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New and improved Raspberry surprise (short story)

Blogs > lesser_good
Post a Reply
lesser_good
Profile Blog Joined July 2006
Canada698 Posts
November 11 2007 17:56 GMT
#1
This is a story i wrote for my creative writing class. It was based on my last blog entry The Ice Scream man. I feel that this one is better.
This story has quite a few morals such as
don't skip school
don't go in other peoples houses
don't eat candy a stranger gave you
and so on....

Raspberry Surprise

Twas only 2 and all the children were already looking forward to eating Old man Gripe's Raspberry Delight. Children would come from all over town to the small neighborhood just for that. Old man Gripe lived in a old house at the end of willow lane road and was seldomly visited. He was almost never seen out side and strange noises were often heard coming out of his basement, especialy in the month of October.
The previous years she had not managed to obtain some of old man Gripes mystical treats for by the time she gotten there he had been out. This year would be different. After minutes of stealthly doging teachers and fellow students. Patricia Smith 8 years old emerged from the side door of saw mill elementary school. Hoping that no one had seen her ( for if this was the case she would be in great trouble) Patricia made her way to willow lane.
It was the first time Patricia skipped school, usualy she was the nice quiet student who sat in back of the class, never disrupting and rarely speaking. She only had one friend for all the other children thought she was scary. She was the only orphan in the whole school. Her parents had died a few years ago. Patricia was afraid that she would not be brave enough to skip school that cold october day. Obiously she suceeded. She could still remember the thrill and the rush of adrenalin as she ran the last few meters leading to the old dirty door.
Seeing as her school was still in progress and would be for another hour. Patricia would be able to get all the Raspberry Delight she wanted. It was simple realy. She would go to Old man gripes house and ask for some of his candy. They would then settle on to his porch where he would tell her stories about how he used to teach and about how the world was when he was young. At 3 she would begin walking home where the unknowing Mary would greet her in with a yell. Patricia was sure Mary hated her for she always yelled at her.She sighed... As the was drawing nearer to old man gripes house Patricia recalled a rather rainy day when her math teacher MR.Parker had told them all that a long time ago Old man Gripe had been a teacher at saw mill elementary. For some reason or another he had been fired after a strange incident involving a young boy. Patricia wished that this was not the case. She often thought about how cool it would be if old man Gripe still worked at the school. Perhaps he would have given them all some Raspberry Delight on the days they all behaved. Oh well she thought saddly. She could now see Old man Gripes house. A sudden chill went down her spine and a great feeling of dread filled her mind. Patricia was about to turn around and run when she thought again about why she was here. Her smile returned almost instantly. Her fears blowing away through the leaf less trees never to be seen again except when it was to late.

A few minutes after the phone call Mary set off for saw mill elementary school. Acording to Mr.Tranglethorn, Patricia was missing and no one had seen her leave the school. Mary was Patricias adoptive mom. Patricia and her had been together for over 3 years now. Although Mary did not show or tell Patricia about this. She loved her as much as a mother should love her daughter.
Patricia's real parents had died a few years ago in a accident involving a snow blower. Patricia often woke up in a cold sweat after dreaming about that fateful day when her mother decided to not wear her seet belt. She remembered how her mother was carelesly ejected through the windsheild and how she had landed into the blades of the snow blower. Even though she was only 4 at the time. Patricia could vividly remember how the snow blowers blades had at first eaten into her mothers kind face and then had ripped the rest of her body up, ejecting the unspeakable gore onto the side walk. Her father unscatherd from the car accident... well physicaly that is. Commited suicide a few days later using the shot gun his father had given him. After looking all over the house for him. She had finaly found him in the garage wearing only a old pair of jeans and sitting on a highly varnished wooden chair. In his hands he held the gun. Noticing the rather blank look in his eyes, Patricia had asked him if they could go visit her mothers grave. With a smile her father had then told her that he was going to see her but she was to stay here. His last words thees were for as he was speaking he had carfully placed the barel of the gun under his chin and his big toe on the triger.
After a year of therapy Patricia had left Tremglif institution with Mary.
After a short ride Mary emerged from her still running car and ran into the school. Mr. Tranglethorn was waiting for her at the door; he was not alone. Suzy Tracker, Patricias only friend was with him. Both seemed releaved. "It's okay Mary" exclamed Mr.Tranglethorn as she pushed through the door. "We know where she went". "Suzy here has told me that a few days ago Patricia told her that she was going to skip school in order to get some of Old man Gripes candy. Shes probably there right now".

Without a fear Patricia walked up Old man Gripes rickity steps leading onto his patio and knocked at the door. After what seemed like an eternity. The door opened.
"Why hello Patricia, what a pleasent surprise" weezed old man Gripe.
"Good day mr Gripe" answerd Patricia nervously.
"Well young girl what can i do for you"
"well" said Patricia looking rather shy "i was wondering if you could give me some of your raspberry delight. Please please pretty please"
"Oh im very sorry Patricia" answered Old Man Gripe "I have none left"
"Already!" yelled Patricia tears running down her eyes "this is so unfair"
"now now now ill tell you what. How about you come in and you help me make some" said old man gripe with a sickly grin
"realy" exclamed Patricia happely " you realy mean it"
"i sure do, common in"
As soon as Patricia walked in, old man gripe pushed by her and locked the door. After observing the look of alarm that had apeard on her face. He then told her that he always did that so no one could sneek in and steel the recipy. This seemed like a highly plausable reason for Patricias 8 year old mind.
Old man Gripe's house smelled greatly of mold and looked like it hadent been washed for many years. The walls were decorated with a nasty mustard yellow tinsel that was peeling away almost every where. On the floor stood a very dirty blood red carpet.
"follow me Patricia" said old man gripe as he made his way to the other end of the hall where their stood a old door leading into the basement. As soon as Old Man Gripe opend the door a rush of air smelling greatly like moldy balony blew into the hall.
"whats that smell" asked Patricia gaging
"oh thats just my secret ingredient getting a little old" answerd Old man gripe as he flicked the switch that opend the light "but thats okay seeing as i shall shortly have some more".
"now follow me and close the door behind you".
Ignoring the smell Patricia closed the door and decended the stairs leeding into Old man gripes basement. Old man Gripes basement was a strange place indeed. Under the stairs stood a great heep of childrens clothing and shoes. There must have been enough clothing to dress about 200 children thought Patricia with a grin. on the far left stood a great rusty wood chiper. this was where the smell was coming from. As Patricia was examining the room Old man gripe placed a old dirty bucket under the hole where the wood came out of the wood chiper. He was wistling. Old Man Gripe looked up.
"patricia hunny can you go get my sledge hammer over there by the wall" asked Old Man Gripe nicely.
Patricia didnt know how she had managed to miss the great big hammer it practicly ruled the room. Eager to help she ran off to get it. The sledge hammer was very heavy and smelled like the wood chiper. Patricia noticed with great delight that the metal part of the hammer was decorated with hair and dark crimson paint. Smilling she handed it to Old Man Gripe.
"good job" exclamed Old Man Gripe as he took the sledge hammer from patrica.
"now you have to listin carefully" cried Old Man Gripe laughing "I want you to close your eyes and count to ten. thats what makes the magic happen"
Happy to help patricia closed her eyes for the last time and counted to 10 for the last time.
1... Old man Gripe grined 2... 3...4... smilling he lifted the hammer over his head 5.... 6.... 7... 8... 9... 10!
Patricia heard rather then felt the hammer as it made contact with her left sholder instantly breaking it 4 times. blood squrted out of the wound as she fell on to the dirty floor with a look of surprise on her young face.
"sorry" exclamed Old Man Gripe with a smile "I Missed"
and with that he finnished the job. After Striping her of her clothing (which he placed amongst his collection) he turned on the wood chiper and disposed of her body.
Another batch of Raspberry surprise he thought happely

"Why hello mrs mercury how may i help you" said Old Man Gripe as he answerd the door holding up a plate of Raspberry surprise
"I was told Patricia was here. Is that so" asked Mary hopefully
"im afraid you just missed her, she just left. she seemed deadly tired im afraid" said Old Man Gripe with a smile "we spent all afternoon cooking"
"ah the renknown Raspberry surprise" said Mary happely
"would you like some" asked Old Man Gripe holding up the plate to her
"sure" answerd Mary happely as she took one
she placed it into her mouth
"mmmm this is delicious" laughed Mary delighted "im happy Patricia helped you make thees"




The end


scuse the typos and stuff






*
pew pew
dronebabo
Profile Blog Joined December 2003
10866 Posts
November 11 2007 18:24 GMT
#2
--- Nuked ---
vGl-CoW
Profile Blog Joined December 2002
Belgium8305 Posts
November 11 2007 18:30 GMT
#3
mmmm this is delicious
Moderatorfollow me on twitter if u think ur so tough @BooyaCow
Storchen
Profile Joined September 2006
Sweden4385 Posts
November 11 2007 18:36 GMT
#4
did she die in the end?
XCetron
Profile Joined November 2006
5226 Posts
November 11 2007 19:11 GMT
#5
great read
Snet *
Profile Blog Joined September 2006
United States3573 Posts
November 11 2007 19:51 GMT
#6
sweet story
dronebabo
Profile Blog Joined December 2003
10866 Posts
Last Edited: 2007-11-11 20:17:44
November 11 2007 20:14 GMT
#7
--- Nuked ---
jimminy_kriket
Profile Blog Joined February 2007
Canada5539 Posts
November 11 2007 20:22 GMT
#8
Don't turn this into what happened at SA. Next he's going to be asking what type of bullets are good for killing people then we will see him on the news after shooting his school and writing "teamliquid.net" on all the walls in blood. T_T
life of lively to live to life of full life thx to shield battery
SuperJongMan
Profile Blog Joined March 2003
Jamaica11586 Posts
Last Edited: 2007-11-11 20:44:07
November 11 2007 20:38 GMT
#9
Uh...

He wrote a story about children's candy.
It's almost halloween, and he obviously had to write a halloween story for creative writing.
Reminded me of goosebumps.


I was hoping the old man was creepy enough to make a move on Mary too. ~_~ Kinky. Cuz I had mental image that Mary is obviously hot.
POWER OVERWHELMING ! ! ! KRUU~ KRUU~
decafchicken
Profile Blog Joined January 2005
United States20168 Posts
November 11 2007 20:45 GMT
#10
the grammer nazi's would have to build a whole new aushwitz for this story (
how reasonable is it to eat off wood instead of your tummy?
vGl-CoW
Profile Blog Joined December 2002
Belgium8305 Posts
November 11 2007 20:47 GMT
#11
On November 12 2007 05:22 jimminy_kriket wrote:
Don't turn this into what happened at SA. Next he's going to be asking what type of bullets are good for killing people then we will see him on the news after shooting his school and writing "teamliquid.net" on all the walls in blood. T_T


a nigga gotta defend his pukkins...
Moderatorfollow me on twitter if u think ur so tough @BooyaCow
lesser_good
Profile Blog Joined July 2006
Canada698 Posts
November 11 2007 20:49 GMT
#12
i got 98 on this story and it was indeed for halloween
pew pew
oneofthem
Profile Blog Joined November 2005
Cayman Islands24199 Posts
November 11 2007 20:54 GMT
#13
what grade is this
We have fed the heart on fantasies, the heart's grown brutal from the fare, more substance in our enmities than in our love
lesser_good
Profile Blog Joined July 2006
Canada698 Posts
November 11 2007 20:58 GMT
#14
secondary 5 which is like grade 11 i think
pew pew
dronebabo
Profile Blog Joined December 2003
10866 Posts
November 11 2007 21:58 GMT
#15
--- Nuked ---
lesser_good
Profile Blog Joined July 2006
Canada698 Posts
November 11 2007 22:02 GMT
#16
On November 12 2007 06:58 dronebabo wrote:
so what was that rough draft you wrote on july 29th for? just your own amusement? (u shouldnt have edited that out fk the haters!)


The Ice Scream man was just for fun
pew pew
ambit!ous1
Profile Joined September 2007
United States3662 Posts
November 12 2007 06:19 GMT
#17
sweet story thanks.
Bisu[Shield] / ♔ SoYeon
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