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Question about grammar (paragraph spacing)

Blogs > Deleted User 3420
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Deleted User 3420
Profile Blog Joined May 2003
24492 Posts
March 06 2014 03:17 GMT
#1
Which do you think is better paragraph spacing for this essay? Any other critiques would be fine too.


For the average person, second chances are the stuff of daydreams. A moment of reflection during a shower. A twinge of regret after a conversation with an old friend. Pondering past mistakes when we can’t sleep. These tend to be the dwellings of second chances.

It’s not often that second chances become reality. Many people lack the confidence to remedy the errors that stand in the way of their dreams. Others lack the time, having picked up the commitments and responsibilities that life hands us as we grow older. So many of us struggle to merely stay content, grinding each day away, living only for the happiness found in the rare moments that stand outside the mundane.

I’ve been given a special opportunity. Life has provided me all of the tools to make my own second chance a reality.

I have the confidence; I understand that I am powerful beyond measure. If I put my mind to something, all it takes is continued dedication combined with effort and I will achieve the desired outcome.

I have the time; many of the responsibilities that we adults accrue have not yet come my way, leaving me open to focus my efforts on self-improvement.

I have the desire, overwhelming desire. I want to live in a future that is not mundane. I want to be filled with passion for what I do. I want to accomplish things that make myself and others proud. And I hope that xxxxx can help make that possible.




For the average person, second chances are the stuff of daydreams. A moment of reflection during a shower. A twinge of regret after a conversation with an old friend. Pondering past mistakes when we can’t sleep. These tend to be the dwellings of second chances.It’s not often that second chances become reality. Many people lack the confidence to remedy the errors that stand in the way of their dreams. Others lack the time, having picked up the commitments and responsibilities that life hands us as we grow older. So many of us struggle to merely stay content, grinding each day away, living only for the happiness found in the rare moments that stand outside the mundane.

I’ve been given a special opportunity. Life has provided me all of the tools to make my own second chance a reality. I have the confidence; I understand that I am powerful beyond measure. If I put my mind to something, all it takes is continued dedication combined with effort and I will achieve the desired outcome. I have the time; many of the responsibilities that we adults accrue have not yet come my way, leaving me open to focus my efforts on self-improvement. I have the desire, overwhelming desire. I want to live in a future that is not mundane. I want to be filled with passion for what I do. I want to accomplish things that make myself and others proud. And I hope that xxxxx can help make that possible.


thank you for the help

Epishade
Profile Blog Joined November 2011
United States2267 Posts
March 06 2014 03:25 GMT
#2
The second one reads better for me and looks more professional. You have the obvious difference between the first paragraph that is talking about people in general, and the second paragraph where you are talking about yourself personally.
Pinhead Larry in the streets, Dirty Dan in the sheets.
Pangpootata
Profile Blog Joined January 2011
1838 Posts
March 06 2014 03:28 GMT
#3
If it's intended to sound motivational or impactful, the first one would work better on most people, as the reader will digest each sentence individually, and the anaphora/tricolon will be highlighted by the spacing. But if it's meant to be ordinary prose, then too much spacing makes it seem disjointed.

I personally prefer the second one though.
Cyro
Profile Blog Joined June 2011
United Kingdom20285 Posts
March 06 2014 03:42 GMT
#4
Second one looks more professional, first is much easier to read IMO
"oh my god my overclock... I got a single WHEA error on the 23rd hour, 9 minutes" -Belial88
itsjustatank
Profile Blog Joined November 2010
Hong Kong9153 Posts
March 06 2014 04:07 GMT
#5
second. it's an essay, not a work of poetic prose; leave the creative line-spacing to those genres.
Photographer"nosotros estamos backamos" - setsuko
PhoenixVoid
Profile Blog Joined December 2011
Canada32740 Posts
March 06 2014 04:18 GMT
#6
I'd suggest the second format if you are looking for a professional, formal edition, while the second is more for poetic work with the spacing.
I'm afraid of demented knife-wielding escaped lunatic libertarian zombie mutants
sabas123
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
Netherlands3122 Posts
March 06 2014 05:25 GMT
#7
On March 06 2014 12:28 Pangpootata wrote:
If it's intethsnded to sound motivational or impactful, the first one would work better on most people, as the reader will digest each sentence individually, and the anaphora/tricolon will be highlighted by the spacing. But if it's meant to be ordinary prose, then too much spacing makes it seem disjointed.

I personally prefer the second one though.

This. Althou I would like to add that the reason for me the first felt way more powerfull i becouse it started of with creating this image of a live full of limits followed by you bAll f this with a nice build up that was missing in the secod part. Which made it more formal
The harder it becomes, the more you should focus on the basics.
MtlGuitarist97
Profile Blog Joined July 2011
United States1539 Posts
Last Edited: 2014-03-06 12:12:06
March 06 2014 12:02 GMT
#8
I think the second one is better.

Also, just as an aside, I would try to avoid using linking verbs/passive voice. If possible. It helps a lot with the feel of the essay if you use stronger verbs, and it makes it read as if you're trying to convey a message or story as opposed to trying to talk at your reader.
Piy
Profile Blog Joined January 2008
Scotland3152 Posts
March 06 2014 13:35 GMT
#9
The second is better. The first is how you would structure an IM to a friend or a forum post where the content is all that matters.
My. Copy. Is. Here.
QuanticHawk
Profile Blog Joined May 2007
United States32049 Posts
March 06 2014 14:36 GMT
#10
second is for essays for sure. first is for media or creative writing
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