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Hi, my name is Fred Salazar and I have suffered from clinical depression for the past 16-18 years of my life. I'm not sure what caused me to feel this way, but as long as I could remember, I felt that I wasn't good enough to partake in society. I would constantly belittle myself to a point where it made me sad, alone and isolated. Anytime anyone would try to befriend me, I would try my best to be a good friend, but I would find a way or reason to push them away.
I remember in high school how scared and anxious I would be after school. Instead of taking the bus, I would go to the back of the school and walk to a field where I would literally sit there alone for 3 hours. I would then walk to my uncle Joe’s and tell him I was at a friend’s house so he wouldn't suspect anything. My mother would then pick me up, thinking I was at my uncles the entire time. I did this my entire sophomore and junior year.
My depression eventually developed into a social anxiety disorder. Every time I would speak to someone I did not know I would suffer from panic attacks. I got so used to it, that I became really good at hiding it. I couldn't enjoy the simple things in life such as holding my baby nephew because of the constant thought and anxiety that everyone was staring at me, wondering if I was somehow going to act the wrong way or do the wrong thing. I couldn't even pump gas at a gas station without feeling the world was looking down upon me.
I hid behind non-social activities such as gaming. It was a way of freeing myself from the constant loneliness and keeping my mind busy. While I do enjoy them, I was forcing myself to play up to 50-70 hours a week.
Somehow by the grace of god, I met Lacey. She saw past the curtain I was putting between me and the world, and saw the heart that I have. As the years went by, she did her best to try and make me happy, but could not. Even though she will not admit it, living with someone in depression eventually brings you down. Eventually she had to leave not only for herself, but for me.
Her leaving obviously escalated my depression to new levels. I attempted suicide in 3 different occasions. During the third attempt, my family finally learned of my depression. They were in shock, as I expected since I was so good at hiding it from everyone. They tried their best to give me their love and support, but I could not grasp it inside and feel good about myself.
To me, I thought that there was nothing wrong, and this is the way god had made me. Kathy, my mother in law who is a drug counselor spoke with me about depression, and how it affects the mind. I eventually agreed to speak with a therapist who explained to me about how a depressed mind works. Pretty much it came down to a chemical imbalance within my brain where I was not receiving enough serotonin which makes me feel contempt with myself.
I fought with myself and everyone around me about taking medication. I was so badly affected by my illness that I thought god meant for me to be miserable and alone. After watching what I was doing to my family and to Lacey, I came to the decision to try them. The first week was pure haze, but during the second week I started to feel improvement, which my mind fought against. I laid in bed for two days straight, trying to fight the feeling of happiness. It was like this wall I created to shelter me from the world started to come down around me, and at the end, the real Fred emerged. So far, I have had the greatest two weeks of my life. The greatest feeling for me was at my cousins wedding, holding my baby nephew, watching my entire family dancing. I thought to myself, this is what true happiness feels like, and now I can enjoy it.
For anyone out there going through depression or social anxiety, it may not seem like it, but there is hope by means of psychiatric counseling or medication. I was as deeply depressed and felt lifeless until I realized life can be beautiful if you let it in.
I wanted to share this especially with my fellow gamers, as I know there are quite a few of us that suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder. Just remember that inside, you are a great person and you deserve it to yourself to enjoy life to the fullest, whether its pullin an all nighter on starcraft, or spending time with loved ones. Enjoy yourself.
  
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Good story. So what ended up happening to Lacey?
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Very inspirational. Where are you now (like career-wise, people around you, etc.)?
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Me and Lacey are still seperated, but I'm ok with that. The beauty is at least now I can have a conversation as a normal human being with her. Before, it was impossible to have a conversation with her due to my irrational behavior. I'm not sure what the future holds for us, but I can tell you I wish nothing but happiness for her whether it is with me or through a different means. I only want the best for her and her family in the end.
As for my career, I've always had security behind that since I work for my family. They knew I was anti-social, so they covered for me through out the years by dealing with the social aspect while I covered the technical side. Now, I am sooo much better at communicating not only with coworkers, but with my customers. I couldn't emphasize the amount of change that has happened to me.
As for people around me, I've learned that people are forgiving. I've rekindled friendships that I never knew could be repaired. Im grateful for everyday now, and it just seems to keep getting better and better. I look back to those feelings of loneliness, and realize that it was just an ailment that was preventing me from enjoying life.
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How did you and Lacey meet?
Also many people online say that antidepressants made their lives worse. Consider both sides of the story and be careful.
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awesome man! congrats!
so when did this all take place for you? how long have you been on the meds now??
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Its kind of crazy how we met. 2 years outta high school my life was going no where as all I did was work and game. I decided to try to battle through the anxiety and depression by the only way I knew how.. drinking heavily and getting that so called "Liquid Courage". With the money I saved, I was also able to buy a nice car, which obviously helped with the lady factor.
I thought to myself, if I get out there and hook up with all sorts of women, that would definitely make me happy. All it did was make me feel more like a piece of shit, mainly because I was doing things in my heart I really did not want to do, and partially because the next day effect of alcohol on my already low seratonin levels. My mind was so against feeling good about myself, it would bring me to horrible lows the next day. All I could think was how stupid I acted or what stupid things I said the night before when in reality they weren't even bad.
Lacey was a girl that was very strong willed and was more of the leader of her pack. I thought she was way out of my league, so I instead went after her friends, lol. She actually used to just hook me up with her friends on purpose for some reason. One night, (obviously drunk as shit) I finally made a move, which she rejected obviously. After that, we became friends, and one thing led to another. She truly is something amazing to look past all the bullshit I was pulling over everyone and saw the real me.
With Lacey, I stopped drinking as I thought this is what I needed to make me happy. I made the mistake by revolving my own happiness around my relationship. As the years went by, my depression began to escalate, as did my social anxiety. I simply could not do things such as go grocery shopping or paying bills over the phone without Lacey being around. Family activities were just not possible without her. I would outlash in negative ways towards her when some event would come up that we would have to attend, just because I would be so uncomfortable. Thus, we come to the present situation.
I know there are negative aspects to anti-depressants, but I tried other aspects and they simply did not work. Right now I truly feel that one day feeling like this is way worth it. The relief of being able to do normal activities such as pumping gas at a gas station or grocery shopping while feeling comfortable was just not possible.
I've been on the meds for 3.5 weeks, and its been amazing, if there was ever a candidate for this, it was me. I plan on taking this for a year in hopes my mind becomes chemically balanced with the right levels I need. At that point, I will slowly come off the medication. My doctor said that with the amount of time I've been depressed though, chances are I will be on them for life.. which I am perfectly content with. I never want to go back to those feelings again.
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awesome that you recognized what your issues were with yourself and your relationship, and you're taking steps to correct them. Hope everything works out for you!!
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You sound like a good guy. I can't imagine what living like that was like. Glad things are getting better man. Keep it up!
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Sounds like she was very nice to you and you had some fun in Uni.
Thanks for the last message in the OP too. I will!
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Nice read, and very courageous of you to share it with us.
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Thank you all for your kind words and support. I truly feel that all gamers are just one big family, and that love shows when we gather together for events such as mlg and gsl.
I really would like to get my story out there in hopes it reaches others that are dealing with similar situations. If you have any recommendations, please let me know.
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EPT
