I'm starting to get really freaking good at hitting that spot where you really like them, and everything's happy and you know they'd tell you anything and you could do the same, and things are good. Feeling comfortable, feeling good, not a worry about a thing. Then:
"You're a great guy. I'm thinking we should be friends instead though. Best friends. "
Case #1:
She stopped e-mailing me late July. Oh well, I said. My fault. She gets back, we don't talk, but I wasn't expecting to. Then in December, she texts me one night and wants me to come over. Cool! Say hi to her family again, play a few games, I go home. She texts me again.
"I was kinda hoping you would wanna go for a ride?"
Aww yeah. Baller. "Sure." I go pick her up, and it's pretty late at this point.
"You know you can invite me to do things too, right?" I'm pretty introverted so that's standard. I take this as a sort-of hint, but I'm not too sure. We keep talking, things are looking promising. After two hours or so, I take her back home. Give her a hug goodnight, little seed of hope planted.
Next time I text her, she thanks me for being such a good friend! I know you'll always be there for me! Aww yeah! Friendzone points!
This one's special. I've never felt so close to a person, ever. We talk so easily, joke, laugh at anything, stay out way too late, do something new every day. I'm close to her family, they like me really well. She's kind and caring, the kind that just makes you feel right.
That one time when we stayed after school and watched movies in the closed-off room, just cuddled and talked. That CD you made me for Valentine's Day, and that letter I wrote you using the lyrics of the songs. Sweetheart's Dance, looking like a fool and embarrassing you with sick dance moves. Things are looking good. Really good.
Then, bam. You're my best friend, but now you're only my best friend.
I don't know what I'm doing so wrong. Maybe it comes from needing someone to talk to, and letting my guard down and talking about everything. I don't know. Yeah, I wasn't going to marry any of them. But there's never been a real reason, never a fight, never a complaint. It's just, "We're better as just friends."
I'm cool with being the crying shoulder and the advice guy, but it hurts a bit when you don't know why. But hey, maybe the friendzone isn't such a bad place after all.
You're befriending girls and then wondering why you're in the friend zone. Don't try get to know them within some kind of comfortable [friend/maybe-more] bubble; the kind of relationship-ambiguous interactions you're having are like getting the words "friend only" tattooed across your forehead (an exaggeration, but only a minor one). A lot of introverts fall into these kinds of ambiguous relationships because not pressing the issue early greatly reduces any immediate threat of rejection. Unfortunately, the key word is immediate.
If you don't want to continue reigning as the king of the friend zone, you're going to have to learn to seize the initiative much more aggressively. Make the relationship the issue from day one, and if you're rejected you haven't really lost anything because you never even got to know her. Don't aim for "where you really like them, and everything's happy and you know they'd tell you anything and you could do the same, and things are good. Feeling comfortable, feeling good, not a worry about a thing." Aim for butterflies, nervousness, and sexual tension. That's the difference between becoming a friend and becoming her boyfriend.
If there is one thing I've learnt, it's that if you care about them you will always be friend zoned. If you want to take it to the next step you have to keep your emotions out of it.
I mean this in several ways-- if you are physically very unattractive (no offense), they are likely to never consider you for a boyfriend from the start. Can't change what you're born with, but you can start hitting the gym and taking care of your skin and dressing nicely.
Is the way you spend your time and academics unattractive? If you are failing your classes, have no plans for the future, and just work at a pizza parlor, that is very unattractive. You don't have to have your whole life planned or anything, but people who have goals, and work hard to reach them are more attractive than someone who just doesn't care.
Are you trying to attract her, or do you act like her brother for months, and then say: Hey I love you; let's make babies. If you do not send messages that you are interested, and then spring it on her, the response will not be the one you are looking for. Make an effort to be attractive to her, and let her know you like her. This is most likely where you are going wrong if you are shy.
Invite her over to play some cards. First hand say 'I'm all in' then push all your chips in, take off all your cloths and put them in the pot too. Ask if shes willing to call the bet. Profit or Cry. Either way you will have a definite answer.
On May 06 2012 18:37 iTzSnypah wrote: Invite her over to play some cards. First hand say 'I'm all in' then push all your chips in, take off all your cloths and put them in the pot too. Ask if shes willing to call the bet. Profit or Cry. Either way you will have a definite answer.
Posts like this are the reason why I love TL blogs.
Seems to be you get friendzoned because you never make a move. Things are going great, you get to know her, she gets to know you, and she's waiting waiting waiting..and she finally just gets tired and decides it's better to just consider you a friend instead.
For example, case #1. It definitely sounds like she was into you, asking you for a ride, asking you to initiate hangouts..and at the end of a late night hang out...all you do is give her a hug good night. Maybe she read that as you just wanting to be friends, so she tells you that she just wants to be friends too. If you are into her, you need to make it more clear.
On May 06 2012 18:37 iTzSnypah wrote: Invite her over to play some cards. First hand say 'I'm all in' then push all your chips in, take off all your cloths and put them in the pot too. Ask if shes willing to call the bet. Profit or Cry. Either way you will have a definite answer.
Posts like this are the reason why I love TL blogs.
What a wonderful idea :o Will definitely try this tonight !
Being in a relationship is more than playing Gamecube and hugging a person - it's about skankin' it up, and doing things you wouldn't usually do with anybody. When you dated, you didn't seem to do anything about it. So she actually lost something : she had her friend, as always, but couldn't date and meet anyone else. It might sound brutal, but I believe you have to "man up".
You know this myth that says that girls go for assholes? It's only part true. Assholes are fun. Assholes are confident. And most of the time, the only reason people call them assholes is because they're too confident to give a shit. You can be an asshole in the eyes of the public but treat your girl like a princess, and she will be happy.
On May 06 2012 16:46 Lord_J wrote: You're befriending girls and then wondering why you're in the friend zone. Don't try get to know them within some kind of comfortable [friend/maybe-more] bubble; the kind of relationship-ambiguous interactions you're having are like getting the words "friend only" tattooed across your forehead (an exaggeration, but only a minor one). A lot of introverts fall into these kinds of ambiguous relationships because not pressing the issue early greatly reduces any immediate threat of rejection. Unfortunately, the key word is immediate.
If you don't want to continue reigning as the king of the friend zone, you're going to have to learn to seize the initiative much more aggressively. Make the relationship the issue from day one, and if you're rejected you haven't really lost anything because you never even got to know her. Don't aim for "where you really like them, and everything's happy and you know they'd tell you anything and you could do the same, and things are good. Feeling comfortable, feeling good, not a worry about a thing." Aim for butterflies, nervousness, and sexual tension. That's the difference between becoming a friend and becoming her boyfriend.
Well, in the case of #3 it wasn't quite that easy. I was basically her first boyfriend. She had never kissed a guy, or anything. And she was always scared of anything passed holding hands, etc. She'd shy away if I went to kiss her, and she said it was because she was scared of what that meant. I don't think it was a lack of initiative.
Story behind her: We're both student body officers at my school, friends for a few months, go to a movie with a bunch of friends, and she holds my hand. I was surprised by that, but it was all good by me. That's when we start doing things together, and even cuddling for her was a knew thing. I don't know how to seize the initiative much more aggressively, because that would scare her off, too.
The other two, yeah they were definitely my fault.
i cant even be friends with girls. there is only one objective. i can be freindly, but ill never hang out 1 on 1 with a girl on the weekend unless shes willing to give a little something in return
On May 06 2012 16:46 Lord_J wrote: You're befriending girls and then wondering why you're in the friend zone. Don't try get to know them within some kind of comfortable [friend/maybe-more] bubble; the kind of relationship-ambiguous interactions you're having are like getting the words "friend only" tattooed across your forehead (an exaggeration, but only a minor one). A lot of introverts fall into these kinds of ambiguous relationships because not pressing the issue early greatly reduces any immediate threat of rejection. Unfortunately, the key word is immediate.
If you don't want to continue reigning as the king of the friend zone, you're going to have to learn to seize the initiative much more aggressively. Make the relationship the issue from day one, and if you're rejected you haven't really lost anything because you never even got to know her. Don't aim for "where you really like them, and everything's happy and you know they'd tell you anything and you could do the same, and things are good. Feeling comfortable, feeling good, not a worry about a thing." Aim for butterflies, nervousness, and sexual tension. That's the difference between becoming a friend and becoming her boyfriend.
Well, in the case of #3 it wasn't quite that easy. I was basically her first boyfriend. She had never kissed a guy, or anything. And she was always scared of anything passed holding hands, etc. She'd shy away if I went to kiss her, and she said it was because she was scared of what that meant. I don't think it was a lack of initiative.
Story behind her: We're both student body officers at my school, friends for a few months, go to a movie with a bunch of friends, and she holds my hand. I was surprised by that, but it was all good by me. That's when we start doing things together, and even cuddling for her was a knew thing. I don't know how to seize the initiative much more aggressively, because that would scare her off, too.
The other two, yeah they were definitely my fault.
Just because she's nervous doesn't mean she doesn't want to. I had a girlfriend like that too and she wanted to but she was always nervous so I just had to tell her everytime that she shouldn't be nervous and confront it.
On May 06 2012 16:46 Lord_J wrote: You're befriending girls and then wondering why you're in the friend zone. Don't try get to know them within some kind of comfortable [friend/maybe-more] bubble; the kind of relationship-ambiguous interactions you're having are like getting the words "friend only" tattooed across your forehead (an exaggeration, but only a minor one). A lot of introverts fall into these kinds of ambiguous relationships because not pressing the issue early greatly reduces any immediate threat of rejection. Unfortunately, the key word is immediate.
If you don't want to continue reigning as the king of the friend zone, you're going to have to learn to seize the initiative much more aggressively. Make the relationship the issue from day one, and if you're rejected you haven't really lost anything because you never even got to know her. Don't aim for "where you really like them, and everything's happy and you know they'd tell you anything and you could do the same, and things are good. Feeling comfortable, feeling good, not a worry about a thing." Aim for butterflies, nervousness, and sexual tension. That's the difference between becoming a friend and becoming her boyfriend.
Well, in the case of #3 it wasn't quite that easy. I was basically her first boyfriend. She had never kissed a guy, or anything. And she was always scared of anything passed holding hands, etc. She'd shy away if I went to kiss her, and she said it was because she was scared of what that meant. I don't think it was a lack of initiative.
Story behind her: We're both student body officers at my school, friends for a few months, go to a movie with a bunch of friends, and she holds my hand. I was surprised by that, but it was all good by me. That's when we start doing things together, and even cuddling for her was a knew thing. I don't know how to seize the initiative much more aggressively, because that would scare her off, too.
The other two, yeah they were definitely my fault.
Just because she's nervous doesn't mean she doesn't want to. I had a girlfriend like that too and she wanted to but she was always nervous so I just had to tell her everytime that she shouldn't be nervous and confront it.
It's not really so much that she's nervous, but more that she looks at a kiss like being something sacred almost. Like she didn't want to because of what it means. So I think the problem lies before that point... Like it feels sometimes that it's just a friend type thing, unless I'm being romantic, but it was hit or miss as far as her being like that. I dunno.
On May 06 2012 16:46 Lord_J wrote: You're befriending girls and then wondering why you're in the friend zone. Don't try get to know them within some kind of comfortable [friend/maybe-more] bubble; the kind of relationship-ambiguous interactions you're having are like getting the words "friend only" tattooed across your forehead (an exaggeration, but only a minor one). A lot of introverts fall into these kinds of ambiguous relationships because not pressing the issue early greatly reduces any immediate threat of rejection. Unfortunately, the key word is immediate.
If you don't want to continue reigning as the king of the friend zone, you're going to have to learn to seize the initiative much more aggressively. Make the relationship the issue from day one, and if you're rejected you haven't really lost anything because you never even got to know her. Don't aim for "where you really like them, and everything's happy and you know they'd tell you anything and you could do the same, and things are good. Feeling comfortable, feeling good, not a worry about a thing." Aim for butterflies, nervousness, and sexual tension. That's the difference between becoming a friend and becoming her boyfriend.
Well, in the case of #3 it wasn't quite that easy. I was basically her first boyfriend. She had never kissed a guy, or anything. And she was always scared of anything passed holding hands, etc. She'd shy away if I went to kiss her, and she said it was because she was scared of what that meant. I don't think it was a lack of initiative.
Story behind her: We're both student body officers at my school, friends for a few months, go to a movie with a bunch of friends, and she holds my hand. I was surprised by that, but it was all good by me. That's when we start doing things together, and even cuddling for her was a knew thing. I don't know how to seize the initiative much more aggressively, because that would scare her off, too.
The other two, yeah they were definitely my fault.
Just because she's nervous doesn't mean she doesn't want to. I had a girlfriend like that too and she wanted to but she was always nervous so I just had to tell her everytime that she shouldn't be nervous and confront it.
It's not really so much that she's nervous, but more that she looks at a kiss like being something sacred almost. Like she didn't want to because of what it means. So I think the problem lies before that point... Like it feels sometimes that it's just a friend type thing, unless I'm being romantic, but it was hit or miss as far as her being like that. I dunno.
EPT
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