EPTIn 2001, my friend Tim was playing a game called Starcraft. I looked at the game, having never played an RTS before and thought it looked interesting. I played the campaign, poorly, and had a decent time with it. It was a really fun game. I never went online. I didn't even give online play a consideration. I was just there to play the missions and then move onto the next game on the shelf.
Fast forward to early 2010. Starcraft 2 was coming and it was coming in a big way. I remembered the fun I had doing the campaign on that old, piece of crap, IBM computer back in 2001. One day I remembered to check it out and I went to Youtube and searched for "Starcraft 2 gameplay". Obviously, HDStarcraft was among the top results. (He was the big dog at that point in time. Husky was big too but HD was the king.) I watched my first game. I am fairly sure it was HD playing a game himself against someone else. It really sparked my attention.
I looked for more games. I watched all the games I could. Trying to understand what all these strange creatures and vehicles do. Trying to figure out all the strange terminology I've never heard before used in any other game. Understanding that you'd make one kind of unit to beat another kind of unit. It was enthralling. The competition was fierce and it was so indescribably dynamic. I'd never seen a game played like this before. I was hooked immediately.
I needed to be in this game. I needed to play it. I signed up for the Beta. I (extremely shamelessly) begged to random people on Twitter for a beta key. I never received one. So, while I was stuck outside in the rain, watching the cool kids play with their new toy, I yearned for that kind of competition myself. I counted the days until the official release. I watched hours upon hours of the Day[9] release show. When the clock hit 10:00pm, I walked to the bus station three blocks away and waited for the bus. I left the house early to make sure I'd be there in time to get a copy of the game as soon as possible.
Fast forward to August 31, 2011. I've played this game every day since launch. (Few exceptions for days I was moving or a family problem.) I've read all the threads, watched all the VODS. I practice on the ladder or with friends. I have nearly 2,000 games played between the ladder and customs. I'm rank 12 in my Gold league. Gold.
I've spent hundreds upon hundreds of hours studying the art of the game. The tactics...the timings..the openings and the strategies. I see something new that excites me, I jump into YABOT and I drill that build into my head until I know it backwards and forwards. I take my new found knowledge into the game where it all falls apart. "Must-Stay-Alive" syndrome hits me hard and I don't make enough drones. I make too many drones and an army I didn't see coming from a mile away walks and crushes me. A well executed Baneling bust cracks into his base and my Lings wreck havoc, while five Banshees that I never noticed have destroyed every worker I have.
I've gone through every type of mindset. Every possible reason:
1:The medication you take slows down your brain process and you can't think or act proficiently.
2: You play on a laptop. The keyboard is probably awful. You use a $25 Logitech mouse. If you had better gear, you'd play better.
3:You don't play enough. Grind out twenty games a day and you'll get there.
4: You play too much. Just grinding games without analyzing what you're doing wrong won't help you. Slow down to a couple games a day and really see what's going on.
5: You're too old. You've already slowed down so far, you'll never be able to catch up no matter how much you practice. The "veterans" of the foreign scene are 25-27 years old. You missed your shot at being able to play well.
Too old to play a game well. An idea that just a year and a half ago I would have found absurd, has crept into my mind and hasn't left.
I never knew the Brood War scene. I didn't know about the giants Boxer or Nada or Savior or anyone. Even today I can't fully grasp how big and important these people were.
For several months now, my saving grace and my push forward was seeing people like White-ra, Nestea, Boxer and Nada; Essentially grandfathers of gaming, still performing well despite their age.
That glimmer of hope has vanished to the point of barely being a memory. After spending so much time and effort into something that I love so much, to not see any fruit from labor, has me exasperated and feeling defeated. I never had the intentions of becoming pro or even making it to Master league. What I always wanted was to just see some basic progress. Some indication that I've actually gotten better in some facet of the game. I haven't.
On September 14 of 2010 I was promoted to Silver league. On December 22nd, I was promoted to Gold. At the end of season one, I finished rank 3 in my Gold league. Season two I finished 10th. Currently in season three, I'm 12th. I've been at a complete and utter standstill in my play for nine months. I'll win a few in a row and play some Plats. I'll lose 4 out of the 5 I play and play some Silvers. I'll lose 3 out of the 5 of those. I stagnated.
Recently I tried taking the pressure off myself and really try and enjoy the game. I just screwed around on the ladder just to try and get a few laughs for myself and it was fun. My patented 6 Hatch, 5 Pool build was really really strong, up until they killed me every time with no effort.
That lost its lustor quickly and I fell back into watching great players on stream play and get that itch to play again. After humiliating losses after two or three games I shut off the game and go watch something else. I race switched and went random, I did all the ridiculous things anyone could think of to have fun with it and it only held off the sadness for so long.
So, at the age of 29 years old. Starcraft 2 being the only competitive game I've ever invested in, I sit here now, 12th in my Gold league, pondering my retirement. Sitting on the bench and watching real players do what I never could or can. Would it be enough? I don't know. Will I stop despite not having the fun with it that I'm suppose to? I don't know that either.
Can someone still stay so completely invested in a hobby, or even more, a lifestyle that they've poured so much of their time and energy into, to just end up....mediocre? That's yet another thing I don't know.
Yep, it's a whining Blog yet again. Things like this have been written 100 times before. This is how I feel and it's my situation. Sorry if it is annoying.
