Hello TL.net! It's been a while since I've posted/blogged.
A little something struck me yesterday and I wrote about it. Thought I'd share.
Through the Pane
He had his glasses
And his bold nose
And his crazy waving hair
A worn hoody
A coffee
A flurry of hands: of quotes,
of directions, of
imitations and re-enactments
His companion was older,
with long hair, a little rounder and short,
a sweater ugly enough to be criminal - his mother
His height and his erect yet slight
slouch
His smile with his perfect teeth, so
important to him
His patchy beard and creepy
mustache
I love him
As my heart writhes, I waver. I go
Towards: we see each other and
lock eyes. I start to cry and I run at
him, clinging to his body like I
haven't seen it for the months that
I haven't. We were stupid! It was
all a mistake! We'll be together for
the rest of forever.
Away: he can't see me. It's too
hard. He /instructed/ me to not
make contact. It could only end
poorly! In tears and anger and
what the fucks.
Towards: I don't care. I just need
to see his face. Hear his voice.
Grip him fiercely for the 3 seconds
before he pushes me away. And it
will all be worth it. It may never
happen again.
Away: against his wishes.
Disregard and disrespect. From
sad ending into enraged ending.
So much cost.
It's cold outside. The bus awaits.
Practical, going, to get changed. I
walk by the window, getting a little
closer, a little cleaner an angle. I
can see his face at least...
It's not him...
It's not him.
 
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i like this except i dont know how i feel about the shift from the first part to the second part, i felt that the second part was too 'shaped' or something, the enjambment felt a little bit too sporadic for me, i thought some moments of it were nice and maybe you can push it towards something more (in particular i think "i don't care, i just need/ to see his face" is something that might be "admired" in terms of craft, theres a couple other moments too when you can feel the energy of the line pushing through the line etc or whatever)
wasnt sure what to think of the "away:" and "towards:", i think its mostly personal taste because ive seen other poems that have something similar that i didnt really like
the emphasis on the word "instructed" feels strange, mostly because the word instructed seems strange
i dont like "as my heart writhes, i waver" partly because i dont like and try to avoid (in my writing) things like "as" clauses or whatever but mostly because hearts dont really writhe (although i guess they might make a similar movement when they are "beating", but i dont think thats really the intention of the word "writhe" here)
i thought it not being him at the end was strange especially when it feels like the narrator of the poem and the "him" shared a close relationship which makes it strange that he wouldnt recognize "him's mother".
i still liked it, it was mostly good, i think "clinging to his body like i/ haven't seen it for the months that/ i haven't" is neat, i liked the beginning "he had his glasses/ and his bold nose/ and his crazy, waving hair"
i like the word erect, but i dont think that it belongs in the phrase "erect slight slouch" since they mean opposite things, i think that you can probably use the same words in a different combination that make it "mean more", like "slightly slouched but still/ erect", i think it places more emphasis on the word erect which i feel like should be the "star"
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EPT
