Hello, I am Bourneq and this is going to be my first blog. I am having great difficulty starting this blog for I do not know where to start off. Im scared this will be a boring big wall of text, but nevertheless I will write it. I appruciate you reading it.
I am 15 years old and reside in Sweden. And I am going to get straight to the point if I can. I have been living severely depressed and angrily for a few years now. I am constantly frustrated at life and walk around hating most days. There are times where I feel that suicide is the only way out, but id never commit it because Id like to think im not that selfish.
I was recently told by a doctor that a problem in my leg means that I cannot work out as hard as I wish (I can barely walk and the pain after large amounts of exercise is tremendous). Before I had used exercise to reveal this feeling of frustration.
My friends also used to be a comfort for theese feelings. But ive been fooled, my friends were not really friends and merely used me as a way to be integrated with my other friends. I am no longer accepted for who I am and what I belive in by most, only a few of my friends are really friends.
My old "girlfriend" told me she loved me and that was what I thought would be the turning point in my life. I was happy, I had the girl of my dreams finnaly. But only a day after what was obviously love, she got extremely short with me. And eventually, stoped communicating with me. Its a long story what happend between us after that, but I can say with certanty that I am still so fucking confused about what happend. Ive not gotten an answer and the friends I spoke with are just as confused as I am about her change of heart. This has really affected me, for the only good thing to happen to me in ages just turned around and stabbed me.
My family dont support me at all, I have alot of hatred towards my mother. But ive since found out that the best way to not be locked out of my home is to act normal and dont mention it and do as she says,
The list of shit in my life goes on and on, but lets move on.
The only thing that helps me cope with life is starcraft, watching and/or playing starcraft makes me stop thinking about all the bad stuff in life, and ive faced it, thats all im getting. And starcraft luckily does not require any real fysical training so my leg problem wont be a problem. And ive gotten quite good at sc2, I am top masters at the moment, according to sc2 ranks I was rank 390 in europe 2 days ago. Constantly being matched (and beating) grandmaster players. My record is beating the ranked 50 player at the time.
I belive that I can make it professional if I really put the effort in. You have all heard it before, players trying to become professional. It never works out. But I need to atleast try it, and give it my 100%. So that is what I will do. I will not go home anymore and waste time playing other games or go out and be useless. I have 3 years of school left, after school every day I will practice starcraft. All of my free time will be devoted to starcraft. What is not free time is school, political activities and the occasional hang with the few friends I have left.
Other then thoose 3 things sc2 is priority 1. I have set my timer for 9am tomorrow, even tho its a weekend, for sleep is not a main priority anymore. getting up at 9 leaves 2 extra hours of practice, this will be my mindset from now on, I shall succed at atleast 1 thing in life for fucks sake. And what better place is there then in the community of starcraft and esports?
I do not expect to go professional soon, but I am not in a big rush, ive got 3 years of studies left. 3 years! Thats ages, and ive got a good basis to start on, onli 190ranks away from grandmaster after all.
the reason I made this blog was so that I could have this written down so I can go back and look at this and know what my priorities are and why. I will dedicate to starcraft.
It ended up as just a big wall of text after all, looks boring, I wouldnt read it. But hell, im posting it anyways because I need this to be saved for me too not forget.
I am the only person that can make sure I succed at what im setting out to do. And if there is anybody I can count on its me and my future self. I hope I dont let myself down, for I am afraid it will be the end of me,
Again, thank you too the rare person that acctualy read this.
PS. I am aware that the issues I have that I posted at the start of the blog is mostly whining about shit that I guess most people go throu. It is not the intention of this blog to give that impression of whining. I am merely trying to force myself to commit to starcraft, that is the reason behind this blog.
Your advantage is your age, like you said you still have 3 years left. Sounds reasonable. Good luck.
And about the parents, yeah, the best way is to "act normal" and avoid conflict most of the time, i learned that myself. parents never change thats for sure.
It's quite a shitty age. I felt very similar to you, and in some ways still do 7 years later, but if you just take a deep breath you may realize that things might not be as bad as you think. Gotta look at the positives. Good luck with ur potential sc2 career sounds like you are pretty baller.
ahh, to be 15 confused and angry again. all I can say is that life will be better, well theres no guarantee obviously but at least thats how it worked out for me. 15-18 was the low point of my life in terms of happiness but then you eventually move to your own place and life gets pretty good. gl gl
You sound just like me, except I guess I have "friends" but I don't really trust people so it's kind of weird, and I suck at starcraft (Diamond with about a week of not playing). Advice: Try looking for someone with similiar issues and get to know them so you can whine together, I did this and I got a fuckbuddy out of it ^^
I find it very difficult to respond to this. One glaring issue is that you're very young and many of the issues you're having will seem trivial in a few years when you grow older and mature. I'm also afraid that if you do try to go pro your studies will not be as important to you. Your studies, in my opinion, should be your focus.
On the other hand though..and I'm surprised at myself for saying this..progaming might be a possibility for you to at least try. You're incredibly young and that is an advantage. Your age gives you a "headstart" over many that have tried/are trying to go pro. If it goes to shit you'll still have all the same options open to you because of your age. You could easily go back to school, for example. As well, it seems as though you're quite skilled already. In one of his blogs recently, GGLastshdow (a rather unknown zerg who is in Korea and getting quite good) commented on all these players trying to go pro. He believes if you're not at least high master with an MMR high enough to play Grandmasters within six months of picking up the game, you'll never make it pro because you just don't have the skill. His argument was basically Skill vs Hard Work which is obviously a large discussion and I would tend to agree with hard work beating skill, but in Starcraft 2 I think there are some things that set pros apart from high master players and even pros from other pros that you're "born with" so to speak. Incredible, efficient hand speed being one of them off the top of my head. Have you been playing since release? How fast did you make it to masters? Do you have an RTS background?
There are so many other questions and concerns to consider when making this decision. I don't think it's one you should make on your own, either. Getting people's opinion on teamliquid is one thing, but do not make this decision too hasty.
Everyone feels that way when there 15. Don't worry about it. Also don't cut sleep for more starcraft. That will hinder everything. And I absolutely mean everything.
Watch this, very carefully, before you do something extremely stupid and laughable, you don't choose starcraft, starcraft chooses you. then just like any "love" relationship, you can then choose how far to take it, but not until it's already serious, in which case, you can't know until it just "happens".
you're basically saying you're about to date a girl, and force love to happen, it doesn't work that way, same with being a progamer/getting to the level you talk about.
focus on making your practice time as efficient as possible, don't let anyone tell you what you should or should not do. if you dont know how to make your practice time efficient i suggest doing some searches and always remember to focus on 1 thing at a time when improving something ; )
On November 13 2011 11:24 Billd wrote: GGLastshdow (a rather unknown zerg who is in Korea and getting quite good) commented on all these players trying to go pro. He believes if you're not at least high master with an MMR high enough to play Grandmasters within six months of picking up the game, you'll never make it pro because you just don't have the skill. His argument was basically Skill vs Hard Work which is obviously a large discussion and I would tend to agree with hard work beating skill, but in Starcraft 2 I think there are some things that set pros apart from high master players and even pros from other pros that you're "born with" so to speak. Incredible, efficient hand speed being one of them off the top of my head. Have you been playing since release? How fast did you make it to masters? Do you have an RTS background? .
Ive been playing since late beta, I think I got placed in gold oddly enough because I had no rts backround. And I quickly got my way to diamond (2gate proxy <3). And after that when I stopped cheesing I kept practicing and started watching day9 and learned the basics of rts, and then I started playing for real and I never dropped from diamond. I've been playing semi seriously since then. I got instantly promoted to masters when it got out, ive been up there but the step from being up there to being really good is a hard one.
On November 13 2011 13:29 VPCursed wrote: focus on making your practice time as efficient as possible, don't let anyone tell you what you should or should not do. if you dont know how to make your practice time efficient i suggest doing some searches and always remember to focus on 1 thing at a time when improving something ; )
Thank you, and yes I am aware of the idea to keep your goals to yourself, but now that I have posted this I have promised to do this to myself. It helps, and also it was too late to not tell anybody, I said I wanted to go professional before I was diamond lol.
On November 13 2011 13:25 lastshadow wrote: Watch this, very carefully, before you do something extremely stupid and laughable, you don't choose starcraft, starcraft chooses you. then just like any "love" relationship, you can then choose how far to take it, but not until it's already serious, in which case, you can't know until it just "happens".
you're basically saying you're about to date a girl, and force love to happen, it doesn't work that way, same with being a progamer/getting to the level you talk about.
I appreciate the feedback. I know what you mean, but I'm not a bad player and I'm sure that I can play well enough too be on a good team. I just need to commit to it. And if I fail then at least i've tried. I need it. I was good when I started starcraft, and I kept playing and just got better by not trying to be really good, I played for fun. For about 3months, then I stepped it up.
Your blog is true, but I know I can make it. And I have to try. Thank you.
Edit* And if I can't be good enough. Then I will be doing something different e-sport related.
EPT
