EPT![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/HwZIl.jpg)
Hooray, Christmas season is among us. Now, back when I was a tyke, I got into the Christmas spirit. However more and more I find myself dreading the Christmas season. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying Christmas is evil or bad or anything like that. What I’m saying is that Christmas is of the devil. It is supremely evil. Now, I don’t really care about the religious part, or even the delicious part. No, I care about the way Christmas is celebrated in America, and the ridiculous evil that occurs.
First is Santa. The Big Man himself. To demonstrate my point, I give a completely unbiased comparison of Jolly Ol’ Saint Nick and El Diablo.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/UeVHS.jpg)
Clearly, the two are practically the same. And that’s not bringing in the dubious origins of what happens to naughty kids (it involves chains and kidnapping, if I’m not mistaken). No, Santa may be a jolly fellow, but it is the jolliness of sadism and ransom money.
Now I come to the real reason I hate Christmas. Santa is fine, honestly. Just some terrible mythic figure. I can ignore Santa. But there is one aspect of Christmas that is ubiquitous. There is one aspect that no matter how secular you are, no matter how hermit-like you behave, you cannot escape no matter how hard you try.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/a9uYT.jpg)
The horrible, godawful music.
The annoyingly catchy, psychotically upbeat music.
A little backstory might be necessary right here. See my handle? My name is DoubleReed, because I play bassoon. As a musician, I have played a lot of Christmas gigs which means I have played a lot of Christmas music. And after playing so much Christmas music, I only have ten months before it all happens again. Ten months is just not enough time.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/JKGqN.jpg)
Silent Night, O Little Town of Bethlehem, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, King of Kings, Jingle Bells (and its little retarded brother, Jingle Bell Rock). These are the things that terrify me. Even the non-Christmas songs, like Driedel Driedel and Let It Snow are terrible songs. And they’re everywhere. Malls, coffee shops, bookstores, restaurants, and barbershops (don’t even get me started on their quartets). People even have a tradition of going up to people’s houses and singing at them. It’s called caroling.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/lTLps.jpg)
They actually even have the gall to claim that this holiday is under attack. It’s the “War on Christmas.” Well let me tell you something, if Christmas and America are at war, I think it’s pretty damn certain who’s won. November and December, a sixth of our entire year, have been personally set aside for this commercialized monstrosity. I think there might even be a conspiracy in the works here, involving Santa Claus, BP, Iran, and the President of the United States, but I haven't put all the pieces together yet.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/IXyBN.jpg)
There are only three good things that Christmas has ever given us. Sexy Santa Suits, Lobo's Paramilitary Christmas Special, and The Nutcracker. (The Nightmare Before Christmas doesn't count. I take the average of Christmas and All Hallow's Eve, so it's a Thanksgiving movie).
So Merry Christmas everyone. I know it may be difficult, but try not to kill anyone.
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