EPTI browsing around the dorms, skipping one of the more boring meetings of "pre-frosh weekend", when I saw an open room door. I poked my head inside and saw two guys working on a laptop together. I wanted to start a conversation, but I couldn't find the courage to muster any words, I just watched quietly from outside of the room. After a few seconds, I noticed someone had taped pictures of Mudkips all over the walls of the room, and I saw my chance.
"I luurrvvee mudkips!" I declared, stepping into the center of the doorway.
The two men paused and turned to look at me, suddenly seeming much older and intimidating than I had original thought. I panicked and blushed, shuffling a few steps backwards and starting to mutter an apology for disturbing them.
Suddenly, one of the guys let out the brightest smile I'd ever seen and stood up, welcoming me. I talked to both of them and introduced myself, feeling relieved. The guy who had given me that amazing smile was sweet, hilarious and just an absolutely amazing person. Meeting and spending time with him really convinced me that was the college I wanted to go to, despite the fact he was graduating that year and would not be there when I attended.
We exchanged numbers and I found myself downloading skype as soon as I got home to keep up communication. He was great to talk to, geeky, intelligent, kind and had a sense of humor that no one else could match. I found myself with the biggest crush on him and every time we talked it only grew. After talking for a while, I found out that he was a Starcraft player. While I had played many video games, I had always avoided RTSs, just figuring they weren't my type. He talked so passionately about the game, I decided I wanted to share that passion with him.
Knowing he was a really skilled player, I was reluctant to discuss the game much with him. I worked at Game Stop at the time, so I read through the Starcraft user manual when I found myself with a few seconds to spare at work. I tried to memorize stats and come up with counters to each unit while reading, but I felt oddly overwhelmed. With some searching, I found a few videos of old matches he had played and cheered him on while watching, even though the games were years old. Watching his games taught me more than anything else had, but I still had some sort of fear that if I started trying to play Starcraft that I would realize he was on a whole different level of human intelligence and skill, that I would just shame myself. No matter how often I told myself those fears were silly, I still managed to avoid playing Starcraft.
When I finally got to college, I was overwhelmed by all of the new people and finally living on my own. He visited the college during the first weekend after freshman orientation, as many alumni do, to see his underclassmen friends and greet me. When I saw him, I completely panicked. I was never good at expressing my more complicated feelings and I wasn't able to express how I felt. In fact, I managed to completely turn him away.
After he left, I felt completely lost and confused. I rewatched a few of his matches, then tried my best to ignore the game and thoughts of him. Perhaps I really wasn't on his level of play.
A few months later, I found myself going to Blizzcon. I saw him there and he was as kind, happy and courteous as ever, but he was busy with the Starcraft tournaments. I talked to him for a few minutes the first day, just enough to make me start kicking myself again, and then we parted ways.
It took me a long time to decide what to do with the Starcraft 2 beta key I had received in my Blizzcon goodie bag. Eventually, I gave it to one of my good friends and forced them to promise me the first friend invite they received. Unfortunately, the promise was broken and I was left raging about how I could have just sold the card or given it to someone who would uphold such promises. The next friend invite was mine, though.
I nervously downloaded the client and logged in for the first time. I had already decided that I was going to try to perfect Zerg, as I felt that the race would best suit my desired play style. I played game after game, messing up my micro and macro, taking years to select units and forgetting requirements for upgrades.
After a lot of practice, I started getting the hang of it. I even won a few games and found myself able to rank decently. However, that didn't restrain the harsh words of my opponents. I was told numerous times that I was "a waste of a beta key," along with other insults and complaints. I felt oddly alienated from the community, unlike I had with other games. Still, I pressed forward and practiced in my spare time.
When the time came around, I ordered the SC2 CE, eager for the art and other goodies. A number of members of my WoW guild also began playing and I was happy to join them. I honed my skills and started practicing with one of my guild members for our guild tournament. He was my personal coach and gave me a lot of insight and game basics that I would have taken much longer to gain otherwise.
The guild tournament finally came around. I was excited and nervous. I found out who my first opponent was and started studying his strategy. It was a terran player who enjoyed blocking themselves in their base and rushed straight to battlecruisers. He used the same strategy in every game I saw him play.
I played terribly. Actually, I played fairly well, but I was still so timid with the game, I didn't realize I had multiple times where I could have just crushed him if I moved all of my forces in. A strategic nydus worm in the back of his base should have assured my victory, but his command center escaped with 20 hp. Yes, no exaggeration, 20. Of course, I realized after he had flown away that I had messed up and forgot to unload my last 5 units. After over a full hour of gameplay, I lost due to diminished resources and his battlecruisers.
I cried. Literally. I just broke down and cried. The amount of frustration built up in that hour washed over me at once. I knew I had played poorly, I knew that the victory should have been mine so many times, and yet I had lost.
The second game he tried a different strategy, and I beat him in under 15 minutes.
The third game was yet another grueling, painful game, lasting over 45 minutes. I lost in the end and felt completely exhausted. I was upset and utterly ashamed of myself. My hands had been shaking during the full 2+ hours of gameplay and I couldn't believe I preformed so poorly. I just laid back in my bed and cried. I thought of the guy who had started my interest in Starcraft and felt even worse. If he had seen how I preformed, how would he feel?
I played occasionally with friends in custom games, but began avoiding Starcraft as much as possible. Then, one day, he randomly sent me a soundclip. It was a story that was really touching and encouraged me to shrug off my bad feelings and start playing again.
Even to this day, I often find myself mesmerized when I listen to him. When he casts, I smile and laugh along with everyone else watching, but find myself feeling a little crushed inside, too. Some part of me just wants to reach through my laptop and grab his attention once again. Instead, I listen quietly and cheer him on from here.
So, yes, I play Starcraft. I'm not great at it. In fact, I'm not even good at it, but I still love my little zerglings and I try to be the best queen I can.
![[image loading]](http://i116.photobucket.com/albums/o4/GinRyuChan/cleveer.png)
