EPT_______________________________________________________
Yet another year, and another month. Recently I turned 18, and well... nothing has changed except that I'm supposed to be older. With me turning 18, I have again started thinking about myself, my future, and my surroundings. As most of the people around me are becoming more adult, I can't help but see that I'm somehow mentally stuck.
Most of the people around me are getting, or will soon start, getting their drivers license. I, however, don't see the reason why. I'm a person who thinks a lot about the stuff which could be, but not about what is now. For example, the drivers license. Let's say I would do them, wouldn't it affect my performace in school(I get stressed out easily)? I don't know surely, but I'm not going to risk it. Secondly, after I would get them, what would I do with them? I wouldn't be able to afford a car, as the fuel prices, there's the obligatory insurance, and when e.g a wheel would break, the car would be rendered useless. While I think like that, others around me seem to think otherwise(I, of course can't confirm it, as I'm too afraid to ask(but I do listen around a lot)).
Another thing which makes me think that I'm mentally stuck, is my social anxiety(self-diagnonis yeah). One day there was an economics class, and the teacher made the class do a group assignment(everyone had to write the ideas to their exercise books). I was assigned in to a group with 4 other people. As I had transferred to this school few months ago, and as I'm afraid of interacting with others, I only knew their names. After some time went by, the teacher said that the time's up. He approached to my group, and saw my excersice book. There was very little written there, and some squares which I drew. Others had a lot more in their exercise books, and as it was a group task, I should've asked from them(, or sat to a better position). But I didn't ask. I was too afraid, and that obviously hinders my personal development. Also, as the teacher was the kind who always talks out loud, my exercise book problem came out to the whole class. Then the madness inside me started, but not on the outside(I hope at least). Firstly, I got really nervous inside. I tried to hide away my excersice book quickly, but I failed a few times, as my hands weakly trembled. Secondly, I felt as if I had, at that precise moment, a high fewer: I started feeling very hot, but it went away quickly. The teacher asked the group leader, what grade would he give me after a bad "job" like mine. He said 5(or A, whichever you prefer), but after that, (I think a bit quieter) that he wouldn't want to get knifed. I of course took it personally, as I always see myself at the center of attention, but I have no way to be actually sure of it. After some time went by, I went back to my seat, while my mind was racing with evil and mad thoughts.
I think this song describes how I felt at that moment
After that incident, for the rest of the day, my mind was obsessed with it. I was also shivering that day a lot. And this whole incident, is also why I think I'm mentally stuck. As I mentioned earlier, I'm a person who thinks a lot. I would like to get over this barrier, but at the same time I don't see the need to. I always think that I would like to talk with people, but my expiriences always show that I would prefer to be alone. I don't want people annoying me, yet at the same time I do. Weird, isn't it?
Another reason why I'm always unhappy, is me turning to 18. Next year I will hopefully finish high school, but after that what? I don't see myself having any particular talents. I can speak English better than most around me, but knowing English has recently started to look like a must-know thing, which is expected of everyone, and doesn't land one any special jobs. And what's the use of me knowing the language, when I'm afraid to use it?
I'm not particulary excited about maths and stuff like that(although I appreciate physics, and some math). I'd like to at least make some music, or fancy art on a pc, or do some programming, but I don't know how to learn to use any programs such as photoshop, fruity loop or a language like python(which is considered super easy I think). Maybe I'm someone who needs to be shown in person how stuff works, but it always has seem to me that the best are the ones who learn it their own way. I've tried learning to use fruity loops, but there are so many technical terms which don't say nothing to me, even after translating, also it seems that I should know at least some notes. Maybe that doesn't suit me? Perhaps. Another thing which I've wondered about is how people start working in the IT sector. I always have had a picture in my mind, that the programmers and such do the their thing from their free time, before higher education, and only get a degree, to just be certified specialists. But does that mean that there's no point in studying IT stuff in a university, or is that just a fake image in my mind? These are only few reasons why I'm completely clueless about myself and my future.
How will I ever get out of this and fullfill my dreams, I have no idea. What's the point of it all?
me A: I have heard that near death expiriences change people, maybe you should try that?
me B: Nah, I'm too afraid.
me A: Well, y'know, everyone can break...
me B: We'll see...
Such is life in my mind. I'm in oblivion, no one cares, no one knows me, not even I.
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Some music, movie/tv and reading recommedations!
Music:
+ Show Spoiler +
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qn5MRov_OI
Movie/TV
Equilibrium
Firefly
Reading:
Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Ward No. 6 by Anton Chekhov
The Chronicles of Amber by Roger Zelazny
