So... My first blog post... Ever. And yes, I am gonna start with asking TL.net community for advice or thoughts on an issue I have with my girlfriend. Due to the nature of the story, names have been changed. I can't go to any of my friends about this because of reasons in the story.
I suppose some background is required first though, so let's pick it up from last year.
I'm currently studying Chemical Engineering, being in my 3rd year last year I stay in a residence (called dorms in other countries I suppose?) where we're lucky enough to have guys and girls in the same place. Now before this gets your hopes up, it's not dodgy at all. Guys on the left side of a 4 storey building, ladies on the right. And there are locked doors and stuff to make everyone (i guess mostly parents) feel safe. 10 buildings all together, sorta like a bunch of flats. All in all there are about 600 people staying here, and they manage it easily because our rooms are smaller than most people's bathrooms... A story for another day.
I went through a really bad break up in February of that year (2010 in case anyone has lost track of time) after 16 months and the bad part of it was that my now ex girlfriend stayed in the same location as me. However, as usually happens, the phrase "it can't get worse" invokes Murphy's law, and she got wit some other dude 2 weeks later... a dude I hated (only cos he was my arch rival in our DotA LANs) and also a dude who happened to live in the opposite building from me, which meant that I could clearly see them making out from my kitchen. Aaaaannnyways...
Skip forward a few months and I meet one of my best friend's sister. Ya ya, I know what you're thinking, never date a bro's sis. Well chill out and read on. We shall call my friend James, and her Sarah for the story, and yes, Raynor/Kerrigan was the reason for that. She drove with her father and another one of my friends (who we shall name Matt for the duration of the story) up from where she stays (Lets call it Shakura, please?) about 600 km away (you work that out in miles, but prob around 400mi?) to come to our Varsity's open day. This just so happened to coincide with my birthday. So since both my friends were coming, I invited her along. Matt later confessed to liking her, despite the fact that he had just got a job at her school as her IT teacher. It was scandalous and honestly kinda funny, but I had only just met Sarah, and so thought he might as well go for it.
I think this is where I need to state that some people's idea of a relationship is quite different to mine. I'm oldschool, so when it comes to sex and all that, I was raised to believe that you keep yourself to yourself until you get married. If you disagree that's great, but it won't change that about me.
Beginning of this year, I learn that Sarah and Matt have broken up. Matt seems to think I'm the dude to talk to about the whole situation, and I learn that they slept together and then stuff didn't go right and they ended up fighting... Bla bla it goes on, but u can read his blog one day if he ever makes one. The thing is, I can't tell James because it's his sister! He would murder Matt (seriously, he has this huge knife... It would get messy)
Well, I'm not a dick, so my first thought is, "ok, she's off my possible gf list cos bro code rule #34 states that a bro shall not date another bro's ex." And this worked... Sorta. You see, Sarah is very outgoing. She can get along with basically anyone. She is also drop dead gorgeous. And I'm not just saying it, it's true. She can't go anywhere without randoms hitting on her.
So what's the problem you might ask? She moved into my residence this year. Well, all my friends (girls and guys that all have bfs or gfs) think she's awesome and they continuously insist that she hang out with us. And funnily enough, James being her sister never really made it weird. They get along really well with all of us as friends. To add to all of this, Matt moved up from Shakuras as well and started studying at a college down the road from us. He met some other chick (this is an awesome story, but also for another time) and they started dating.
However, as time went on, I really started to like Sarah. Aside from the fact that she's beautiful, she's intelligent and funny and we get along really well. She's one of the people I can hold a conversation with for hours and never have any of that awkwardness. But the knowledge that she slept with Matt and how he felt about her kept me at bay. I never made any move on her, nothing... For a while. My birthday arrived this year, and whole bunch of us went for supper at this amazing coffee restaurant. Matt couldnt make it cos he had gf problems. It was really fun a whole bunch of us just chilling together. But I knew I was starting to fall for Sarah. One of my other friends (Mengsk) was at my birthday too, and we raced each other down a few streets on our way home.
I logged onto SC2 later that night and saw that Mengsk was online. I took this opportunity to ask him "So what do you think of James's sister?" there was some silence for a while, and I hovered my mouse over his portrait to see that he was playing single player vs AI. James NEVER plays vs AI. I then get a "LOL!" back in chat. It seems that Mengsk let James play single player on his account that night. Ya... I'm screwed. Haha
Well actually James kinda laughed it off, and approached me the next day saying that he had no issue with me dating his sister, that it was
Right, read the whole thing, and your question is.. what? Not that I'm complaining, it was an enjoyable read anyway. I started to laugh at Shakuras and smiled the whole way through.
TL;DR: The girl you like is your friend's sister (James, who'd be cool with it) and another friend's ex-gf (Matt, who wouldn't be cool with it)?
I think you start dating her, because James is fine with it and Matt already has a new gf. Of course it'll be awkward at the beginning but if you feel like she's the right one for you...
Just talk to them first and explain your situation!
I got a bit confused with the whole sc2 cast being in your dorm.
Long story short? If you like the girl and you both get along well then make it happen!
Stop analysing the situation and tell her how you feel. "I think you are beautiful, intelligent....." and take it from there. The fact that Mengsk is her stepdad or uncle or brother or w/e is irrelevant.
oh crap for some reason the rest of the post isnt there. Sigh! Here it is:
between me and Matt, and my conscience. Ouch!
So one night Sarah came over to my room and we were watching a some South Park episodes (epic show!) but somewhere during the night our hands drifted closer together and we held hands and all that mushy stuff that kinda hints that you both like each other. But I still had this feeling that if I continued with it I would be betraying Matt.
We spoke about it for a while, and she went on to tell me that she didn't want Matt in her life anymore. She did not know that I knew what had happened between them, but she told me at a later stage. She said how she hated herself for it and that she tried to make herself feel better with drinking and making out with randoms in clubs and it had been really out of hand. This wasn't the person I knew. The way she had explained how she had been pressured into sex had made me so angry at Matt. But I still had my loyalty to him.
When I saw Matt next, I finally got the courage to ask him if he would mind me dating Sarah. His reply was that in the end he just wanted her to be happy and that I was better than "most of the other dicks" out there. I told him I would give it some time and consider it.
2 weeks later I asked Sarah out. We kept it really quiet for a few days but slowly people found out, so we told Matt that we were now dating. He was pissed! And I can sorta understand that maybe I was a dick, and maybe I am wrong and that I might just be the bad guy, but that kinda flak I deserve. Sarah said she doesn't care what he thinks, but I sorta don't really know how truthful that is. Surely there is some connection between 2 people who are each other's "First"
Anyways, Matt and I eventually sorted things out. Things were said that need not be repeated here, but in the end we have made up our disagreements and are friends again. But this is where I'm starting to get concerned.
Sarah really hates this guy, or so she says. And honestly I don't blame her from what I've heard. But I don't want her to get hurt again by Matt, because he is the kind of guy that will try to "sort things out." Somehow he convinced her that he still wants to be friends. She complains about him every time he texts her and he even went to visit her brother at their place during these holidays.
But here's the thing. I told her that if she doesnt want him to be part of her life then she can't reply to his texts or whatever. It's not that difficult to ignore someone you hate. The other problem is that now he goes to her with his girlfriend problems. It pisses me off to no end but I feel like I have no say in the matter.
So in the end, even though I might seem like the bad guy, I ask for some advice. Do I ask her to stop talking to him? I think if the tables were turned and my ex was confiding in me, that Sarah would be pretty upset. What do you think?
Edit: will fix up OP when I get back home tonight, can't seem to do it here.
OK, new TL;DR: Your gf starts talking to her ex-bf again but tells you that she doesn't want him to be in her life anymore.
I think you should just spend your time with your gf and not be talking about Matt that much anymore. He seems to be in a kinda shitty spot right now, so try to help him and when things have evened out everything will be fine again I guess.
If you really think that your gf doesn't want him to be a part of her life anymore, just tell him that and that you'd be there if he needed someone to talk!
You can't just tell Sarah not to talk to Matt. You can explain how it makes you feel (to both of them). There are 3 people and 3 different relationships involved here and if you are bothered by the relationship that doesn't involve you, you need to let the other two sides know what the issue is.
If she really doesn't want to talk to him, she should/would stop. If she asks you for help ending communication with him, you can also work as a mediator between the two.
Also, from my experience in relationships, never think you can "tell" the other person what to do (this is one of the reasons to avoid working with/for friends).
While I'd always be on the bros before hoes area, especially if you're old friends, that totally goes out the windows when James says its cool, and Matt did sort off. Hell, if he wants her to be happy then why did he get angry in the end when Sarah (this is getting weird) agreed?
Bro code goes out the window when consent comes into the picture, and if he truly wants her to be happy, he won't be constantly badgering her about her gf (cmon, you may be friends, but you NEVER talk to your ex about problems with your current, that's pretty high up in the code as well)
Talk to her, at worst, you score a few points for caring about her, at best, both sides sort out their differences and Matt goes back to campaigning for change.
I only have this account for liquidbets, but I have to respond to this since I used to have a similar situation to Matt and honestly feel bad for the guy.
The fact of the matter is, I wouldn't believe the stuff Sarah or Matt for that matter says because they're both feeling the hurt and misinterpreting each others' intentions in the worst possible way. Hell, I don't think Matt pressured Sarah into sex IF SHE WAS WILLING TO MAKE OUT WITH RANDOMs and if she made out with randoms, how do you know you're not her rebound and she's even keeping Matt around so she can get back at him and make him upset. You can say all you want about her being a nice person and she probably is, but the nicest people I know turn into different people when it comes to relationship problems. Better yet, how are you any different from the randoms she made out with? Are you really more than a rebound to her (I somehow doubt it)?
As for you, you're his friend and you're describing him in a pretty bad manner. Why do you believe someone you've met and known for a few months over a longtime friend?
And Matt is trying to be a good guy from what I can tell, but being a good guy in this story with so much hurt emotions is harder than it sounds. Personally, I think you shouldn't have dated that chick in the first place.
EDIT: And consider this, the person Matt asked for help and relationship advice is the same person who's dating the girl he was talking to. Even if he says it's okay (which is an obvious lie and you should've known better), I think it's worse than having your worst enemy dating your ex; having a friend you trusted just hurts.
This is a little weird for me. I consider myself a faithful Roman Catholic but I'm not that faithful to the point that I don't really buy into the idea of no sex before marriage. In this day and age women are fickle, and unless they buy into the same doctrine you do then sexual chemistry is a very important part of the relationship.
Seeing as how this girl has already had sex she probably expects you to eventually have sex with her.
Anyways her behaviour is really sub-par in that she's still talking to her ex-boyfriend. I would not really be cool with this; I've never spoken much if at all with my ex-girlfriends. What's worse is that she spent time with the family - that has to end right away. She's obviously young, naive, and will probably do something stupid so just don't over-analyze the relationship and let things go where they may until they reach their inevitable conclusion.
James does not mind his sister hanging around. His sister is drop dead gorgeous. James sees you as a "safe" person because you do not want to have sex until marriage.
It is my conclusion that James and his drop dead gorgeous sister are getting it on and he is allowing you to date her so they can create a smoke screen for their incestuous relationship.
On July 11 2011 20:48 DusTerr wrote: You can't just tell Sarah not to talk to Matt. You can explain how it makes you feel (to both of them). There are 3 people and 3 different relationships involved here and if you are bothered by the relationship that doesn't involve you, you need to let the other two sides know what the issue is.
If she really doesn't want to talk to him, she should/would stop. If she asks you for help ending communication with him, you can also work as a mediator between the two.
Also, from my experience in relationships, never think you can "tell" the other person what to do (this is one of the reasons to avoid working with/for friends).
I was going to do a post I want to quote this guy because it says a lot. If it were me it would bug the shit out of me that she's QQ'ing about my friend every now and then. I'm no expert it's obvious that there might still be feelings there. Be honest with both of them and bring up everything that you feel is bothering you but try not to be too much of a drama queen I guess.
I would honestly have no problem if my friend was QQ'ing about his girlfriend to your girl since hey if they want to be friends, then it's totally fine. Thinking back now it does seem like Sarah has feelings for him because she was so bothered by him that she went to make out with random guys on clubs? It's probably nothing but I don't know about you but something is wrong there. Remember that humans are dicks, and try not to let yourself get too hurt if anything rash happens.
EPT
