EPT
3
steve ponker is walking hurriedly towards us, his chest puffed out in that uncomfortable strange fashion of his. he tells us to build a bote because management wants to kill all the boring people with water. we weren't on the list so we have to figure out how to save ourselves. that is so unfair. but it implicitly recognizes how cool we are. damn, at least first percentile here. haploid you hear this?
haploid passes the bong and few seconds later my mind is rotating like wheels made of bricks on a rainbow motorcycle. clonks of lucidity interspersed evenly with exhilaration. “not really” he says, scratching his asshole with genuine nonchalance. yeah i don’t remember what i asked him and sheepishly admit so. “you guys are ruining your lives, IDIOTS” steve ponker says as he stalks away.
the next morning me and haploid are crying. these boring people can’t help but be boring! and drowning seems so horrible. lol we’re so disgusting from crying so miserably, there’s snot all over our faces and hands. but it’s raining, so we lie in the mud and get a free shitty cold shower to clear our heads.
4
we make a plan that requires meeting people. UGH. me and haploid, we write up a petition and go canvassing door to door in their little stupid neighborhoods. nobody listens, and at the end of the day it’s just me and haploid, these two sweet girls that are into amateur porn, a homeless guy and one politician and one scientist that signs their name on this petition. their occupations don’t really play a role in the story, they are just details so don’t bother remember thing them. so we show steve ponker this petition and he says “no” so we leave.
whelp
5
so i don’t know shit about botes. haploid reads the wikipedia article for botes and ends up actually crying because it’s impossible. we can spell it now though, it's actually boat. is a boat an color or a dimension? we are soooooooo stupid. why is it that sometimes when you throw a thing into the water it floats and other times it sinks? it makes no sense.
a cute little cat paw appears under the doorway swiping at nothing in particular. god it’s so cute. a cat paw always looks fake, because of how clean and how it corresponds 100% to your preexisting idea of what a cat’s paw is like. oh i see it is slapping oxygen molecules, hitting millions dead on each time. cats are crazy huh.
an idea strikes me (not literally). haploid why don’t you use your infinite magic powers to just make stuff and we can make an eggsperiment? oh yeah lol good idea. he begins to imagine things and deposit them on the ocean. we can do this by trial and error! just make all the things that exist in the world one by one and see if we can sit on them on water.
today so far we have determined the first law of boat, that any boat that will float must be crayon brown. bear floats, antelope floats, poop floats, and tree floats. our friends, the two girls and the homeless guy and politician and scientist, they keep drowning trying to test the appropriateness of bears as a legitimate mode of aquatic conveyance but haploid always manages to catch all of their souls and stuff them back into the bodies before steve ponker finds out. progress!
