I kissed a girl for the first time recently. I got my first handjob/blowjob that same day. A couple days later I had sex for the first time.
Storm (a pseudonym of course) is a beautiful woman. She has somewhat short dirty blonde hair, recessive green eyes, and skin as white as mine. She may not be tall, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have a presence that can fill the room. And to top it off she has an attitude towards relationships that is the complete opposite of Emily's. She cooks, knits, codes, smokes weed, and lives her life to the limit.
I get the impression that when Storm wants something, she's going to get it, one way or another. She will know what she wants, and she knows how to get it. But while she'll manipulate everything to get what she wants, somehow, at the end of the day, no one feels manipulated. Everyone gets what they want when she's in control. Expecially her.
The first memory I have of meeting her was in a study group for a CS class last semester. Apparently she remembers me from before then, but that was the first I remember. One of my friends invited both of us over to his apartment for some ramen and to study for a test. I got vibes that night that she might like me (nothing concrete, just my male intuition that's wrong 50% of the time). I considered asking her for her number on the bus back but for some reason I didn't (spineless nerd). I saw her around a bit more that semester, but didn't do anything because I was busy stringing myself along around Emily.
This semester though, I was back in the game. I was gonna get myself a girl. One that isn't so religious that she won't even kiss me this time. So lucky me, Storm was in one of my CS classes again this semester. She was on my queue of girls that I consider romantic relationships with, so I kept my eyes on her. At first I sat at the front of the class because I'm a bit nearsighted, but I soon noticed that she sat a lot closer to the back and tended to come in just a minute before the class started. So about 1-2 weeks in I switched and sat closer to the back, in one of the ~3 rows that I had noticed her sitting in. I wasn't certain of this at the time, but she liked me, so she sat next to me. Exactly as I planned. Or did she plan it?
For the next couple weeks she started hanging out with me a bunch, coming with me to the communal ACM office where many CS majors choose to sit and code/chat for hours at a time. The ACM office is practically where I live, and even where I am right now. I don't sleep here, but I often code into the wee hours of the night/morning never getting any sleep. So we hung out/chatted and even went to lunch a couple of times. While we went to lunch alone together, I didn't assume anything special, and correctly so. I didn't offer to pay for her food, and this clearly wasn't dating. As TL so kindly informed me in my last blog, just because you have a couple of meals with someone doesn't mean you're dating.
One night, Storm invited my and other dude in the ACM office to her apartment to hang out. We both obliged and went over there to hang out. We chatted, played a bit of pictionary on her small whiteboard, and just relaxed. It was pretty fun. Sometime near the end of the evening, the subject turned to sex, specifically threesomes. the other guy jokingly suggested a threesome between us (eiffel tower: two guys on the outside hond hands above their heads while the girl arches in between them) and she was like eww. But then we left, and when I returned home I noticed a text from her (yah I had her number a while ago). It said "By the way, [the other guy] was the only part of the proposition I was opposed to." So essentially it boils down to the age old phrase: She wants the D.
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why do I love this song so much?
I was in no rush to have sex. Even now that I'm not a virgin, well, it's just sex. I mean it's good, and it's fun, but it isn't the greatest thing in the world. It's not something I would turn down any attractive partner for, but I'm in no hurry to have sex again. Besides, if it were a race, I'd have lost long ago. So I told her something like "Sure maybe sometime."
Soon later, there is a communal swim party event thing. I was planning on going, anyways, because I thought it would be fun, but Storm made sure to ask me specifically to come. Just more confirmation of what I already knew: she wants me. So I went, and damn, she is pretty hot in a bikini. Water volleyball, water basketball, jacuzzi, good times. Afterwards we all go to get some food at a Thai restraunt, but after that I go to a Piano, and she goes drinking with her friends other non-CS friends (none of whom I know).
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Aside: I don't drink. I don't smoke. Neither cigarettes nor weed. It's not that I have a problem with other people using drugs, I just choose not to for myself. I figure if I never start, I never have to worry about having trouble stopping. It's cheaper not to. It's safer not to. Both in terms of legality and health. And besides, I can do all that when I'm older and I don't have a potential 60-80 years of my life to regret it. I figure once I'm old and retired, and I've paid all my dues to society, I can go risk anything I want, put myself in danger, ruin my body, and enjoy the living hell out of all of it. And it might be legal by then too. But for now, it's just not wise. And since these drugs are all at least questionably addictive, it's better I don't even experiment and try them out. But that's my philosophy, you can do whatever drugs you want. Except don't smoke cigarettes. That's just stupid, it's not worth it.
The next friday Storm invites me over to her apartment to "do homework" together. The funny thing is, I think she may have only planned on doing homework, but she'd be lying if she told you she didn't want to do more. So I go over, and we do homework for the first couple hours. Yes, we were actually doing homework, and she didn't jump on me instantly. But that's ok, because I gotta get over my spinelessness and actually start something myself. Else I'd never learn anything right?
So a couple hours in, we both get to a bit of a breaking point in our work, and I finally grow a pair.
"Hey Storm... may I kiss you?"
I'd mentioned that I've never had much experince with women before, but I don't think I'd explicitly stated that I'd never kissed one before. Since I don't really know what to do, I let her know I've never kissed anyone before. But she knows what to do. Unlike me, she's been with many people before. She gets on top of me and kisses me. It was a bit awkward at first. But it's something I could definitely get used to. in the past couple weeks I've quite enjoyed kissing.
I'll spare you the details, so lets just say I didn't stop her when she reached her hand down my pants.
Afterwards she mentioned something about her being trouble, which I promptly ignored. I also ignored the picture of a guy on her fridge. And when she mentioned that she's had quite a few partners, I just said, "Whatever." To be honest, none of this was a problem, nor is it really a problem now. The thing that bothered me more was: I asked her if I could call her my girlfriend, but she said no. She didn't want to date. So we were just friends... with benefits. Isn't that what every guy wants? I didn't argue, but I was looking for more than that. Nevertheless, I wasn't about to throw away what I had just because I wanted more. But Storm says it isn't because doesn't care about me, and she even says that I ought to get myself a girlfriend (but that she can't be that one).
The next wednesday (the day before valentines), we hang out again, actually doing work for a couple of hours until I ask her if she wants to make out. This time it actually ends in sex. Sex... is about what I thought it would be. Maybe I'm weird, or maybe I'm bad at it, but to be honest, I almost prefered to just hold her, cuddle and kiss, than to fuck her. It feels more meaningful, more true, more relaxing, more pleasant, more fulfilling to hold someone. That night I got to lay with her in her bed, and we held each other. We talked about things which I don't feel I have the right to mention, even under her pseudonym. She mentions again that I should go get a girlfriend... I wish I hadn't had class the next day. To wake up with her in my arms would have been a great joy. But I had to leave eventually, or I'd never wake up in time for class. I finally left at 3 am, a smile on my face. That smile pretty much stayed there for 2 days straight.
We enjoyed each other a couple more times. My favorite was when we went to a piano. I play improvisational piano fairly well, and she wanted to hear me play, so I intended to take her to the best piano on campus I know of that I have access to. It was in an open lounge, and it was a Grand Yamaha. But when we arrived we realized that the key to it (the keyboard was locked so people had to get permission to use it), the key to it was broken. I couldn't play on it. I was disapointed. But I wasn't going to give up. So instead I got the key to a music room downstairs, in the middle of nowhere where no one walks, with a less than perfect upright piano. We go into the secluded room and I sit at the piano, with Storm next to me, and begin to play.
"It's beautiful," she said.
After a bit I mention that I play better when I'm distracted because my fingers just know where to go. To be honest, I really think I do. But there was a bit more of a reason for me to say that. Soon, I start to kiss her between songs. That was phenomenal. I love playing piano, and I also love kissing, so right next to each other the activities complement each other. But the best part is up next. After a song, I'm holding her and kissing her, and I say "Wait, don't stop." I reach over with my right hand, while still kissing her, and start to play piano one handed. Now I'm just showing off, as she astutely notes. But that's most fun thing I think I've -- ever -- done. I hope I find another girl I can make out with while playing piano, it's pretty much the greatest thing in the world.
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Aside: I don't think I would want to have sex in a practice room. It just doesn't feel right. Like a misuse of reasources. Plus, I would feel bad for all the people who have to play there, unknowingly in the place that I did it... And to top it off, I don't think I'm ready to have sex in a public place.
Later that night she had invited some people over to smoke weed. They kind've cock-blocked me, and I don't smoke, so it wasn't terribly exciting. I was glad that I have the willpower to not smoke, even when it's handed right to me. It makes me think I've got more willpower than I usually think I do.
So last saturday we hung out again. This will be the last time I ever go over to her apartment alone, the last time I kiss her. We hang out, do homework. I kiss her, but this day she finally tells me the complete reason why she won't date me, and why she thinks I should find someone else. You see, she had this boyfriend in highschool, who she dated for two years, and she still loves. There are only two problems: she is a bit of a slut (she admits herself) and he doesn't like that, and he isn't living in this city currently. But next semester he is planning on moving and attending this university, and she told him she'd change her ways. So our hooking up was a mistake on her part. She doesn't plan on telling him she got lonely, messed up. I think she should tell him, but it's not my place to tell her that. But now that I know everything, I'll help her out, and not tempt her. And I will. I'm not going to help her do something she'll feel terrible about. She wanted me, but more than anything she wants someone else.
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Aside: I think that an ideal realtionship isn't necessarily monogamous. Jealousy isn't a good thing. But it is a natural thing. So I'm not sure I could handle an open relationship. If I get jealous when she gets with other guys, she shouldn't get with other guys (same goes both ways). But if somehow I don't get jealous... then there's no problem right? But the most important thing is trust. If my girl were to hide and lie about what she does with other guys, it doesn't matter how open our relationship is. That is bad.
I'm disapointed that I'll never kiss those lips again. But I'm happy I got to. At least my lonelyness got staved off just a bit. And we're still friends. We'll still sit next to each other in class, chat like friends. But I'm not going to go over to "do homework" alone with her. And the best part of ending things on a friendship note: if things don't go well when I try to ask out the next girl on my queue, I can ask her if she can find me a blind date. Smooth, eh?
So maybe her old boyfriend will come back, maybe he'll want her back, and maybe I'll never be intimate with her again. Or maybe He wont want her, and she'll want me back. I don't care. While it's a possibility, I'm not going to count on it. For now, Storm and I are strictly friends - No benefits. And I'll look for someone else.
TL;DR: I just had sex