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Accepting who I am hasn't been, and still isn't easy. Its hard to believe what your brain can do to deceive you, and how if you try hard enough, its possible to actually keep your gay side down most of your life (and I believe all your life too, but if someone keeps it down all there life, how do you know?). To say the least, I have no interest, want, or will in that category.
In any case, I hope this serves as a vent for me, and an insight as to what may (and that's a big may) be happening in someone's brain you know. Or you can stop yawning and I'll cut to the chase.
First off, somehow before I knew I was gay, my brain was working over time to make me behave as straight as possible. I DID actually have an extremely weak sex drive for girls, and a small amount of attraction. Any of the same sex attractions I had were squashed quite forcibly. And this was passive. To say the least, society unintentionally tries to throw everyone in the same mold, and it took quite a bit of shock for me to break mine, instead of desperately trying to fit. Amazingly enough, that teen "MUST FIT IN" thought, managed to overpower my sexuality. Another interesting thing, is while squelching relatively gay thoughts, my brain managed to overpower a few other habits I now have, and have been suppressing for ages, and even inserted some likes I now want nothing to do with. First off, my vanity hasn't been able to push off my brain until recently, partially before this (because everyone is desperately dating) and even more now. To say the least, I'm actually pretty vain now. Which is how I managed to go from a greasy mess with acne and dandruff, to grease free everything (and my hair literally can be grease free at night, and the next morning its greasy again) in a week of madness. Some things I think I made myself like have gone up in flames. Baseball has gone from a slight bore, to so boring I can't watch a game for thirty seconds boring. Football (american, since TL does have international members) is not very appealing to me anymore. Before I'd suffer through a game for who knows what, but now I won't even look at it. My interest for soccer has stayed though, so at least I won't die during the season that starts in a month. (Though thinking about it, I'm going to have to think of what to say towards those who think I'm gay during that)
Back on track, I think that this was the year where my urges got strong enough, I had to use some actual conscious willpower to keep myself the way my brain wanted for the moment. About half way through this school year, I was beginning to gleam feelings for guys. But, for the moment I theorized I was just confused or something, or envious. This, at the time made sense, and even now I can see how I came to that conclusion. I have high metabolism and a small frame, and until recently I haven't been able to get enough muscle to cover it up. (A week or two ago I got there) When your ribs are showing, you envy can be extended to almost anyone. In any case, I believed it until I found out a guy was in love with me and I loved him back.
I really want to be able to tell people, to dispense this fact like I don't care, but there are a couple barriers that prevent this. The first, is my boyfriend. He swears to god he's bi (likes both genders, not transgender... that would be gross.) He doesn't want people to know, (for good reasons, after he's done with me he's going after girls lol) and he is really against people dating me for some reason. The second huge wall is my parents, who are kinda split on the issue.
My mother's had breast cancer, and now has as issue with her thyroid. She's pretty much insane most of the time due to hormones. If you catch here at the right time though, she's really nice actually. She's pretty open to gays, but REALLY doesn't believe in openness and "coming out".
My father is the brick wall. He hates gays, environmental movements, fashion, vanity, and anything that has anything to do with gay rights.
The two are on he brink of divorce. I believe that once my brother is 18 and out of here (a year and a few months, I may announce this. There are a couple reasons I may do so.
1.I'll have broken up with this guy for a LONG time.
2.My parents really should get a divorce imo, and this could be the final straw.
3.No huge burden following my brother around at the high school (he's had enough crap to deal with already)
If anyone has already gone through this, or you have suggestions (even if you think they're impossible/dumb) please comment
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On June 13 2011 02:52 NeverBorn wrote:
Couldnt you have just made this blog a single line something like "Hey everyone, I just realised Im a faggot" ?
Reading about men being in love with other men in much the same way as with a woman is fuckin disturbing. Men that love other men are sick fucks, sorry cousin but thats the straight(pun intended) truth.
Go meet someone gay IRL, and come back. Then your opinion holds water. Congrats though, that is one hell of a first post.
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On June 13 2011 03:15 NeverBorn wrote:
I have met gays IRL and you guys always trying to get some ass....I had to fuckin break a few ribs one time to get the point across....."THIS ASS AINT NO ENTRY POINT FAGS" being the point.
Alright we get it, your a complete homophobe. Are you gonna contribute to the blog itself or what...?
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On June 13 2011 03:15 NeverBorn wrote:
I have met gays IRL and you guys always trying to get some ass....I had to fuckin break a few ribs one time to get the point across....."THIS ASS AINT NO ENTRY POINT FAGS" being the point.
...Sorry about that. Though truthfully at the moment I'm the one RESISTING my boyfriend's attempts to pull that. And in any case, its not like I forced this upon myself. Despite stereotypes, were not all like that. Just as I would agree, certain women would agree all men aren't like that. If you'd looked at the last blog, you might have realized that I wasn't exactly thrilled with this.
I can't keep rejecting myself.
Double posts suck so here's an edit.
On June 13 2011 03:20 NeverBorn wrote:Well for the blog....a rhetorical question. "Do you sir think what you are is normal ?" Dont you ever question whatever god you worship about why he(or she) cursed you this way. Show nested quote +On June 13 2011 03:17 MOARpylons wrote:
Alright we get it, your a complete homophobe You cannot be friends with these homos...sooner or later they start believing that they can convert you to their way and the are relentless, no less so than a 'normal' person that is in pursuit of a woman. That is why i cannot stand faggots.
Not all of us are like that. I take offence. Not all of us tell everyone there gay. The few you knew who were gay were the showy types who like to shove it in your face. And truthfully, I have no remorse for them.
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On June 13 2011 03:15 NeverBorn wrote:
I have met gays IRL and you guys always trying to get some ass....I had to fuckin break a few ribs one time to get the point across....."THIS ASS AINT NO ENTRY POINT FAGS" being the point. You guys are always lookin for converts for your faggotry.
Sure is internet tough guy in here.
EDIT: Oh wait, he's trolling. 3 posts and all.
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Aqueos, I can't help as I'm straight. However, I totally disagree with what NeverBorn said, and I hope you don't take his opinion seriously. I suggest not even replying to him. 
Good luck!
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On June 13 2011 03:25 NeverBorn wrote:Show nested quote +On June 13 2011 03:22 Aqueos wrote:
...Sorry about that. Though truthfully at the moment I'm the one RESISTING my boyfriend's attempts to pull that. And in any case, its not like I forced this upon myself. Despite stereotypes, were not all like that. Just as I would agree, certain women would agree all men aren't like that. If you'd looked at the last blog, you might have realized that I wasn't exactly thrilled with this.
I can't keep rejecting myself. I suppose you have a dilemma with your own nature and its contradiction to natural norms. I honestly believe that all gays can stamp that same-sex attraction out of their minds
I honestly believe that's impossible. I've tried it. For most my life. It resulted in me practically being bipolar. I'm sorry, I prefer gay over depressed and bipolar. You are quite a stubborn homophobe sir. And if this is a troll, its all good. At least people will better understand what you have to put up with to be yourself sometimes.
On June 13 2011 03:27 darkness wrote:Aqueos, I can't help as I'm straight. However, I totally disagree with what NeverBorn said, and I hope you don't take his opinion seriously. I suggest not even replying to him. Good luck!
I'm taking such delight at seeing how idiotic this guy can be. Ah, and now neverborn pulls the good old YOUR TALKING TO YOURSELF. But I quoted so were good :D
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On June 13 2011 03:25 NeverBorn wrote:
--- Nuked ---
Clearly this guy joined just to say this shit which makes me think that he is actually a user on TL who just doesn't want to get his main account banned. To bad we don't know who he really is.
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On June 13 2011 03:45 IamBach wrote:Clearly this guy joined just to say this shit which makes me think that he is actually a user on TL who just doesn't want to get his main account banned. To bad we don't know who he really is.
I will agree. Also, I never realized how passionate I was about this till now. Its pretty predictable really.
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sorry you got such a bad first response. You are who you are, and you have to enjoy your life, and genuinely like yourself as a person. Being openly gay exposes you to a lot of people who are ignorant or hateful, so you'll have to be strong. In my experience, the hateful people will be hateful regardless, and aren't worth knowing even if you are straight. The ignorant ones can usually be educated, since there are a lot of misconceptions about being gay.
Good luck!
Also the whole "make the gay go away with willpower" is fucking hilarious. Being LGBT means a lot of risk, a lot of potential discrimination, and the possibility of a very hard life (especially for the T end of the spectrum). Very few people would 'choose' to be LGBT.
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Courage mate courage.
I think you should wait as well until your brother leaves.
Best of luck and I'm proud of you for being open or wanting to be open.
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On June 13 2011 03:53 fusionsdf wrote:
sorry you got such a bad first response. You are who you are, and you have to enjoy your life, and genuinely like yourself as a person. Being openly gay exposes you to a lot of people who are ignorant or hateful, so you'll have to be strong. In my experience, the hateful people will be hateful regardless, and aren't worth knowing even if you are straight. The ignorant ones can usually be educated, since there are a lot of misconceptions about being gay.
Good luck!
Also the whole "make the gay go away with willpower" is fucking hilarious. Being LGBT means a lot of risk, a lot of potential discrimination, and the possibility of a very hard life (especially for the T end of the spectrum). Very few people would 'choose' to be LGBT.
I'm still getting used to the T end. And cleaning up my language to avoid all bad puns involving gay. I think I'm almost done with that.
On June 13 2011 04:07 Torte de Lini wrote:
Courage mate courage.
I think you should wait as well until your brother leaves.
Best of luck and I'm proud of you for being open or wanting to be open.
At the moment wanting. But everyone has thought I was gay longer than I knew, and I just dodge when people ask. Most are pretty sure I'm gay. And for once, I'm happy about it lol :D
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Here's a thread that might suit you: Gay Starcraft Players. Just remember that the TL community welcomes all kinds of people, and I wish you luck in solving your problems!
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On June 13 2011 05:27 edc.initiative wrote:Here's a thread that might suit you: Gay Starcraft Players. Just remember that the TL community welcomes all kinds of people, and I wish you luck in solving your problems!
I feel all weird now. I'm like the only stereotypical gay guy on here O.o Thanks anyway.
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EPT
