EPTPreface
Today I made a terrible mistake and got into a car accident.Though it's weird to put this story out there, I wanted to reflect a little bit. I want to keep the details of the incident brief and focus more on the lessons learned and what type of realizations I had.
Today was my day off, no practice and no expectations. We had played matches every single day of the previous week, so I wanted to spend some time for myself. As most of us know, LD and Godz moved to California to start their Beyond The Summit studio and I was too busy to actually welcome them. I decided to head over to Purge's house, where they moved into, and hang out with them. We planned on meeting up with Luminous, Blitz and Eosin for Lunch and Dinner. Luminous, Eosin and myself drove over to Eosin's house to pickup some forgotten stuff and on the way back to Purge's house the accident happened.
The short story is that I was making a left turn on a very ambiguous street intersection and collided with the incoming car (only 1 car was involved). Nobody was hurt and both cars were still drivable, our bumpers were the only things that needed to be repaired. At the end of it all, I decided to take it all in as a learning experience in order to grow. This is a bold statement, but hear me out: I'm actually glad that I had this experience today.
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After the collision occurred, I felt a jolt of terror unlike any other fear I've ever had, I fucked up bad. Though I wanted to freeze up and break down, I did what I should've: I got out of the car, confronted the other driver and accepted my responsibilities. As the whole experience unfolded, I was bombarded with various thoughts and I decided to write a couple of them down to write about later.
Assholes and Humanity
This was my very first accident. I was used to being the observer, not the actual person standing in the middle of the road perplexed. It was a real eye-opening experience, as well as a humbling one. Within no more than 40 seconds of our incident comes a car with a man laughing his ass off as he passes by (Imagine the Hyena's in the Lion King). He hollered at the top of his lungs, "Losers! HAHAHA." My friend, Steven, even mentioned that the same guy made a round trip, coming from the opposite end, to laugh again. My only thought was, "fucking asshole".
He wasn't the only one either, there were several other drivers who mocked the situation as they rode passed. I felt a little sick, what the fuck. It's safe to assume that there are a lot of assholes in the world, but had I never experienced it in such a disgusting manner. Fine I'm okay with this, morons do exist. I was just disappointed and started to wonder if I had turned a blind eye to the reality of an asshole-majority.
I always held the belief that there were more thoughtful, kind, and generous people than trolls and dickheads online. Whenever people asked me about the Dota community I always held, in full faith, that the ratio of good to bad was exponentially in favor of the good.
I feel that this theory held true, today. Though there were idiots passing by, there were a lot more concerned drivers offering help. For the most part they stopped for a second and asked questions like "Are you guys okay?", "Is anybody hurt?", or "Do you need help?" A smaller ratio of them even pulled over and talked with us. There was one man in particular who actually walked up to me and explained how the intersection was ridiculous and how he's seen this many times over. He also explained how I would be fine and it's not a big deal, how my insurance company could take care of it and that accidents happen. The man walked over to the woman, who's car I had hit, and made sure that she was fine as well.
All these little acts of kindness restored my perspectives on humanity and the kindness of people.
The bigger picture I got out of this all was that I should appreciate the people in my life that much more. My loving family, my kind friends, enthusiastic fans and every person who's involved in my life. I'm never going to view these people the same way, I am truly blessed to have them in my life.
The Man I Admire
This is a man who I'll never forget. The qualities I saw in him represent the attributes that I want to embody: The kind of man I want to be.
The first thing I saw when our cars stopped was a man with a puzzled look in his eye, arms raised. He was the passenger and his wife was driving the vehicle. At that very moment, I knew that nothing I could say or do would've made this better. It was very surreal, it felt as if time had stopped and my world had shattered. I decided it was best not to think, thinking would only make it worse.
*Note* I'll refer to the "man" as Robert.
Though frustrated, Robert acted in the most admirable way possible. He emanated a calm that can only be described as groundedness. Through his presence I found the strength to think logically and handle the situation appropriately.
The very first words that came out of my mouth, as I approached Robert, were "I'm so sorry, I cannot express how terribly I feel, this was completely my fault." He paced from side to side, shook his head, and said "What are you saying sorry for?", I was confused. I insisted upon expressing how badly I felt to him, yet he remained rather stoic.
He pulled me aside and told me things that I'll value forever:
"Don't worry so much, there is nothing we can do about it now and we can't change the situation. You know, when I was young, I used to think about regret, would've, should've, could've, but there's no point."
+ Show Spoiler +
It's completely logical to rationalize a situation in this manner, but in the heat of the moment it was the farthest thing from my mind. I mean, how could I just simply stop worrying? I felt like I needed to feel guilty and act guilty in order to exact justice upon myself. After all, it was the least I could do. Robert told me it was okay to let it go, and I did. It didn't feel as terrible as I had imagined. I still felt horrible about it all, but I realized that I didn't have to act out of a place of weakness, but rather strength.
All my life I had conditioned myself to think and act a certain way when I messed up. I always beat myself up over almost every mistake and ruminated over the thoughts as retribution. No one told me to do this, it just seemed like the right thing to do.
With this experience, I realize how irrational it is to practice this. Even with the realizations I had coming up to this month, involving leadership in Dota, I was starting to move on much quicker and I stopped beating myself up over ever single thing. For me, this experience was the final straw in regards to worrying about the past and drowning myself in regret for things I cannot change.
All my life I had conditioned myself to think and act a certain way when I messed up. I always beat myself up over almost every mistake and ruminated over the thoughts as retribution. No one told me to do this, it just seemed like the right thing to do.
With this experience, I realize how irrational it is to practice this. Even with the realizations I had coming up to this month, involving leadership in Dota, I was starting to move on much quicker and I stopped beating myself up over ever single thing. For me, this experience was the final straw in regards to worrying about the past and drowning myself in regret for things I cannot change.
"Luckily no one was hurt and that is what's most important, these are just material things, we can replace them."
+ Show Spoiler +
The first thing I thought about after I crashed into the other vehicle was "What if I died?" That was as close to a near-death as I've ever had and I think it triggered an emotional response in me that I desperately needed. I thought about how I don't tell my family that I love them enough and how I could show my appreciation towards them more often. In that moment, I promised myself that I'd tell my family that I love them every time they go out for work or school or anything else.
The second thing I thought was that I should value my friends a lot more and that I honestly want to spend more time with them. I don't want to hold back anything and I want to let them know what they mean to me.
I'm a neat freak. I like to maintain order and keep things as perfect as possible, in this case, my car. But during this entire process I realized that I didn't give a damn about my car, it was dwarfed by the magnitude of the situation. My bumper was totaled, parts strewn about the intersection. One thing that surprised me was that the AAA (towing/roadside assistance) worker's black oil-stained hand-prints on my paperwork and car interior didn't irk me at all. My windows could've been shattered, my roof trampled over by elephants, or my car painted flamboyant pink. Do these things truly matter? Not really, people matter. Instantly it hit me that, when push comes to shove, I don't value material things.
The second thing I thought was that I should value my friends a lot more and that I honestly want to spend more time with them. I don't want to hold back anything and I want to let them know what they mean to me.
I'm a neat freak. I like to maintain order and keep things as perfect as possible, in this case, my car. But during this entire process I realized that I didn't give a damn about my car, it was dwarfed by the magnitude of the situation. My bumper was totaled, parts strewn about the intersection. One thing that surprised me was that the AAA (towing/roadside assistance) worker's black oil-stained hand-prints on my paperwork and car interior didn't irk me at all. My windows could've been shattered, my roof trampled over by elephants, or my car painted flamboyant pink. Do these things truly matter? Not really, people matter. Instantly it hit me that, when push comes to shove, I don't value material things.
"You didn't want this and we didn't want this, so we should move on from there."
Like I mentioned in my last blog, clichés and wise words become more powerful with age. Though the concepts were nothing new, they became frighteningly real. Those words hit me so hard, I was struck with such profundity that I just wanted to break down.
As time passed, both of our parties found refuge on the street corner's sidewalk. An hour or so had passed and I felt an unbearable pressure weighing down on me. Robert noticed my distress and walked over to me:
"You okay?", he asked.
"Yea, I think so.", I replied.
We both stared at the ambiguous intersection and a solemn draft of wind met our silence. He asked what my plans were, where I was heading and why I was here. I had explained that I was visiting friends and we were on our way to grab some Lunch. Robert put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Go enjoy yourself. Have a good time, okay?"
Though a romantic sentiment, I could only think about getting myself back home a defeated man, my day was over. The Police officer wrote his report, took down our information, and let us know we could go. Robert turned to me, gestured a puzzled smile and said, "Brian I wish we didn't have to meet on these terms, be happy and don't be too down on yourself."
I returned, "Again, I'm so sorry. I'm glad that nobody was hur--".
He stopped me, "I don't even want to think about it!"
I found this profound. There it was again, my bad habit of thinking too much. It dawned on me that Robert hadn't even humored the idea of worsened outcome. He only cared about the present and didn't bog himself down with bullshit that didn't matter.
I mustered up the courage to say something extremely difficult, "I'm grateful for the way that you dealt with this all and I thought it was admirable... you are admirable."
Robert shrugged it off and said, "Let's just be glad that we're all okay. This happens all the time, go have fun with your friends." He shook my hand and took to his family.
There aren't any words that I can use to properly describe Robert's impact on me. Both immediate changes and changes that I'd like to grow into as a man, I'm now fully aware of. I'll never forget him.
Why I Stayed
So by this time, we were free to go. All of the information had been shared and the Police officer said we were done. Blitz and Purge drove over and they offered their support. It was about 5 PM and since we didn't get to catch Lunch, they decided to go for Dinner. I had two options here:
1) Go drive myself back home (1 hour away), feeling defeated and depressed.
or
2) Take Robert's advice and just let it go.
I honestly had been thinking about taking option one since the very beginning. I believed that my day was over, I drove out there for nothing and I shouldn't feel anything but guilty. How was I going to return to LD and Godz and fake a smile? It felt like there was a dunce hat overtop my head that beckoned nothing but ridicule.
I wanted to sit in my vehicle for a good 10 minutes, think about what happened some more and do some self-loathing (typical protocol). Though it's been a long while since I've done that, this was as good a time as any. Left to my own devices, I probably would've taken this route.
Purge, Luminous, Eosin and Blitz, there they stood. They said that I should still come and eat with them. I told them that I wanted to sit in my car for a minute and think, knowing that I was going to just leave. However, all of the realizations I was having came rushing back into my mind. That was really great of them. Robert's words, the newfound appreciation for the people in my life, and the idea of letting go.
"Let's just be glad that we're all okay. This happens all the time, go have fun with your friends."
This rang in my head relentlessly and wouldn't cease echoing. I looked out my passenger-side window and saw my friends. Without taking another thought, I cut my stupid self-defeating meeting with myself short and pushed my door open. I told them I was coming. I thought that it would be a real fucking shame if I let my thoughts trump my personal happiness. I realized that I had to let go, I had to enjoy myself and that there was nothing that I could do. Why should I terrorize myself and if I was to have a good time, would my friends think less of me? I really didn't think so, I knew they wouldn't. The doubts dispersed and I felt both inspired and liberated.
I decided not to mention, on twitter, that I had been involved in an accident. Though I wanted to revisit later in the day, it was my last priority. My priority was having a good time and spending time with good people.
So we went on the have an awesome dinner, I took pictures, I joked, had fun and I took steps to venture outside my comfort zone. I feel that I have a renewed appreciation for life in general, for the people involved in my life and learning. I'm done obsessing over bullshit and I'm prepared to appreciate everything that I have now.
I've come to think about my transition into adulthood and I really want to be the best person I can be. If I can make it through all the mistakes and learn as much as possible, I'll be a proud of myself.
Today was a great day.
(It's late, it's been a 4 or 5 hours of writing and I'm getting to that corny state of mind again.)
Blitz, Purge, Luminous, Eosin, LD, Godz, and Sam: Thanks, I'm grateful for you guys and I hope that we'll grow to be great friends moving forward. I don't normally care for pictures, but I decided that I wanted to cherish these moments. You guys really helped pull me out of my negative headspace. You guys don't realize how much your support has helped me. Lastly, that gum was sooo good.
-FLUFF
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