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Active: 929 users

Some poems I wrote

Blogs > crazie-penguin
Post a Reply
crazie-penguin
Profile Blog Joined June 2006
United States1253 Posts
Last Edited: 2008-01-21 02:22:01
January 21 2008 02:19 GMT
#1
Okay so I just collected all my poems and was hoping if you guys could critique/comment, enjoy, or whatever.

-----
Snow,
I always wished to see.
Isolated to the North
Far, Far away from me.
I wished at length
To be a cloud
And let the wind's strength
Carry me around to you.

I wondered and wandered, hoping for your touch.
And finally,
the whimsical wind blew
me from my home,
all the way to you

I saw you, after so long
Falling down to the earth like an
Angel
With soft, white wings

I reached out, releasing all the tension.
I shivered excitedly, with you about to land
In my hand.
But, unlike I wanted.

You melted in my arms, unwarranted
Your wings, like wax, collapsed in my passion.
And soon, you became one
With my tears.

Then along came the whimsical wind
And dried up my tears.
I searched the traces of my palms
But it as all in vain.
You were gone.

Snow
I wonder if you're still up there.
I wish someday, maybe,
That you'd come back down,
Just for me


-------
Time passes quickly by
And no matter how hard I try.
I can never finish this poem, only sigh
As, once again, time quickly passes by.
There are so little rhymes
And I'm wondering why
That no matter how hard I try
Time quickly passes by.


---------
To write poetry is like
looking into a mirror.
And describing what one
sees or saw.

To write poetry is to take
a sun's warmth and put
it into paper
for everyone to feel.

To write poetry is to freeze
a moment and then
keep it forever
for all to remember.


-----
Sun,
I want to see again.
Always hiding now,
behind a blanket of gray clouds

Where are you,
You're getting too far.
It's no longer fun without you,
My little sun.

The drumming rain is getting old
and the white snow is too cold.
The warmth is gone,
only a chill remains.
The light is gone,
only shadows are around.

It's hard to see, but
What must I do
To have you,
Once more.

-------
The orange sun sets,
once again.
The clouds gather above,
one more time.
And another day
goes to waste.

The sigh of trees
above the dusty desk
brings my attention
back to drying pens and
unopened books.

With each tick and tock,
the clock throws another second
out the window.

***
Chef
Profile Blog Joined August 2005
10810 Posts
Last Edited: 2008-01-21 07:16:14
January 21 2008 07:16 GMT
#2
This is critique (try to not to take it personally):

+ Show Spoiler +
To write poetry is like
looking into a mirror.
And describing what one
sees or saw.

To write poetry is to take
a sun's warmth and put
it into paper
for everyone to feel.

To write poetry is to freeze
a moment and then
keep it forever
for all to remember.

IMO this is not really poetry. This is three sentences you broke up into lines, with no apparent logic. Your use of literary devices was almost completely absent (half the reason anyone should ever write a poem is for an excuse to pile up on literary devices).

As for everything else... I dunno. Try to write about more profound emotions. I found them pretty boring (maybe others would enjoy them more).

Sorry :X At least I commented though!
LEGEND!! LEGEND!!
micronesia
Profile Blog Joined July 2006
United States24772 Posts
January 21 2008 07:19 GMT
#3
On January 21 2008 11:19 crazie-penguin wrote:
1: The orange sun sets,
2: once again.
3: The clouds gather above,
4: one more time.
5: And another day
6: goes to waste.

7: The sigh of trees
8: above the dusty desk
9: brings my attention
10: back to drying pens and
11: unopened books.

12: With each tick and tock,
13: the clock throws another second
14: out the window.

4: You are implying that there is a correlation in between the sun setting, and the clouds 'gathering above' even though I'm not aware of one.

6: Why did you choose to make the day ending so negative? This theme seems to be carried throughout the poem, and yet I see no explanation for why you would do that, unless there is an implication that work regarding the unopened books has not been completed.

8: How do you see trees above the desk? Are you outside? Is there a window over the desk overlooking trees?

10: What are drying pens? You using a quill or something?

14: Once again I'm wondering why the negative spin is being placed on the passage of time.
ModeratorThere are animal crackers for people and there are people crackers for animals.
Chef
Profile Blog Joined August 2005
10810 Posts
Last Edited: 2008-01-21 07:30:07
January 21 2008 07:28 GMT
#4
--Deleted by user.--
LEGEND!! LEGEND!!
prOxi.swAMi
Profile Blog Joined November 2004
Australia3091 Posts
January 21 2008 09:22 GMT
#5
About micronesia's reply, I don't see why he needs a reason for it to be negative any more than he would need a reason for it to be positive.
Oh no
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