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So I've been dating this girl for about 3 months, we've been through a lot together and it feels like it's been forever, at least a year or two. Today I came home and she didn't look too excited, after she finished cooking she walked out with her girl friend, supposedly to a bar. It sounded weird because we never go out without each other so I just stared her down as she walked out and didn't respond to her 'bye'.
Upon entering my room I found a note, more like a letter. I knew something happened, how often do you find a letter from a girl you live with? I started reading and I couldn't believe it.
Turns out she checked my old messages on facebook where I was talking to a friend of mine. It happened on the next day after I met her, I was probably drunk and bored. I wrote something along the lines of 'yeah so I'm about to start dating this lonely mother and you will definitely tell me that she's ugly and short and some'. Another message contained her picture and 'not exactly your beauty queen'. Then something about her being a good fun for the upcoming winter.
She was ruined. I ran around town for a good hour before I found her. Lots of crying, she also told me she's moving out. Consider this - after I wrote that goddamn message I haven't said anything negative about her and once we actually got close I developed deep feelings for her. So technically I haven't done wrong since we actually started dating.
Having said this, I understand that it was a scumbag thing to say. I can't pass it off as a joke or as 'guy talk' no matter how hard I try. What she tells me is something I understand - she says she's afraid she won't be able to look at me the same way she's done before. Because words 'ugly' and 'short', even though I implied it as my friends' reply, are not easy to get out of your head. She said she's never felt this violated and used before.
So. Erase your message history. Or never say anything mean about people you care for behind their back. Karma is real.
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the only way for this to get back 2 normal is for u to do the exact opposite to her. the EXACT opposite. u need to hack her facebook, take a pic of urself, send it to one of her friends, and say "not exactly a beauty king." then u should run around town crying while she tries 2 find you. only solution imo.
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Mmmm, I will take your advice. You're in a tough spot man, sounds like you may have to do something drastic to show you still truly care for her. Good luck with it.
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"Erase your message history". Care to tell me why? How about dating someone who actually knows what "trust" means and doesn't dig around in your personal messages / saved IM convos / etc.
Jesus.
Well, not being a douche when talking behind the back of people who are somewhat relevant to you helps too.
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I like how she read your private messages and says she is the one who feels violated.
But anyway that's what you get for using Facebook in the first place.
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On January 08 2011 11:10 news wrote:
Or never say anything mean about people you care for behind their back.
Is this really something you have to learn?
Sucks that this one thing seems to ruin your relationship.
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On January 08 2011 11:22 awol wrote:
Mmmm, I will take your advice. You're in a tough spot man, sounds like you may have to do something drastic to show you still truly care for her. Good luck with it.
I said a lot today, things I would never say otherwise. Told her I love her. I never said that to anyone. Fuck, it felt so insignificant. At least she's staying for now.
On January 08 2011 11:24 Naib wrote:
"Erase your message history". Care to tell me why? How about dating someone who actually knows what "trust" means and doesn't dig around in your personal messages / saved IM convos / etc.
Jesus.
Well, not being a douche when talking behind the back of people who are somewhat relevant to you helps too.
On January 08 2011 11:24 McDonalds wrote:
I like how she read your private messages and says she is the one who feels violated.
But anyway that's what you get for using Facebook in the first place.
You know, I would be the first person to come up with this exact sentiment, but when someone looks at you with tears in her eyes asking how could you say such a horrible thing - you don't really answer with 'why did you violate my privacy'. Because next thing you will see is someone that loves you more than anything walking out of the door.
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First, why would you do that in the first place? drunk or not you're sounding like an arse.
Second, If you split. + Show Spoiler +She checked your old facebook messages. Be glad you're rid of her.
If You're still together + Show Spoiler +She seems nice, hold on to her <3
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On January 08 2011 11:46 goldfishs wrote:First, why would you do that in the first place? drunk or not you're sounding like an arse. Second, If you split. + Show Spoiler +She checked your old facebook messages. Be glad you're rid of her. If You're still together + Show Spoiler +She seems nice, hold on to her <3
lol it's like one of those "Choose Your Own Adventure" things.
@OP, you're in a damned rough spot dude. I really don't know what you can do at this point. Maybe you can hope that time will heal the wounds, but it's gonna be very tough.
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True lesson learned: Don't use crappy facebook. Problem solved!
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She checks your private messages and you talk shit about her behind her back. Sounds like a split would be mutually beneficial. Win-win really.
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On January 08 2011 12:03 Krigwin wrote:
True lesson learned: Don't use crappy facebook. Problem solved!
I second this tip.
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Man you deserved to be walked out on after saying those things and humiliating her with a picture.
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You deserved it.
On a side note I would dump anyone who went through my old facebook messages/emails.
Oh, and passwords are there for a reason. Idc how close someone is to me, I don't want them reading my emails.
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If she didn't open herself up to me for the first time in her life and if she wasn't the first person I've lived with for over a month it would help. You know what my problem is? She is not a beauty queen. But I care for her more than I care for anyone at the moment. I did deserve every bit of it for even trying to get intimate with someone I didn't completely adore. I've had sex with nice women before, I've never felt sorry for parting with them. But once someone starts to treat you like her dearest human being you start to change. I'm sure this isn't 'love' from my side, I can see her flaws. But I'm not sure if I'd be able to fall in love to this extent with whoever else. Up until now I didn't even think I'd worry this much.
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your relationship is pretty much fucked sorry to say. Unless she can "get over it" and you two talk about it and i'd also be talking to her about iunno reading facebook messages behind my back. My fiancee did the same thing during the earlier parts of our relationship. She even tried to break into my room one night when i wasn't returning her calls during a fight. Let her know that even though you love her, its kind of a "this is what you get" sort of deal. If she didn't go through your messages she wouldn't find any of this.
Also:
Don't use facebook lol.
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Don't write your thoughts down, sooner or later she will find out. Also, insulting with a picture just makes it a lot worse.
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oh the woes of the bourgeoisie youth...
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On January 08 2011 12:44 Redunzl wrote:
oh the woes of the bourgeoisie youth...
Haha, this was funny. I'm not even middle class, I'm the rock bottom. The kind of a villain that wears flip-flops in the rain.
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you are actually in a better place than you may think... well with yourself not really with her. You say that you can see her flaws and that is GREAT! If you didnt see them you would just be putting her up to fail. A person can only really love someone if they see their flaws and accept them as they are. I dont see how this really helps you because i dont think she wants to hear that you say that "I accept you for who you are... even if you are not pretty. and so on". But what i would say is that you need to just throw everything out on the table, trust is huge and you have violated it.
Oh and ask for a second chance... once you have told her absolutely everything.
If you are not willing for that then i would say this relationship isnt for you.
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Dude, you were kind of mean =/
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If she didn't trust you it wasn't gonna last anyways. Sounds like you were settling for her from the beginning, you're probably better off.
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not karma. just plain stupidity imo.
why would you do something like that???
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Seems like a lot of guys are having problems with their girlfriends snooping around their facebook (and getting into deep shit). I just finished reading a story on reddit that was really similar to this. xD
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Three months isn't all that long. Just because of her violating your trust I would honestly feel more offended than worried. I would simply not put up with that. You don't just snoop around in people's shit.
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sorry for you.
but havent you watching romantic movies ? god in every one there is some lesson to learn.
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fucking facebook, my girl was pretty jealous asking me "Why the hell did I have pretty girls added to to your account?" My only defense was like "Hey babe, I'm pretty good looking that's why those girls added me" and then made the troll face. 
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Korea (South)1897 Posts
love never fails,
if you love her,
make it work
even it sucks and one day she will get over it and forgive you and it will be like it never happened.
if she can't get over it and forget it, after the best you try over the next few months (after all you've been going out for 3 months), then you've done your best, we are all only human, and just let it go.
women are women, they get insecure much more than men, and they tend it disregard privacy for peace of mind and when this happens, well, again, if you love her, you can make it work.
you get married and try to have some privacy then, lol
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On January 08 2011 14:47 mucker wrote:
If she didn't trust you it wasn't gonna last anyways. Sounds like you were settling for her from the beginning, you're probably better off.
Ultimately I think this is a great long-term advice, somehow I am too concerned with what she thinks though. I don't want her to come out of this relationship feeling like it was a complete waste. She is the type of person to constantly think about the things I said and will probably lose the remains of her self-confidence. She didn't date for a long time because she had some horrible experience with previous guys and was about to actually give up trying for the time being. I just can't leave it the way it is now, especially since I was the one that caused the trouble. If it wasn't my fault I wouldn't be inclined to fix it to this extent.
On January 08 2011 22:54 MightyAtom wrote:
love never fails,
if you love her,
make it work
even it sucks and one day she will get over it and forgive you and it will be like it never happened.
if she can't get over it and forget it, after the best you try over the next few months (after all you've been going out for 3 months), then you've done your best, we are all only human, and just let it go.
women are women, they get insecure much more than men, and they tend it disregard privacy for peace of mind and when this happens, well, again, if you love her, you can make it work.
you get married and try to have some privacy then, lol
I think she should be able to get over it because I know that she loves me. I agree with your view on women disregarding privacy for a peace of mind, you are obviously mature and speak from experience.
Something you've said before doesn't quite go along with this post. I remember one of your stories where you ended up feeling good about breaking up with some woman you loved, because after some years passed you realized she was not the one. So thoughts like this are always in the back of my head, I don't want to make a huge mistake just because I am trying to do something 'right'.
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EPT
