EPTI led you to believe that I was a different person than I really was. And I lied to myself in the process.
Because I didn't want to see the truth. I thought that would be showing weakness.
I didn't see that you loved me too much. Even when other people would have left me, you always stayed by my side. Even when others would have given up, you never lost hope. You continued to take care of me, hoping I would change, hoping I would see the light.
But you didn't see I was hurting inside. I didn't want to do those things I did to you, and to myself. I put myself through hell and I took you along for the ride whether you wanted to or not.
I lost sight of the bigger picture, I couldn't think clearly anymore. My world became a dark and scary place with no way out, no light at the end of the tunnel. And so I continued to dig a deeper hole for my grave.
But you gave me hope. A hope that things could change. A hope that they will change. I saw the suffering around me but I did not have the eyes to appreciate it before.
You gave me a new life. I found in you a courage and resilience that I wanted for my own. If you had nothing, you could make it turn to gold. If I had gold I would make it turn to clay. That was the difference. You had nothing, I had everything, but you still had the brightest of days.
You wanted nothing more than to see me make it. You got upset and frustrated and depressed sometimes, but I still did not realize what I was doing wrong.
Then you told me something I will never forget,
"You have to look inside of yourself. Close your eyes and look deep into your heart. You have all the answers, but you refuse to look at them. Life is not an end, it is a means."
And so I live my life, day by day, following your advice, I seek the path that I had never walked before, I sing a little louder when people tell me to lower my voice, I try to walk in your shoes whenever I can, to be a little better day by day.
And I continue to climb out of the hole I dug for myself many years ago, it is hard, but it is worth it.
You are the only reason I was, am, and ever will be. You are all my reasons.
Do you still recognize me,
Am I so different
inside?
The world is trying to change me.
And I admit,
I don't want to hurt you.
And I admit,
I don't want to live like this
Anymore...
Erase this monster I've become.
Forgive me for all the damage done.
It's not over,
say it's not over.
I'm begging for mercy,
I'm only the monster you made me.
I'm not invincible,
I'm not indestructible,
I'm only human,
Can't you see
the monster in me?
