EPTGeriatric Bus Driver
The public transport bus pulled up to its usual spot, only it was slightly on the curb and there was injured, screaming CYCLIST pinned to the front of it. The doors opened and a teenaged male called JEFF got on.
Jeff: Hey, did you notice that you hit someone and he’s very clearly dying?
The bus driver looked up from her crossword puzzle and seemed confused and frightened.
Bus Driver: Oh. What? I mean, of course! I would have stopped but... he... I mean, I think he... um... Killed Kennedy ?
Jeff: This man is like 25.
Bus Driver: So?
Jeff: Kennedy’s been dead for close to half a century.
Bus Driver: What?! What year is it?!
Jeff: 2011
Bus Driver: Oh no, my dog! I haven’t fed him since 1973, how long can those things live without food?
Jeff: Not very, I’m afraid.
JEFF paid the fare and went to sit down. The BUS DRIVER resumed driving and started back on her crossword puzzle.
At the next stop, a woman in her late 20s called RACHEL gets on.
Bus Driver: You know, in my day, women weren’t allowed to wear pants. Heck, the colour pink hadn’t even been invented yet!
Rachel: I don’t think you understand how colours work.
Bus Driver: Sure I do! I invented yellow myself.
Rachel: Look, can I please just sit down?
Bus Driver: Back in the American Civil War --
RACHEL got off the bus but the driver finished her story anyway. At the next stop, a MAN, elderly in his own right, got on. A KID of about 14 years got on behind him.
Old man: I remember when cars were pulled by horses!
Bus Driver: When I was younger, we had to run them with our feet through a hole in the floor.
Kid: You’re thinking of The Flintstones
Bus Driver: What? Oh! I’ve seen that documentary. Sir, how long can dog’s live without food?
Old man: Mine’s been going strong since 1985!
The BUS DRIVER looks back at JEFF who’s still on the bus, praying for life.
Bus Driver: See, kids today are so dumb. That idiot told me my dog was dead.
JEFF walks towards the front of the bus.
Jeff: I’m sorry sir and miss, but your dog is dead. I can promise you that.
The BUS DRIVER quite literally ran through a stop sign and knocked it back into the street, bringing traffic to a standstill.
Jeff: And you, are you sure you’re actually licensed to drive a bus? To drive anything at all?
The BUS DRIVER starts looking for her license with her left hand while continuing to work on her crossword with her right. The bus is now being steered by KID. BUS DRIVER finally grabs her license and shows it to JEFF
Jeff: This is a license to operate a pretzel stand. And it expired in the 1950s, when pretzel stands were still a thing.
Bus Driver: So?
Jeff: What?! What do you mean “So?”? Can you not understand that being allowed to sell Pretzels while the Korean War was going on doesn’t qualify you to operate heavy machinery and be trusted with the lives of hundreds of people every day?!
The BUS DRIVER thought for a moment, and then took an unexpected (and totally illegal) left-turn. She stopped in front of a retirement home and got off the bus. The CYCLIST was still pinned to the front of the bus but fortunately was no longer making any noises (mysteriously). A LADY was standing in front of the building and started yelling at BUS DRIVER.
Lady: Where have you been?! You haven’t taken your medication! We’ve been looking for you, and you’ve been all over the news!
Bus Driver: I... I went on an adventure!
Lady: Oh my God. Were you... Were you driving that bus ?!
Bus Driver: Barely. Some kid helped me steer for a bit.
Lady: Oh Lordy. Just come inside, you need your pills.
The LADY and the BUS DRIVER go into the building. Meanwhile, on the bus -
Jeff: So... Who knows how to drive a bus?
Old Man: I got it!
The bus starts moving
Old Man: Ooh! She forgot to finish her crossword, I guess I can do it! Now, where did I put my glasses?
The End
