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I Sometimes Wonder
[This is not a fun blog. Read it only if you enjoy reading text moaning.]
I sometimes wonder if I were completely alone if I would be happier. If I could somehow totally cut myself off—or at least cut myself off as much as possible—from people, would I be able to stop feeling so anxious and sad.
If you are hungry, the feeling can dissipate with time or distractions. The mind will start to only remind you that you are hungry once in awhile. If there is the smell of a good meal, however, that hunger is impossible to ignore. Recall the frustration of a meal someone else was eating which smelled so good, but you could have none of. I wonder if the same logic can be applied to loneliness.
The culture I live within tends to be a very 'give up' culture, and it's probable that I have been affected by it. Sometimes you will see people with a learning disability who give up entirely and stop trying. You see a person who does not attain immediately positive responses drop an artistic skill before they've had a chance to develop it. I try my best to fight against that temptation. I want to fulfill the ideal of 'persevering in difficult times.' Like that soccer song "Walk on through the rain," except I really like the rain so the metaphor has to understood through a fictional narrator who doesn't.
But it grates. I've spent my whole life living for tomorrow. The cliche 'live in the moment' doesn't work. The moments are miserable. Every last one of them. And suddenly I see things are getting worse. That tomorrow is a darker day than today. That I've already peaked and happiness will only become scarcer and scarcer.
In elementary school they told me high school would be better. In high school they told me university would be the best time of my life. This is the best time of my life? That's pretty sad. I know one is only rewarded with what one puts into life, but I think that like Diablo II the returns are diminishing. And the spell sucked to begin with. So hear I am, casting Telekinesis 500 times when I suddenly realise I'm not having fun killing monsters. I'm not having fun trying to cultivate friendships.
If you wanna learn about the intricacies of Pope's bowel movements, take a Specialization in English as your major. I don't know how that knowledge is going to be useful to me when applying for jobs, but I'm guessing most people don't know what English at a university level really is. I'm guessing that when I apply for jobs they'll think 'well, he can write essays, so he can probably summarise shitty government documents as well.' That's the kind of job I'm destined for. I will get to spend my days summarising the intricate details of some government official's bowel movements, and then come home to reflect on what a worthless human being I've become.
For some reason I'd thought I'd like English. I thought it would be the most applicable thing to a person with writing aspirations to go to. If nothing else it'd force me to read a lot. I even paid 65 dollars or something to switch my degree (from worthless Social Sciences, to worthless English). I sometimes think it would have been nice to have Asian parents to force me to do math and science, but I suppose the grass is always greener. There were gimmicky English courses which I really liked when I took them as electives as a Social Science major, but the real English courses, the mandatory ones, are a load of horse shit. A load of horse shit which costs 6000 dollars a year. Don't get the impression I've read much just because I've taken an English degree. With my professors each expecting me to read a book a week, I tend to be forced to use summaries.
So in April or so, I thought to myself, 'damn.' 'If I don't do something fast, I'm gonna end up alone in an apartment working a shitty job and cursing my existence.' It's a future that's hard not to envision. So I thought, okay, I've had my idea for my book for like two years, it's reasonably fleshed out... This is one of the last chances I'm gonna really have to get this thing done. If I don't get it done this year, it'll probably never happen.
This is becoming my tedious life story. I apologise. I wrote my book and finished early August, I didn't really feel too relieved, and only 2 out of 15 people who begged me for a manuscript bothered to read the damn thing after all these months. Needless to say I feel pretty shitty about that. Before I'd finished my book I'd been thinking 'what if I die before I finish my book? What if I die before I've written anything significant. I have to do this before that happens.' I'd been thinking about my book more or less daily for the last two years. Want to know something sad? The person I dedicated it to didn't bother to read it either. That person would rather spend dozens of hours watching shitty television shows, apparently, despite nagging me to get a copy of the manuscript. Do people think that's flattering? Especially when I am reluctant to give it to them in the first place? And I ask them not to take it if they aren't going to read it? I'm rambling. Regardless, the two people who read my book were my brother, and my grandma. My brother wasn't working and has been doing nothing for the last half a year (well, from August), and my grandma is retired and had just had some surgery which required her to do nothing for awhile. They said it was good, but then what else would they say to me? "Oh, it's good, but it's not good enough to take priority over literally anything else" is what I take from the 2/15 statistic.
It's depressing, you know. I really want to write something valuable. My first book, of course I didn't expect it to be the greatest thing ever, but this kind of response... 'it's not even worth reading' is an ego crusher when I've been developing my skill with short stories for the last few years.
I've gotten really off track. What was it Hot_Bid said in another thread? I normally am not the guy's biggest fan, but "The strength and weakness of being single is that nobody cares what you do" was pretty accurate. My conundrum is that trying to get someone to care what I do is a painful process, and one that I consistently fail to achieve. That's what I was getting at with the give up musing. It's likely I have a number of psychological disorders, and I desperately work to fight inclinations in myself that are clearly not normal, but it seems so fruitless. I wonder if I just stopped trying to get people to care, if I'd feel better that no one did. I could continue to focus on my writing. Who cares if I can't write about mutual love? (I tried in my book, lol). There are other things to write about.
"Dun dun dun" you say, "it's a girl blog!" No, fuck you. I just want someone to give a damn about what I'm doing, we don't have to have sex. Hell, these days you can have sex without caring about what the other person is doing. I'm under the impression that's fairly common. I know that if I wanted to, I could have meaningless relationships too. Ask enough people and one of them is bound to say yes. I would be a psychopath if I could do that. Not to imply people who do are psychopaths, but I would, because I do not like it. I would be faking enthusiasm 100% of the time. It would be completely a game to see if I am right. The person I found would not matter.
You probably didn't notice, but I've tried a few times to totally murder my internet personality. I have a kind of fascination with suicide. Don't worry, I'm far too afraid to die, no matter how tired I am of living. That's a sentiment I borrowed from They Shoot Horses, Don't They? One of my favourite light novels simply because Gloria's character seems to resonate so realistically with me, at least with respect to suicide. What was I saying? Right. I tried to totally murder my internet identity. Partly because I've written a million embarrassing things on TL that I didn't want catching up with me if I were to ever become a successful writer (which makes it a totally invalid way of promoting myself), but also just because I am constantly desiring to severe all links. To get away from people as much as possible. I'm sorry to people who know me and have to deal with this, but I have a dramatic personality and sometimes it manifests itself into action. Something that scared me, a little, was that I've been to the Ottawa LAN, so the people from there, although they don't know my last name, are most able to connect my internet identity with my real one.
Then after some months I watch an amazing StarCraft game and feel inspired to write about it. Obviously the only place that wants to read such things is TL. Little by little my internet identity is resurrected until it's almost as if it never died. That's sounds like an exaggeration, and it is, but I had to apologise to some people who at least feigned concern. Of course, those links are forever damaged regardless.
Now I'm writing a comedy novella because I thought I needed to think of funny things in order to become more positive about life. It's funny, but I'm not more positive about life. "You've got your whole life ahead of you" people say, as if it wouldn't terrify me.
If you read this whole thing, I don't know what is wrong with you, but I appreciate it.
 
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what the hell is wrong with me.
Post your book i will read it and give it to you straight.
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On December 07 2010 13:58 Coagulation wrote:
what the hell is wrong with me.
well...you're a terrorist to begin with...
that sure was an...interesting read.
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I didn't expect to read such a depressing blog from Chef, assuming it's not satire. It's hard to tell with you sometimes. Good comedy is just as respectable as good drama. I think both are often born of pain. I haven't read any of your dramatic writing (sounds like your book was) but your comedic writing is very good. I share some of your thoughts about loneliness and meaninglessness, but that's empty consolation I know. If nothing else, you can always fall back on the profession of analyzing peoples handwriting. Don't give up on yourself. Hopefully I haven't been baited into a joke here, but those are my thoughts anyway.
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Apparently I enjoy reading text moaning D;
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Read the entire thing... Interesting read, that and it reminds me sometimes of things I ask myself... Like WTF am I doing in life? I wake up go to school do w/e. I look forward to tommorrow to realize, it's just the same as today... Holidays coming up? Does every year, what am I going to do? Play video games probably. Why? I'll just get frustrated and quit again just to come back. Sometimes I just get the feeling there's absolutely nothing in life to look forward to...
And sometimes I don't...
Also btw having your parents force you to do lots math ain't fun. =.=
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Here's the advice that you probably don't want to hear: the whole blog is essentially a complaint about how you aren't good enough. Are you going to dominate your shit, or is your shit going to dominate you?
Quit making excuses and give your life some purpose. Being depressed is the "intellectual" way to give up. Don't waste time doing it.
Being an artist takes time, and your friends don't care because most people don't care about literature. You expect your friends to give a shit, but reading a book takes a lot of time, and yours probably isn't as good as one they would be hypothetically rather reading (that is, if they read at all).
If you want to ever be good, tuck away thoughts like this blog and figure out how to get better.
Not what you want to hear, and probably sounds like a flame, but most people don't give that much of a shit about anything, don't let that contaminate your thoughts though.
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I read it all, and if you give me a manuscript of your book- I'll read all of that as well.
Sigh, life is so depressing at times. I think this is mostly unrelated, but I'm usually somewhat surprised at how attached to TL some people are, then I think about how attached to TL I am- don't know what I would do without this community at times :/
... what the hell is wrong with all of us?
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Highly second A3iL3r0n. Isolating yourself to assuage your pain seems more like cowardice than persevering through hard times, which is what you claim to live by. I don't know you personally so I can't say anything specific but just keep doing what you love 100%, and if you ever feel what you're doing is not living up to that then dear God please stop doing it. How can you ever have regrets if you follow that?
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I think part of the problem is writing for other people. You need to write for yourself because why should anyone else care if you yourself don't? You should consider who you're writing it for, specifically. I doubt your acquaintances in real life enjoy reading, just like you wouldn't expect them to play starcraft. It's like writing a blues record and then expecting someone who listens to lil wayne to enjoy it, or going to a chinese restaurant and expecting the hamburger and fries you ordered to be amazingly good.
Keep writing and putting it out there and people will read it, eventually. I'm sure with your fancy shmancy english degree you can think of plenty of examples of people whose work didn't become popular until after they were dead.
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I read the whole thing, and I can empathize with all of your feelings (except the being an English major. I do hate, English classes, though [which is why I didn't become an English major]). Like A3iL3r0n said, thinking about things doesn't give you a plan of action, nor does it help improve things. Luckily for me, I am buried in too much work to have much time to think about how much university life sucks.
About your book, you should wait for like six months then read it yourself, if you haven't already done so. Maybe that will give you insight as to why other people didn't read it, and how to improve. At the very least, that is always what helped me get better at writing.
Also, you can't ever trust acquaintances to judge your writing. If they knew anything about good writing and weren't afraid to hurt your feelings, they would already be REAL book editors.
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Depressing read, but good nonetheless.
I wish you the best, and I will always remember you because of your guide on the stove.
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On December 07 2010 13:52 Chef wrote:
Before I'd finished my book I'd been thinking 'what if I die before I finish my book?
For some reason, there's something wonderful in how you can write, "my book." That's more than what a large majority of the population can claim. I think I'm the worst type of English major because I haven't even attempted to do that--it's a bit frightening to write a little bit of yourself into a few ten-thousand words, and then proceed to place yourself at the whims of other people's criticism or indifference. I'd genuinely like to read your manuscript, although given the state of university-level English, the book-a-week system is kicking my butt as well D:
I enjoyed reading this.
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This thread needs some brutal honesty.
Life's a bitch and then you die. Want your life to be better? Only you can change that.
Honestly it sounds like you need to get out more. Find some hobbies that allow you to interact with people. A couple suggestions:
martial arts (if you want to meet doodz)
ballroom dance (if you want to meet gurlz)
WH40K/DnD (if you want to meet nerdz)
skiing/snowboarding/skateboarding/mountain biking
Are you fat? Start running.
Are you skinny? Work out.
Most importantly you need a job that will make you a decent amount of money, because the only thing worse than being lonely is being lonely and poor. Having money opens up 10 million opportunities for you so I cannot stress this enough. I know you majored in worthless English, but there's got to be something you can do with that. If you are smart enough I would suggest trying law school. If nobody read your book, it's probably because it sucked. In any artistic profession there are 99 failures for every 1 success, and based on what you're telling me I'm guessing you are one of the 99. So unless you're *sure* that you have a future as a writer, I would suggest examining your other options very carefully.
Final note: Most people don't give a fuck about you or anybody else. I have a ton of friends and there's very few of them that give 2 shits about me. Humans are animals, animals are driven by evolutionary instinct. Therefore everyone is looking out for number 1 all the time. If you want to have fulfilling social relationships, you need to be internally happy (find your purpose) and then other people's opinions don't matter any more. If you are looking for some kind of real connection with other people, forget it. I've been trying for years and it just ain't gonna happen. If you are lucky you will be able to find ONE girl who will be there for you when you really need it. But you won't be prepared for her if you aren't internally supported already.
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Perhaps you should get the rest of the world to go to the psychiatrist, so you can get better.
To be serious, the only person who can make you feel in any way is yourself. You are in complete control of your thoughts, feelings, and actions. In other words, you are in complete control of your attitude.
Now if you want money, it makes absolutely no difference what your job is. The most crucial thing is to see a financial planner who really understands money. They have specialized knowledge in the area of money, and can put your money to work for you. This will allow you to make some extra money without an increase in physical labor, you just need to change some habits.
Also, mix with people who you would want your kids to be like, or to be like someday. Don't hang out with people who hang around in the bars, etc.. And if your family does this don't go as often and don't stay as long.
You can also listen to motivational speakers like Les Brown, Bob Proctor, John Assaraf, Tony Robbins, etc...
But the most important thing is to realize YOU are responsible for how you feel and that you can change how you feel by changing your internal representations of life, get a goal to really go after, and hang out with people who are on the paths of success.
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I'd like to throw a oneliner in here to make you feel better, but no such luck. Truth is that lots of people feel depressed when they stop to think about their life and the meaning of it all. For what it's worth, I enjoyed reading this blog and I can identify with a lot of your troubles. Being able to word your thoughts like this is a great skill, and it helps people to care about what you do. People are self-absorbed, but they'll definitely be supportive when you explain what matters to you, just like people here support you even though we don't really "know" you.
Thing is that people aren't psychic. Parents and siblings, despite the close ties, can't read your mind. The TL.netizens care because you expressed your feelings and thoughts on real life stuff and I bet your family will care too if you can tell them straight up that the book you wrote is important to you. Vulnerability is a bitch!
PS. Can't you upload your book somewhere and throw a download link in your blog? Team Liquid is full of people wanting to voice their opinion 
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Post it here, I'd give it a shot. You will get more readers this way for sure.
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Korea (South)17174 Posts
the moment u stop desiring recognition is the moment you begin to have a chance of getting it
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I read all your blogs, you're an interesting poster. Post your book
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Woah, 2 of 15?
Shame it wasn't well received. :/
I know that feeling.
+ Show Spoiler +It's done as donetown,
Sorry for disappearing,
<this line is explained>
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nice blog, you are really good at writing.
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Great post! I would buy your book.
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Nice read.
And just one thing: do NOT cut yourself from everyone else without being prepared to deal with the consequences. You would rapidly realize that you are not trully alone in the begining, it come after years of not speaking/seing anyone; then after that you are like a ghost, people don't see you anymore and you won't see them either.
What i mean is it is perfectly fine to spend some time alone, but being truly alone can be tough (especially in the long run).
Oh, and the people who took your book to not read it should show some respect. When someone put countless hours into writing a book, either you take and read it or you don't; their behavior is an insult to you and the efforts you did.
Good luck.
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On December 07 2010 14:18 A3iL3r0n wrote:
Here's the advice that you probably don't want to hear: the whole blog is essentially a complaint about how you aren't good enough. Are you going to dominate your shit, or is your shit going to dominate you?
Quit making excuses and give your life some purpose. Being depressed is the "intellectual" way to give up. Don't waste time doing it.
Being an artist takes time, and your friends don't care because most people don't care about literature. You expect your friends to give a shit, but reading a book takes a lot of time, and yours probably isn't as good as one they would be hypothetically rather reading (that is, if they read at all).
If you want to ever be good, tuck away thoughts like this blog and figure out how to get better.
Not what you want to hear, and probably sounds like a flame, but most people don't give that much of a shit about anything, don't let that contaminate your thoughts though.
yea,
the question is out of those 15 people, how many read a lot of books?
I have a lot of books that are supposed to be amazing but I still find it hard to motivate myself to read them.
I do still plan on reading them but being glued to the PC, dealing with university and other things usually prevents me from doing so. I've wanted to finish game of thrones for example for like 6 months now lol.
So try not to take it personal. If I was your friend I mightve reacted the same, being like "oh fuck yeah give me that thing" and then being too lazy to read it, no matter how good.
Your book might still be great, it might suck, who knows.
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On December 07 2010 16:09 Rekrul wrote:
the moment u stop desiring recognition is the moment you begin to have a chance of getting it
You know I agree with you. A person who is needy and puts pressure on people to pay attention to him or her is very often unattractive and creepy. I keep my thoughts on the inside with real-life relationships, although who is to say it doesn't seep out unconsciously. However, sometimes it's that necessary dishonesty that makes me feel like I am wasting my time. If I genuinely stopped caring I would be a different person.
I think I read a post of yours once that had an unusually apt metaphor: Life is like a powerful river and you're on a boat in it. You can steer a little, but ultimately the river controls most of your destiny.
I feel like that's pretty true.
Thanks to other people who have left comments as well. Like I said, however, I have serious ambitions to become an author and I haven't given up. Thus I don't want my internet identity where I've said tonnes of horrible things to come bite me in the butt as a gold mine of dirt making success impossible.
7mk, you are probably correct. Everyone reads the first chapter or so and tells me 'It really makes me want to read more!" but then doesn't. It's hard to tell if it's just totally ingenuous, or if it's a serious comment. My brother told me people probably think it's really personal and that they're afraid to start making connections between the book and myself. My mother uses the word 'personal' to describe it too, even though she consistently expressing commitment to reading it. I wonder how self-centred a person can be to not realise that it's far more personal for me to give them my writing than for them to read it haha. It is kind of torture when I tell someone 'don't take this until you can read it within a week (or a month if they are a slow reader)' and then I am basically left bare for several months with my manuscript floating around their houses. It makes me want to just demand them back before they lose them and cause headaches for me, but how much of a control freak would I look like then?
beep boop boop
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GET LAID that would solve your poblem of feeling so down but the rest its up to you to enjoy every little win you have in life and to set yourself a reachable goal.
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I often find myself wondering the same things as you.I am one of those kids whose Asian parents told me to focus on school, and now I find myself in college, taking all these classes without ever having really thought about what I wanted to do with my life at all. I have experienced some of the most depressing times of my life in these past two years. I used to always think that I was alone in feeling like this and that is was unusual, but the more people I talk to, the more I find that I'm not alone in feeling like life can feel hopeless, it's just that people never talk about it openly often it seems.
I don't really have any advice or anything since I'm feeling really at a loss of what to do with my own life, and have a hard time expressing myself, especially through typing. I just want to say that I really resonate with your whole blog and let you know that you're not alone in your struggles with life.
And I don't know if you remember, but a long time ago you said you'd send me a copy of your first book. I haven't forgotten that, and I fully expect a copy one of these days.  Heck, send me the manuscript if you'd like and I'll read it after my finals are over. I'm not a good writer by far and haven't read a whole lot, so I don't think I can give you a lot of valuable input, but I can read it carefully and give you my honest impression of it.
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EPT
