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So I wrote it on starcraft, tell me what you think. I wrote it in like 30 minutes, its almost 2 in the morning and its due tomorrow. This is from my previous blog about unique hobbies.
Btw, I'm not too sure what I'm trying to get across, this essay is about a unique hobby/activity.
Enjoy and critique please
Starcraft is a computer game made in 1998 by Blizzard. Even though the game was made a decade ago, the game play is flawless (with the help of continuous updates) and the graphics are basic yet well made. This game, even up until now, is very popular in European and Asian countries, particularly South Korea. Yes, the game is one of my hobbies but it is not playing the game that makes it unique. The reason it is unique to me is because I, myself am from South Korea. It is unique because it is a way to relate to my culture and to others. Ever since visiting my native country back in 2002, I was hooked to the game. Currently, there are two television channels dedicated to just computer gaming, just like ESPN. There are over 400 pro-gamers, mostly aged from teenagers to young adults that spend much of their time practicing this game, up to 16 hours, just sitting there and practicing. All of these teams are invested by huge companies known world wide, such as Samsung, KTF, and SKT T1.
A website I go to often is teamliquid.net, a forum website for Starcraft, where there are people all over the world sharing different thoughts and ideas but not limited to just the game. This website has helped me learn many different things from people’s cultures and ideas to different playing styles of the game itself. The game, yes is fun to play but it’s the other reasons of meeting others that are also passionate with the game that makes this game able such a hobby.
 
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LMAO good essay for a middle schooler IMO
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"All of these teams are sponsored by large coporations that are well-known in Korea, such as Samsung (which, for example, supports the Samsung KHAN pro-gaming team)." would be better than your first paragraph's last sentence, imo. Also, I don't think bringing up teamliquid.net as the main topic for the second paragraph is such a good idea...Is the whole essay two paragraphs?
Edit: Typo.
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"Yes, the game is one of my hobbies but it is not playing the game that makes it unique."
"The game, yes is fun to play but it’s the other reasons of meeting others that are also passionate with the game that makes this game able such a hobby."
Not sure why you keep using the word "yes" in this way... sounds awkward in non-colloquial means.
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United States10774 Posts
Did you proofread this at all before posting?
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United States3824 Posts
I sort of feel like any critique would be sort of off as we don't know the basis for the essay. Is it like a blogpost? is it supposed to be a formal essay?
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On November 25 2008 16:14 cgrinker wrote:
I sort of feel like any critique would be sort of off as we don't know the basis for the essay. Is it like a blogpost? is it supposed to be a formal essay?
His two previous blogs hold the background details.
And, oh, it's only supposed to be 250 words. Hmm, I think rather than TL, you should really emphasize the cultural impact of SC in South Korea; it would make for a strong conclusion.
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CA10832 Posts
ok if this is for some sort of scholarship you really need to improve this.
as it stands now, it is rather lackluster.
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3861 Posts
dont use absolute words like "flawless"
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Korea (South)17174 Posts
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLllllll
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i give it one yellow star and a smily face.
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lol
is this an essay, what is the title/topic anyway?
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That LOL breaks the layout just as badly as the picture in your profile does rek!
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lol i refreshed the site cuz i thought it was an error or something. the essay sucks btw. make it 1200 words to impress the teacher.
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Korea (South)17174 Posts
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CA10832 Posts
its supposed to be 250 words, give him a break.
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yeah, for a 250 essay i would focus on one very specific aspect and explain as well as i can. i think you cast your net way too wide, as far as topics as concern.
but why choose progaming? it's such a superficial topic to write about for people who are probably in their 30s and 40s and think it's a kids thing. why not talk about barack obama or what's happening in the us.
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
I read the first 2 lines.
You need a far better hook.
And wtf is the crux of the essay. That should come within the first 2 sentences, unless you know what you're really doing and can build it up towards the end.
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
ok skimmed it, you need to restructure it so that you have some punch line to start, then a thesis along the lines of saying sc is a game that you have a deeper connection to you beyond just the game itself etc, split off the korea/sports part into a 2nd paragraph, and split off yoru conclusion from the TL.net paragraph and add like 2 sentences to the conclusion paragraph.
Those are my basical structural suggestions.
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
ah ok 250 words so i guess that's moderatly excusable but still. You have to split up the sections and reorganize like i said in above post so the reader immediately knows wtf your'e talking about and why you're writing about it, and can follow each idea independently in each paragraph.
as it is right now, the overall flow blows.
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EPT
