EPTThere is something significant that you might not have heard of. Basically, your favorite soccer team (some of you may know it as your favorite football team) has decided to start playing American football. American football has much faster, bite-sized plays. The action is so intense that it is so condensed. It is so condensed that there is time for advertisements between plays. The players will stop playing so you can watch your favorite adverts without missing your favorite players.
Really, we knew this was long in coming. Soccer has been around for a long time, and many people enjoy it, but we have to get with the times. Football is the future. So many people have been drawn into sports in general because of how accessible football is. It is so fucking simple that your older brother can really dig it.
I know what some of you are saying. This isn't the same sport! Well that's true, but it was invented by the same people, so you really ought to choose between sticking with a bygone relic or moving on to a shiny relic. Actually, what you think is irrelevant.
Nobody cares what you think about Football or Soccer or Football in your country. The honorable sponsors don't really concern themselves with the changes in fan fancy. Popularity speaks for itself. We are confronted with the future and the past. We must look towards the future and put the past behind us.
You might wonder what the future of your favorite team is. Do not worry, nothing will change. You will be able to cheer for that same squad as they board the ship. You can be there on the sidelines like you always used to be. I can tell you that all of your favorite team's players have been really perfecting their thing and that. They can strut fro and to many places that they couldn't previously. This is totally fucking a new game and it's also the same.
I know what you're thinking. The season just ended. How can my favorite team handle all of this shit at once. Here's the beauty of it: They have been doing all of this goofy shit all along! If you wondered why your team couldn't kick the whatever or block the whatever that is, it's because they are truly committed to you! You might not know what sport you like, but your team damn well knows. In fact, they know that they're your team and you'll follow them into whatever pitch or field or yards they end up playing in.
Not only do they know all of the rules, but some of them have been practicing nothing but Football since Soccer was implicitly killed at the end of the last tournament. That's the truth. Your favorite soccer players aren't bogged down with archaic things like soccer. They spend all of their time on the football.
Sure, I know some of you really were pulling for your soccer team there at the finish. They were a good team, right? At least they charmed your dumb ass. Rock and roll. Get this: Those folks were not even playing soccer. They are so devoted to you that they moved on to another sport so that you could too!
Get with the times homo.
-D.F. Espenfurk
