person. you will admit it. and then see what happens.
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Some good advice I heard from the show Breaking Bad may or may not be of any use to you, but I'm going to give it anyway:
Don't seek self-improvement, seek self-acceptance
Hope you cheer up man.
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i'm not saying its a good mindsight constantly stabbing people in your head. but we are human. and we have these emotions. and the mind is a safe place to play them out.
That's not really a good idea. That just generates frustration, because all people are smart enough to know that what they've imagined has not impacted their reality, and thus whatever problem they thought would be solved by stabbing (or x inappropriate action) remains a problem. You shouldn't stab people in reality, either, of course, but it's just going to make you more anxious to fantasize about it than if you just drop it and move on or solve the problem thru a socially appropriate method.
Without being bothered to look it up, I believe this is what psych textbooks I've had suggested. Especially studies about catharsis, where people hit a pillow instead of the person they want to hit. I am treating imagining something in your own head to be similar to hitting a pillow and imagining it to be a person. It gets your blood pumping so that you want to do something about something you can't do anything about, at least not via violence.
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disagree. imagining stabbing someone may be very pleasurable and release stress. psychology textbooks like to make blanket statements like catharsis doesn't exist. sometimes it feels good to let your energy out. sometimes if you get release anger it gets you more angry.
its not as simple as psychology textbooks make it seem. after all its only a book.
and i have a bachelors in psychology.
and why should you do socially appropriate methods in your own head. you can do whatever the fuck you want in your own head. you can imagine coins with wings if you want.
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Institution? What the hell for? Did they send you away just because you attempted suicide?
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On November 04 2012 16:15 MountainDewJunkie wrote:
Institution? What the hell for? Did they send you away just because you attempted suicide?
It's illegal to kill yourself.
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On November 04 2012 16:15 MountainDewJunkie wrote:
Institution? What the hell for? Did they send you away just because you attempted suicide?
I admited myself after being recommended by my doctor.
The problem is that I was let in 2 weeks after the attempt. And alot can change in two weeks
I've chalked up most of my issues to drug withdrawal. Keep calm and carry on
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EPT
