EPTIt's been a major mindfuck for me. I don't have trouble meeting women. I'm not particularly good at it but I can hold my own and I'm pretty good at going out and meeting people. And since I sorted some shit out in my life (refer to: my life) I figured I'd like to meet a girl. Someone I really got along with. And I played the surf for a while, I met girls who were pretty or nice but there was no real connection. I like dick jokes, video games, more dick jokes, drinking, reading, writing, music and all other manner of shit I can't talk to women about due to completely differing opinions.
And it's gone in total waves. One week I'll be out at clubs or on a date, the next I'll give up and feel apathetic about the odds of me winding up in a decent relationship. Here enters Emma. That's not her real name of course, I'm just using it because I heard it in a song. She's one of my best friend's sisters. She's a dime if I've ever seen one. Gorgeous but I'll spare the details for a more pornographic blog. Her personality is unmistakable. She was just about the first girl I met who genuinely enjoyed cock jokes, and not in the sort of "I'm gonna be like 'one of the guys' and desperately laugh at this" but really found them funny and contributed some sick shit to late night conversations.
I met her two years ago, right before she moved to America. After she moved we kept talking on Skype, at least once a week or so. We would talk a lot for a bit, then not at all, but we caught on really fast and really liked each other. I mean, I really liked her--thought she was the best girl I'd ever met. And I entertained the idea of having a relationship but it was never something that bothered me or that was really on my mind. I assumed it'd never work for two reasons:
1. She lives in America,
2. She probably doesn't like me in that way.
She was also making occasional visits back here, but it never really struck me as enough to make a relationship of it.
And that was it. It wasn't like I was lying awake at night thinking, "I love Emma so much but she'd never feel that way about me," it was more like having some sort of annoying voice in the back of your head telling you that what you're looking for is right in front of you but you still can't see it.
I'll give some more depth to this. Every time my Skype went off, I'd get excited and wonder if it was her. Every time I got a notification on Facebook I'd do the same. When I'd hear she was coming (which hasn't happened for over a year) I'd feel this sort of tear from the bottom of my chest to the pit of my stomach. And all the while I never interpreted this as love. It was like I was completely blind. Retrospectively I don't know what I thought, it was just...blind as could be.
Now, she's away now. I haven't spoken to her in a few weeks aside from a few messages including "internet's broken". But I was at a friend's house the other weekend, someone who's known her from childhood, and he said, "What's up with you and Emma?"
I still didn't click. "Nothing, why?"
"She just posts hearts on your Facebook and shit, she doesn't do that with anyone else."
"Yeah we're just friends like that."
"No, dude. She really likes you."
It felt like someone smacked me. I thought about it for a second and he might've been right. We spoke about it and turns out I'm the only one who hadn't been picking up on this. I mean, so much so to the point where she sent me a Skype message saying she wanted to have sex with me and take our relationship to the next level (and I thought this was a joke since it's common for us to say shit like that but not quite as hardcore, i.e. usually toned down a lot more) and I responded by telling her about something from my pants getting a bit of shit caught on it, clinging onto my ass hair and then sticking to the opposite butt cheek. I'm sorry for the details.
And now I'm looking over it and seeing every god damn obvious indicator I missed. And it was never a thought for me until someone else pointed it out. And this whole time I've been feeling like I'll never really find "love" and now I realize it's been right in front of me. And for anyone who's gonna be like, "Oh dude she probably doesn't like you she's just being nice," you have no idea just how badly I've been missing this. Like, copious. I mean, it was half-joking some of the time but half serious and the rest of the times she was genuinely trying to edge on a relationship.
For the last two weeks she's been the only thing I can think about. It's almost painful. You wanna think about something else but it's too good to ignore.
Unfortunately I can't speak to her right now because her shit's broken. But god damnit I feel blind, stupid and awesome all at the same time.
That said, TeamLiquid, I'm off to America. GLHF. Aaand I'm not worried about rejection at all. It might seem creepy for me to do this but we've been friends for like, 2 years. So yeah, I'mma go boss it up.
