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Active: 600 users

Random Poems

Blogs > echuchee
Post a Reply
echuchee
Profile Blog Joined March 2010
United States71 Posts
July 25 2011 21:15 GMT
#1
Over the past few years I've spent quite a bit of time writing random poems. I just thought I'd like to write it in a blog to see what most people think of them. They all have a pretty good rhythm to them and have a nice underlying theme. A few of them I wrote when I was going through some hard times so they relate a bit to my life. Any feedback would be appreciated.

Untitled
+ Show Spoiler +
Waking up,
Sunlight bursting through the sky.
Prepared for the day,
of our demise.

Outnumbered ten to one,
With no options left,
We were to fight valiantly,
until our deaths.

Flag in plain view,
Floating above our heads.
Trumpeters sound,
The battle was to begin.

The horn was blown,
The charge began,
We braced for impact,
Sword and shield in hand.

They swarmed us,
With the momentum of a ram.
In mere seconds,
We had countless dead.

Our numbers were dwindling,
With few choices left.
With every last breath,
We fought to the death.

Look to my left,chaos.
Look to my right,despair.
I took our flag,
and rallied our men there.

We began to pick up the slack,
Uniting together,
Fighting back to back.

Standing as one,
Refusing to yield,
The wall of men held
until the end.

The blaze in our hearts,
Burned bright that day.
For every man we had,
Ten of theirs were slayed.

When the day was over,
When the sun had set,
After the onslaught,
Few of us were left.

Just enough to tell the story.
Just enough to bury the dead.


Mistakes
+ Show Spoiler +
sitting in bed, looking straight up
hoping your mistakes
from that day
to fade away
but they wont
it went the way it happened
and theres nothing you can do
its too late now
regrets overwhelm you

you cant sleep
you cant relax
or do anything at all
it infests your mind all night long

tossing and turning
getting worse and worse
you break a sweat
and suffer from extreme thirst

you just cant let go
from something you think about so much
it keeps bringing you down
and nothing can bring you back up

the whole time
you wish you were asleep
but you cant acheive peace
it just aint happening
no matter what you do
or what you think

eventually you get up
take a drink and a piss
stretch your muscles
sit down and wish
to god
that things would get better
but the chances are slim
and your hope is dwindlin
down the drain

exhaustion finally takes its toll
you fall into a deep sleep
where your infested mind
takes control
of your dreams
only hurting you more
and your saying please
oh please stop
and then you hear the beep beep
from the alarm clock
goin off

a new day is about to start
with new decisions to make
hopefully this time
you wont make the same mistakes


My Life
+ Show Spoiler +
I am the only author
to the story called my life.
I'm in charge of writing
all the chapters and lines.
From page one to the last
all the content is mine.
I have it all copyrighted
dated and signed.

It will contain
a number of things
from stories of hope and fortune
to stories of hate and pain.
Leaving no rock unturned
describing the fiery burns
that have scorched my soul
forcing me to learn

to get smart or get out.
Only the best will survive.
The story of the weak
would only get to page five.
But I intend to endure
so it will be long for sure,
because every passing day
is another written page
filled with everything I do
and everything I say.

I will not write my story
in the shadow of another,
because I strive to be better
so my story will be like no other.
I choose not to hide
behind blasphemy or lies,
because my world would collide
with reality and explode in my face
associating my name with disgrace
banishing me to outer space.

My future is unfolding
before my very eyes.
I choose to live life to the fullest
seizing the day and the night,
so that the story I write
will be vivid and bright
and teach a lesson to those
who need help with their life.


Gametime
+ Show Spoiler +
its gametime
theres obstacles all around
break through them
dont let them bring you down
for every one left
will leave you with a regret
that will haunt you through the next
leaving you feeling perplexed
breaking your concentration
so the rest bears down hard
leaving you defenseless
from your mind to your heart
causing discomfort inside
pain you just can't deny
the only option is to fix your life
its gametime
you can't throw in the towel
will you smash through the obstacles?
or will they break you down?


*
flowSthead
Profile Blog Joined March 2011
1065 Posts
July 25 2011 22:02 GMT
#2
I don't know how critical you want me to be. I will say that I think Untitled is your best from this bunch, and that you have at least a good grasp on keeping the right amount of syllables in each line, which I think is important. But to go any deeper, I may say something taken as too harsh, and I know from experience that criticizing people's works can get...misconstrued because it is so personal a lot of the time.
"You can be creative but I will crush it under the iron fist of my conservative play." - Liquid`Tyler █ MVP ■ MC ■ Boxer ■ Grubby █
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