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Hey TL. I got a little issue on my hands here. I live with a roommate that always feels the need to force a joke everytime we pass each other in the hallway, kitchen, etc.; the jokes are usually not that funny and forced and then he'll just stare at me and wait for me to laugh or respond positively and it's becoming kind of annoying because I'm sick of pretending I like his jokes, sick of giving him attention and value. I'm not a humourless guy but idk, this guy's style is funny at first but it gets old after 6+ months living with him. I feel like he doesn't deserve the positive attention he gets for his crap humour. For example he will be finished with the bathroom and instead of telling me simply, he stands on one leg and says 'you may now you use the bathroom sir' in an opera-like voice. I've just been sitting in my room doing homework... maybe that kind of thing is funny when you're already in a playful mood or drunk, w/e, but I just can't believe how often he's in such a mood; the guy studies more than I do, but he'll just walk right out of his room and snap! he's in the mood to say the randomest shit that goes through his mind.
I don't want to offend him, been friends with him for like 10 years now (although in the past few years his consistent use of this type of humour has started to get more and more on my nerves), and the rent at my place is so awesome that I really don't want to move out. He has the social syndrome that I used to have, that is, just try to say whatever whenever and don't worry about how other people receive it, which makes you confident and comfortable but also somewhat annoying; it forces others to support/endure your crap too. I don't want to seem like a downer, which would probably be his first rebuttal to any criticism I'd push forward to him. I'm all for joking and playing around, but when it's completely out of context and just feels really forced, I can't help but be the party-pooper who says 'that doesn't have its place here'.
He's also the kind of guy to make really nasty comments just to make people react, it's like he wants attention badly sometimes but at other times he's a nice guy with interesting things to say... Like he'll be pretty crude and then scope you for a reaction but how do you react when a guy is just trying to go over the top? Surely everyone has a limit where they say 'dude that's too gross/vulgar/crude, plz be minimally considerate/sensitive, maybe you don't care but most ppl, including me, do'?
Sigh. I guess I should not have moved in with this guy in the first place. At first I just played along, thinking his attitude was a superior one to anyone who poops the party with their limits on what's appropriate, because it's more 'fun-loving' although it's... excessive anyway. But that belief got me dumped by a girl I really liked (I had that attitude when I met her family because I thought 'what can they criticize about a fun-loving free-spiritied guy?'... apparently, that he acts indecent... lol) and probably would have gotten me rejected by a bunch of people had I continued to implement it into my life. I can't make sense of why my roommate has so many friends, since his attitude is so annoying. Well it's not only that it's annoying, it's that he doesn't seem to recognize it as a flaw. He rather carries himself confidently and does not attempt to minimize how often he tries to grab people's souls by the balls, saying 'sensitivity to abusive violence and sexual crudeness is for pussies' even though he knows most people don't like that. Ugh I hate it, I do so much to make myself a better person then I have to live with this guy? Why can't he make an effort to be more likeable? But noooo, that would be admitting that he has a social flaw and would undermine his confidence and confidence is everything right? Not worth sacrificing a little confidence in order to become a better person, is it? Well fuck.
It's so stupid because I don't even think he knows I feel this way. I don't want to make him feel like I'm saying his forced jokes/over-the-top stuff aren't funny and are just annoying, because that would probably make him feel criticized about something that's part of his personality. It's like the new guy at your job who wants to get on a good note with everyone so he makes a lot of jokes, but they're not really good jokes, he's just nervous and that's his reaction. Well my roommate has that same behavior but without the nerves nor the temporary factor.
Do I seem like I'm too uptight here? I really only criticize maybe 1/10 people I meet about this type of behavior. It turns out they're almost only guys, and it seems like a shortcut/cheat to confidence. Easy to be confident when you don't give a shit about how others feel vis-à-vis what you say. But that's also being a little bit of a douchebag, is it not? Is it not fair for me to tell him that? After all, I'm nice to almost everyone I meet and that doesn't mean I'm all insecure and underconfident. There's a balance to be struck... But no, for my roommate... he's actually nice to people he just met. He only pulls out his crude/vulgar/nasty/random side when he's with friends. But agh, I don't like that side of him. And the worst thing is that every time I respond to what he does, I feel like I'm validating that side of him when all I really want to do is tell him to shut the fuck up. So then he feels all validated and confident and then I come home from school and he's sitting there with his girlfriend and I know it's going to be bad because now I have to sit there and take his crap up the ass, saying 'yes I like it' in front of her, in front of other people at other times. The fact that I'm denying my own opinion, my own subjectivity, my own self, in favor of his, just makes me feel low. It makes me unhappy and my self-esteem goes down because the way I'm responding to him sends a message to myself that my values aren't worth the trouble of dealing with this problem. But what would it be to deal with this? Surely, he is not going to change for me. All I could do is to make him as unhappy with the situation as I am, which is worth nothing.
What do you think? Do I really have to move out? Should I try to learn to endure this habit he has?
Anything you can share in relation to this topic can probably be helpful to me, so feel free to comment in any way you want.
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On February 15 2009 04:49 Pseudo_Utopia wrote:
For example he will be finished with the bathroom and instead of telling me simply, he stands on one leg and says 'you may now you use the bathroom sir' in an opera-like voice.
/castration
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If he's your friend... your real, honest FRIEND... then you should definitely try to talk to him about it. If you really don't give a shit about him then still tell him how you feel but let all your anger out about it while you do it.
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Well when you live with people for a long time even very small insignificant things can become annoying. Just be glad it's not something worse.
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tell him his jokes suck, freal
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This makes me happy that me and my room mate rarely feel the need to speak to each other.
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It must be pretty prevalent. I'd generally just say "thanks chief," to his opera shenanigans and move on about my day. Does it really get in your way?
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Your roommate is awesome! lol j/k
IMO, there's pretty much nothing you can do to change the way he is or the way you are (disliking his forced jokes). And you two have to meet like everyday.
If you already had to make 6 long paragraphs just to share about it, it's time to move out.
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Maybe try telling him that someone else told you they find those mannerisms annoying, if you can do this in such a way that doesn't lead to him demanding to know who etc that would obviously be easier to handle.
Also depending on his reaction to it you could perhaps proceed by lightly suggesting that you don't entirely disagree with this person.
If you speak, to him at some point you have to be clear about what exactly is annoying that he does otherwise all your work could be for naught.
Another option and probably a better one is to try and act overtly unhappy or in not the best mood one day and then when he makes an annoying unfunny joke, look at him and say "I'm not really in the mood", this sets up a precedent that you don't always give him approval. Continue this way for several days or up to a week and then return to your self. At this point when he does this kind of thing again, rather than fake laugh, say something unrelated... Complain about schoolwork or something, just keep doing this kind of thing and consciously or unconsciously he will get the idea.
Honestly I don't think talking to him about it in any kind of confrontational way will end well, if you do this he obviously won't change his personality over it because people don't work like that and then it's just awkward when he does that stuff because his actions have implied negative feelings from both sides and it's just a weird situation.
My acting unhappy was just one way to accomplish the goal of setting up a precedent of not being obligated to exhibit a reaction. You may be able to figure out a better way of doing this but I think that should be your goal.
You should be aware that any positive attention in the days or weeks after you try to do this might be construed by him as things going back to normal.. which makes things harder because it basically means you have to distance yourself from him for a bit. Just wait until you have the willpower/are in the mood to give him positive re-enforcement of your friendship but also can stoneface/changethe subject when he makes an attempt to get your approval of that side of his personality again.
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That's a really tough and complicated situation. Sounds like your roommate is pretty immature. If it were me I'd probably try and look for other places to live... who knows you might find something great and cheap. If you're forced to keep living with him... I don't know what to advise, I've always had the luxury of eventually getting away from people like that. Maybe try not to encourage him too much when he begs for your approval, just remain civil and polite but somewhat distant/busy with other stuff. After awhile he may catch the hint and stop bugging you, or else he may ask whats going on, and there's your chance to initiate a dialogue about what's irritating you.
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wow thats a long post. get him a gf or somthing
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United States22883 Posts
Smile, look slightly down and shake your head.
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when he does that bathroom thing just be like thanks and take a shit. oh and try not fake laughing or something maybe he thinks you find him funny (dont know where he would get this impression).
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He most likely does it because of his own insecurities.
Be sympathetic, compassionate, and honest. if you can do those things you're a very good friend.
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On February 15 2009 06:21 Jibba wrote:
Smile, look slightly down and shake your head.
this is good but it will take longer
lol
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I honestly believe that it's more of your problem. You seem very frustrated, maybe you have some problems in your life that you need to solve first to be okay with yourself first.
This is quite common, when people are unhappy with themselves they will overreact and practically become obsessed with someone's actions, assigning them a bigger negative value than they actually have.
And maybe you are a bit pissed off at him and somehow jealous for other reasons, that you know.
What you can do to make him stop without confronting him is over laugh at his jokes or copy his behavior when you're around him. That should normally make him realize that he's doing some stuff wrong.
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Its called living with friends. It seldom works since people always get annoyed at roommates. Just find new roomies for next year.
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if you've known him for that long then just talk to him. one night when ur both drunk or w/e just say something. as long as ur nice i can't see a problem with this. better to be open and try to make the situation better than to just say nothing and let it get worse. maybe you need to chill some, but you'll never find peace until you do something.
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when it's genuinely funny, laugh, and when it's not, walk up to him and punch him and say "shut the fuck up", or just stare at him and do a really obvious fake laugh and go back to your business, but play these off at as if they are jokes too. If you are busy with something, just completely ignore him and he'll get the point.
For example he will be finished with the bathroom and instead of telling me simply, he stands on one leg and says 'you may now you use the bathroom sir' in an opera-like voice.
This is an example of a time where you should respond as if he said it in a normal tone, something like "cool thanks."
These responses will help him distinguish between funny and not funny, but also make the exchanges more fun for you. There's really nothing wrong with his behavior. Although you don't seem to feel this way, it does take confidence to act like that and a guy like that can be a lot of fun. Since it's way over the top, just try to convince him to tone it down a little bit, at least around you.
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Tell him straight up that his shit is getting annoying and that he needs to find the proper audience for his antics because you are one shitty joke away from ripping heads off and sticking them on spikes outside the house.
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Talk to him about it if it's that much of a problem.
Otherwise, if he's your best friend, then who gives a shit? As long as he never does anything serious, like jacks your shit and sells it on ebay or nuts on your sheets or something...
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United States22883 Posts
On February 15 2009 07:09 travis wrote:Show nested quote +On February 15 2009 06:21 Jibba wrote:
Smile, look slightly down and shake your head. this is good but it will take longer lol
I mean, just learn to brush off some of the stupid things people do and I think that's a good way to do it. Sometimes you have to pick your battles, and if he's a really good friend, don't be an ass because he makes terrible, corny jokes.
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just dont laugh at them? youre not being a dick.
he does that stuff to get attention and cuz he thinks other people think hes funny, so if you just dont react to his jokes, he'll eventually stop.
even if he doesnt stop doing them, not laughing at unfunny jokes is better than laughing at them.
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FuDDx
United States5018 Posts
What about friends who play tons of broodwar with someone less skilled.Then said person who had been helping other goes away when he comes back that person is now a member of light and has no need to help the other get better at broodwar agian.Hes too busy getting roommates and owning people, to busy even to say hi. screw you utopia[sb] . love ya man.
Was that funny in a not funny way or something like your roomie?
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Kennigit
Canada19447 Posts
Does he have a gf? Get him one (or laid).
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I got pretty much the same problem. My ongoing solution is to just not laugh or smile unless he deserves it. I'm subtly letting him know his humor sucks by closing my eyes, frowning and shaking my head in front of him. I've also started to avoid eye contact.
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I don't think your can really talk to him about it because no matter what you say he will think you are attacking him or something.
Just act like an adult, meaning you are busy and don't have time for foolishness. When he does stuff instead of laughing say "ok", "yea", "thanks", or just look at him.
btw have you noticed what happens to people who make stupid posts? they are either completely ignored or flamed.
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give him the face palm >.>
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The next time he stands on one leg and says you can use the bathroom. Kick that one leg out, and firmly land your knee into his spine when he hits the ground. Then say "BAD! NO! BAD!".
Repeat as needed he'll learn eventually.
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Just don't laugh, eventually he will get the message and stop making these jokes. If he stares @ you just smile but don't look @ him.
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On February 15 2009 09:49 Kennigit wrote:
Does he have a gf? Get him one (or laid).
this is 100% spot on.
Most guys like to feel confident or secure so they can be perceived that way by women.
Or you can just be honest about your feelings whenever it comes up.
I.E you're with your GF, she has been raped in the past, and he proceeds to say "sensitivity to abusive violence and sexual crudeness is for pussies" you have every right to tell him he is an ass, and acting like he doesn't care about people's opinions all the while constantly seeking their attention, 'is for pussies'.
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He stated in the OP that he does have a girlfriend.
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On February 15 2009 12:45 fight_or_flight wrote:
He stated in the OP that he does have a girlfriend.
we're talking about getting his friend a GF
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On February 15 2009 13:58 Etherone wrote:Show nested quote +On February 15 2009 12:45 fight_or_flight wrote:
He stated in the OP that he does have a girlfriend. we're talking about getting his friend a GF
Ahhhhhhhhh
"So then he feels all validated and confident and then I come home from school and he's sitting there with his girlfriend and I know it's going to be bad because now I have to sit there and take his crap up the ass, saying 'yes I like it' in front of her, in front of other people at other times."
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Canada9720 Posts
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On February 15 2009 14:04 inReacH wrote:Show nested quote +On February 15 2009 13:58 Etherone wrote:On February 15 2009 12:45 fight_or_flight wrote:
He stated in the OP that he does have a girlfriend. we're talking about getting his friend a GF Ahhhhhhhhh "So then he feels all validated and confident and then I come home from school and he's sitting there with his girlfriend and I know it's going to be bad because now I have to sit there and take his crap up the ass, saying 'yes I like it' in front of her, in front of other people at other times."
i read that wrong T.T.
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Heh, FuDDx you have me confused with someone else. I never had the nickname utopia[sb], that's some other guy.
And thanks for comments all. Actually I think I am exaggerating the negativity of this that he's doing; I've been sort of out of it for a few months given some crappy social conditions in my own life (esp. that I lack girls, yeah  ), and probably a bit angry because things are working for him. But it remains that he sometimes makes jokes that I should not laugh at, next time I'll just say "okay" like you suggested.
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NeverGG
United Kingdom5399 Posts
I agree with a lot of the others - tell him that his behaviour is making you uncomfortable. Even if he gets annoyed or upset keep your own tone and emotions calm so it doesn't descend into a fight. After all if it's worth saving a friendship that's lasted that long will be able to survive some basic honesty.
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EPT
