I have to play a bit to the audience if I blog. I notice a lot though that a lot of my blogs end up being more like journal entries, so shouldn't I just write my thoughts in a journal? Some part of that never felt that fun to me though because I've always liked having some audience that can write to. Whatever goes though, if people aren't interested or are, then whatever. I think really the only part of posting a blog that matters is that it's public which is enough fun in itself.
That's right, obsessing over small details like this can't be good. I'm pretty sure if this blog post got only 1 view (my own), then I'd feel I guess disappointment. That's the problem with me, I care too much about useless parts of my life and I care too little about what truly matters.
Thinking about the past year I gotta say I didn't care enough about how I spent my time. I posted a blog about taking a course called CS50 which is some computer science course. I got through less than nine percent of the course before quitting. I've observed so far a running theme of taking on long term challenges and not following through with them. At the beginning of each challenge, from experience I realized that the difficulty and commitment required of me is going to expend a lot more willpower and strength than I can fully perceive at the moment.
I tell myself this and understand the slow descent into laziness that passivity can cause. Passivity works insidiously and any of its moments should be treated seriously and as a grave severity to progress. Of course, one day of skipping out on working doesn't appear serious as the damage caused feels minor in the short term. On the start of embarking on any long road I knew ahead of time what I would feel like if I didn't get whatever I had to get done done. I understood I was going to have difficult days and large mental blocks and the process of stagnation snowballing. I knew the journey was laden with obstacles more difficult than I could comprehend in a single moment. They could only be expressed in the moment I was experiencing them and stretched over a long period of time.
Long term goals like that feel like a day by day process really. At the end of the day I didn't fulfill whatever I had to, but that's fine considering I have a lot more opportunities. As long as I learn from the past I can feel better.
Lately though I've been feeling nihilistic about life. There are a lot of opportunities I could take and failing at any of them wouldn't matter. On the other hand not taking the risks wouldn't matter either by the same philosophy. I could really make a big fool of myself in life and none of my perception of myself and how I came across to others won't really matter to me when I'm about to expire.
I realize commonly the largest faults of people are what people are too prideful to admit to. That sounds like common sense though. I thought about talking about my own faults personally but I'm just too prideful to admit to them and share for all to see. I guess it doesn't really matter if I do or do not share them. If I do share them there's not really a point to anything, so that doesn't really matter, does it? Concurrently, because there's no point to anything it doesn't matter if I don't share them either. Maybe that's a weak thing to not share them, like almost I'm shackling myself to these faults. Then again I probably could have just not written this blog in the first place and none of it would have mattered. I guess I'm overthinking things. Do I tell my faults or do I not tell them? If I don't tell them, i'm a slave to my faults. That sounds like something someone would say just to pry into someone's life and manipulate them. Yah, I've got really no responsibility or incentive to tell a bunch of internet strangers my faults, That's weird kind of, like you have to say things just because you're reluctant to say them. That makes no sense. I've confused myself.
That reminds me of a conversation I had awhile ago. Someone asked me what was bothering me. I didn't want to tell them because I said it wasn't a big deal. They kept on badgering me for answers though. I said it wasn't a big deal. Then I finally told them that my clothes were emanating a strange odor from being kept in the laundry wash too long before drying. Then they said that even if it wasn't that big of a deal, not acknowledging that it wasn't that big of a deal is a big deal because you're not validating your own problems enough to realize that they're problems. If I spilled some grape soda all over my keyboard and got mad about it is that a big deal too? I guess if I had just told them what was bothering me in the first place then that wouldn't have been a big deal. I thought their tactic was pretty sly though, because I had no way of getting out of telling them what was bothering me without having them say something was a big deal. Big deal.
I'm really prone to mental gymnastics to try being right or on the moral high ground. I'm more aware of that now though. For example, the last paragraph I kind of painted the person who was asking what was bothering me to be pretty inane. How could that be? HOW COULD THAT BE?
Anyway, I saw something pretty strange. I was watching someone talk to another person. The tone of voice and mannerisms of the other person felt so strange though, so plastic. It felt overly superficial and obnoxiously giddy. I know, I'm so cynical, boiling myself in my cynical attitude. I'm not sure, but the person was saying stuff that was as fake as "I'm marvelous" or saying to the mom of your girlfriend who invited you over for dinner with the family "I love this asparagus." No one's like that! Maybe, but something about it doesn't sit right with me. There's a term called real talk and that's what I'm all about. Yah, real talk.
Lately I've been having trouble occupying myself with something meaningful in life. I feel like for a long time I've always been assigned things to do. I've gotten a good look at life and I feel life is pretty mundane and absurd at the same time. I was born and now I'm growing up and eating things, defecating, sleeping. Okay, now I'm gonna learn stuff....to serve society. Okay, great, I don't really know why I'm here or how I got here. Okay, we're past secondary school and I'm gonna go to college to learn psychology to become a psychiatrist. I'm gonna become a psychiatrist because I can help people and...after that when I get old I'm gonna die of natural causes. Before that though I'm gonna make tons of friends, get lots of amazing life experiences, have tons of fun taking risks and living the life I've always wanted. Okay learning things, serving the human construct that is the economic powerhouse that is my nation so I can get money, another human construct, so I can pay a little extra to get bacon on my cheeseburger. I'm gonna try to live my life as an individual and go somewhere where my values as a human are respected, not a place where I'm treated as an expendable appendage. I'm also gonna play some video games in the mean time in between working. You know what, that doesn't actually sound that bad once I write it out even if there isn't any point to life. A lot of what I hear basically boils down to "Make the best of it while you're here" kind of. Yah, that doesn't sound bad. Too much words, too much thinking. Head hurts.