EPTI did not write this, but I wanted to share it. My friend in highschool wrote this a while back and I just re-read it. The humor is very highschoolish but if you have an open mind youll see the genius. There is a lot of immature jokes (social / farting / racial).. please don't take any of it seriously.
-Note: All material originally written by Jimmy Hu-
Yellow Boy
Epic Adventure of a F.O.B. in America
Chapter 1: The Awkward Arrival
The story begins when I was traveling on the airplane one day. My friend Gabe and I were going to the unknown land called the United States,San Francisco to be exact, all because we were forced by our parents to escape our fate of the foot-massaging business in China.
A while after dinner Gabe pointed at a man and said in a chinky chinese voice,
"I wanna eat him, he looks like some good chocolate".
I said to him, "You stupid turtle asse, its not even a good joke, that's guy is one of those African people you see in Roots"
Gabe looked at me like I've lost my nuts and said, "You b'astard guy, don't underestimate me." The man saw us looking at him and said, "Watchu looking at, you lil' chinese biches?"
Gabe immediately said in broken English: "Hi chocolate man!"
I saw the man's eyes bulge out like bull testicles and the most ghetto expression ive ever seen. But fortunately, none of us got hurt and we successfully continued the trip with our heads on our shoulders.
Whoosh, the airplane came down to the earth as I gazed upon this new peice of land that looks very weird and a bit disturbing as well, its name was America. I got out of the plane and as I was entering the lobby some girls with yellow colored hair,looking like my morning excrete, were checking for passports and stuff like that. When it came to my turn, I needed to show them my Chinese passport.
But crap, at that moment I just all my pockets, but I coulden't find it! The girl got impatient and roared,
"Please show your identification! Or else we can't let you pass!"
I suddenly felt a rectangular hard spot in my pants and finally realized, "Oh shiet, the passport is INSIDE my pants." I tried not to explode in this awkward situation and tried to explain, but they wouldn't understand my broken Chinglish.
At last, I had no choice but to take off my pants. At that instant, an old chinese lady came up to me and said in chinese:
"You little stupidy shiz, keep you pants ON!" And then she ACTUALLY smacked it with a cane. At that same moment I didn't feel any pain, but that moment what I felt was much more magnificient and cunning than pain, it was as if my spirit has been set free and there was a rocket engine propelling me through space. I farted.
Silence. After 2 seconds, the old woman fell and fainted. I quickly showed the girl, who was half stunned, my passport and quickly ran through the exit, like the time fat pigs were chasing me in Beijing.
Then I remembered about Gabe, and ran back to get him. He was nowhere to be seen. After I informed the police about the case, apparently when he was in the airport bathroom, he misused the American toilet and had his foot stuck in the hole. When I went to get him he looked like a mess, but after half an hour we finally made it through the airport.
We did not have a cell phone at the time and therefore noone could pick us up. The only currency we carried were chinese dollars, and at the time I was unsure if they could be used in America.
To get to the destination we were going, we needed a taxi. We finally halted a cab and the driver was a nice middle-aged mexican man.
He said: "Where are you headed amigo?"
We couldn't understand him but we showed him the address. He said, "oh! Long distance! you pay a lot when you get there ok?"
I said ok and we started to have the funnest ride of our lives.
On the street, we saw various brands of Japanese cars that we have seen in China before. We both would occasionally say thoughout the trip: "ooo, Honda, made in Japan, very fast. OOO, mitsubishi, made in Japan, very very fast." Near the end of our trip as we were closer to our destination, the Mexican driver stopped the car, and said: "This is the end of our trip". We looked at the taxi-meter, it said "$247.89". We both shouted:
"WHAT?! So expensiv!"
Then he said: "Haha. Price-Meter, made in Japan. Very fast."
At that point we didnt know what to do. We couldn't use our chinese money. So I said to Gabe in chinese:
"Let's run for it". He replied: "1,2.."
On 3 we both ran out of the taxi running rapidly north. When we were about to become out of sight, we heard a car driving behind that and I suddenly heard Gabe cry, "OOOWW! My assie!" I turned around and saw him flying aross the road like chinese gone wild. Then at that moment I knew what happened. He mexican driver has gone mad! Before I could hide in the nearest Bush, I felt a force of 58,000 newtons hit my behind. Then. nothing.
It was quite suprising that I woke up the next day. The strange thing was that I didn't know where I was. I looked around the room, it was white and I was sleeping in a king sized bed. But the weird thing was.. there's a lump of something under the sheet right next to me.
TO BE CONTINUED
Chapter 2
