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Disclaimer: The following is a true story. I did not embellish in any way.
So, I'm walking back home from college about 20 minutes ago, and I'm about two-thirds of the way home. Ahead of me, I see two cop cars parked at the base of a hilled road with gates on it to prevent cars from getting through. Since I walked to school via the same road only a few hours prior, and saw nothing suspicious, I'm a bit curious, but I keep walking.
After I begin ascending the hill, I notice a figure about 100 feet or so ahead of me, dressed only in white. In my mind, I wonder if there's a connection between the cops and this person, but I write it off as coincidence.
The hilled road stops at a T-junction with the street I live on; the figure in white starts to cross the road, but for some reason, the person stops mid-step, and backtracks to the intersection. Almost like the person is waiting for me.
I get closer, and see that the figure is an elderly (guesstimate mid-70s) guy with THE POINTIEST FUCKING EARS EVER. Seriously, he looked like Bilbo crossed with Elrond. Strange shit. He also was completely bald, and had a weird yellow satchel tied around his waist with a black string.
As I go to pass him to get to my house, he turns towards me with the happiest grin ever. He's all like "Oh, you caught me during my therapy!"
Wtf? Why did you need to tell me that? And why should I care? And what the hell kind of therapy involves tying a colostomy bag or whatever to your pelvis?
And then he goes, "Hey, have I met you before? I thought I saw you walk by this road before... Do you go to <insert college I go to>?"
At this point, I'm thinking this guy is a bit creepy, but I'm not going to be a dick to him just because he looks like Mr. Spock in forty years. So, I spend a minute talking to him to be polite. As the conversation progresses, I'm getting steadily creeped out by the man, because when he asks why I don't drive to school, I tell him I don't have a driver's license yet*; once I say this, he turns into Mr. Overly Attentive to Detail, and keeps talking about how "lean" and "fit" and "spry" I am. I'm pretty skinny, but come on, you don't need to focus on that for thirty seconds of chatting time.
So the conversation winds down, and the elf-man asks if I need a ride back to my house. Conveniently for me, my house is about 500 feet from the T-junction, so I decline as politely as I can, saying I need the exercise. (It's true, I'm not the most fit person in the world.) He smiles and bids me farewell, and I start walking again.
About twenty seconds later, I hear a vehicle coming up behind me. It's that guy again, who somehow managed to wizard a van into existence.
Yes, the stereotypical creepy pedophile van. White body, tinted black windows.
Again, he offers me a ride, but I explain where my house is relative to my current location. At this, he seems... almost disappointed, and drives off.
I'm not sure what to think at this point. Did Grampa Legolas try to molest me, or am I just being paranoid about an admittedly eerie situation?
+ Show Spoiler +*Yes, it is true that I'm in college without a driver's license. I don't really need it, since the parking there is goddamn horrendous. It's a nightmare that I can easily avoid by just walking to and from school. Therefore, I don't need any trollish comments about "LOL U CANT DRIVE DUUR". Thanks.
 
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I can't drive either. I live in a city with good public transportation. If the subway isn't running then I can take a tram or a bus. No big deal.
Anyway that guy was you from the future. Or something.
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He wanted to put his One Ring into your Mount Doom imo.
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LOL wow, yeah man i think he was trying to use your penis as a magic wand for sure. thats... creepy
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I would have gtfo the moment he mentioned that therapy nonsense.
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You should tell the police or something, this guy is definately a weirdo.
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Vatican City State2594 Posts
When I was 18 and ran away from home I lived a 40 minute walk away from my temp agency and I worked 11+ hours a day of heavy manual labor. I didn't have money for a bus. I didn't have a bicycle (the one I had was broken, although I did eventually steal one or two). I was starving, broke as shit, and in constant pain all the time. So, I had to take advantage of pedophiles in order to get shit I needed.
In Roanoke VA there seems to be a huge demographic of homosexual pedophilic Vietnam war veterans. HPVWV 1 would literally patrol my neighborhood apparently looking for young kids. At the time I looked probably around 15-16 so I fit the bill. He would give me a ride to work and sometimes from work around once a week, each time he would buy me a tall boy (beer), and try to put his hand on my lap, but because my work was only a 5-10 minute drive from my house, he never had enough time to do more sneaky shit.
HPVWV 2 came into the cafe/convenience store I stole wifi from (in exchange for cleaning it up sometimes) and was like "Who wants to drink some beer!" Naturally I got up, packed up, and walked back to his house. After four or five steel reserves (ugh) he put his hand on my lap and said "I'm sure that by now you know I'm gay. I just want to let you know that if you ever need your dick sucked, I'll do it gladly." To this I responded: "No thanks, I'm straight." He said: "That's what they all say." At this point I excused myself to go home, since it was like 2 am. He invited me over other times and I went, but it never got anywhere, and eventually he stopped fishing.
HPVWV 3 was another temp employee in my agency and for a while he was my driver to work (the place where I work was another 40-50 minute car drive away from the agency). When there were multiple passengers everything was straight (oh), but when for some reason it was just him and me, he would tell all these crazy stories about how when he was a marine he did all this gay shit in times of hardship with his platoon or whatever, and I was like "Yo wtf do you know how many women got raped in Vietnam? Why didn't you get in on that?" and that's when he revealed that he actually hates women and that's why he doesn't talk much when one of our female coworkers would get a ride from him. I suspected that he had mommy issues, so I talked it out with him once on one of those trips, ever since then he always drove me for free and bought me lunch.
TL;DR: Take advantage of them, not the other way around. Nighty night, keep your butthole tight.
EDIT: These are only 3 of the more prominent ones, there were plenty of others who I guess didn't approach me as much, probably because they knew that the others claimed dibs on me or something... IDK. Maybe I wasn't their flavor.
EDIT 2: I guess my landlord was the fourth most prominent, he let me have the whole house for the price of 1 room and he let me fall behind 3 months on rent. All because I took care of his dogs and did his yardwork shirtless*. I think he was actually a WW2 vet so I have to make a new category.
EDIT 3: FUCK that was a bad slip
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do you look younger than your age ?
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Did anyone else of think of the old man from Family Guy while reading this? As in reading the lines in his voice?
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On November 11 2010 06:44 MGren wrote:
You should tell the police or something, this guy is definately a weirdo.
I could, but what would I say? That an elf tried to grab my pee-pee? I don't know anything about this guy, so I have nothing to report. >_> And I have no idea if he was really a creep, or just an innocuous old man.
On November 11 2010 06:45 besiger wrote:
do you look younger than your age ?
I don't think I do. I'm fairly tall (about six feet), so I'm sure I'm not mistakable for a kid.
Lol at all the Lord of the Rings jokes.
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There's no reason to not get a driver's license. How are you going to buy beer when you're 21?!
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I don't think the term "pedophile" really applies here. It's not like you are or really appear to be a child in any way, at least from your own description. As such, it's rather unfair for you to label this man with the term.
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On November 11 2010 07:01 ProTech_MediC wrote:
There's no reason to not get a driver's license. How are you going to buy beer when you're 21?!
I don't see the appeal in drinking.
On November 11 2010 07:04 Draconizard wrote:
I don't think the term "pedophile" really applies here. It's not like you are or really appear to be a child in any way, at least from your own description. As such, it's rather unfair for you to label this man with the term.
Well, yeah, you're right. I wanted this blog to be somewhat humorous though, and the phrase "pedophile elf" tends to be more amusing than "elfin-featured man with a penchant for grasping penises". I'd like to be clear, I'm not convinced that this guy was anything other than a friendly old man, but the sheer weirdness of the encounter was enough for this blog to be made.
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On November 11 2010 07:01 ProTech_MediC wrote:
There's no reason to not get a driver's license. How are you going to buy beer when you're 21?!
State ID
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How can he be a pedophile if you're old enough for a drivers license ? o_O
Creepy story though :p
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wow what in the hell LOL
that is creepy as fuck. I possibly would have reported him
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United States4126 Posts
This is one of the more interesting blogs I've read. Especially with the addition of Murderotica's experiences.
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This is why I never stop walking even when a stranger on the side starts a quick conversation or asks a question.
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On November 11 2010 06:48 Judicator wrote:
Did anyone else of think of the old man from Family Guy while reading this? As in reading the lines in his voice?
I couldn't avoid it if I tried.
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On November 11 2010 07:09 Aeres wrote:
Well, yeah, you're right. I wanted this blog to be somewhat humorous though, and the phrase "pedophile elf" tends to be more amusing than "elfin-featured man with a penchant for grasping penises". I'd like to be clear, I'm not convinced that this guy was anything other than a friendly old man, but the sheer weirdness of the encounter was enough for this blog to be made.
penis-grabbing pruny elf
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Get a driver's license asap. Even if you don't drive until a good five years down the line, simply having HAD the license for all those years will slash your insurance premium. It's also very convenient to have an ID on you that's accepted anywhere in the US.
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wow, fanatacist, your post is pretty epic
were you ever worried you'd get raped or would you just kick his ass?
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Vatican City State2594 Posts
Idk about kicking anyone's ass but i could definitely have run away from all of them. It's hard to rape a person in a car when they are in the passenger seat, therefore a lot closer to the door than they are to you as well. I just saw it for what it was - easy beer + rides.
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That's hilarious! I really did think about that guy in Family guy.
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Wow that sounds pretty unbelievable, it sounds a bit like Herbert from Family guy. Though I dont see the point of getting a driver's license or permit, Im 19 and I use my passport card instead.
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On November 11 2010 08:53 SonuvBob wrote:Show nested quote +On November 11 2010 06:48 Judicator wrote:
Did anyone else of think of the old man from Family Guy while reading this? As in reading the lines in his voice? I couldn't avoid it if I tried.
Thirded, I couldn't help it either.
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lol i love how murder just came in and trumped the OP
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Vatican City State2594 Posts
I was just relating to him >> and giving advice on how to best profit from what seems to be a negative situation!
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On November 11 2010 10:57 Murderotica wrote:
I was just relating to him >> and giving advice on how to best profit from what seems to be a negative situation!
Just like how you related to those pedos?
Seriously, you stole the thunder of my creepy guy story by posting a bunch of your own. I am so sad now.
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Vatican City State2594 Posts
On November 11 2010 11:04 Aeres wrote:Show nested quote +On November 11 2010 10:57 Murderotica wrote:
I was just relating to him >> and giving advice on how to best profit from what seems to be a negative situation! Just like how you related to those pedos? Seriously, you stole the thunder of my creepy guy story by posting a bunch of your own. I am so sad now.
Haha I guess I kind of did relate to them but no mostly I took advantage of them while giving them a glimpse of the prize at the end of the road that they would never get. Carrot in front of donkey's face.
Sorry bro, shit happens, you're not the only jailbait here.
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On November 11 2010 09:33 travis wrote:
wow, fanatacist, your post is pretty epic
were you ever worried you'd get raped or would you just kick his ass?
Is this common knowledge or did it make anyone else go "O_O wat"?
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On November 11 2010 11:23 Wohmfg wrote:Show nested quote +On November 11 2010 09:33 travis wrote:
wow, fanatacist, your post is pretty epic
were you ever worried you'd get raped or would you just kick his ass? Is this common knowledge or did it make anyone else go "O_O wat"?
If you paid attention, you'd know Murderotica = Fanatacist.
For instance, the blog he made a while back where he openly said he was.
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Dude, this reminds me of my 6th grade substitute teacher.
So one my teachers gets pregnant, and needs a sub for like 4 months. And so the school calls this old guy, who was a former teacher at the county, and was a very respected person. All the kids liked him and stuff. So about a year later, after he's gone, we hear on the news that this guy tried to molest some girl in Ohio. Then he admitted to raping hundreds of girls when he taught at our school system, and stuff. I was shocked, and really grossed out.
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/172099/retired_teacher_gets_15_years_in_prison.html
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Way to steal all of the OP's thunder Murderotica. Fantastic post. 
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I loved that... hm darn it, seems so appropriate especially with that huge thread over at General.
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Canada7170 Posts
This blog is hilarious because I'm drunk. Look forward to reading it when sober.
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Canada7170 Posts
On November 11 2010 16:43 mikeymoo wrote:
This blog is hilarious because I'm drunk. Look forward to reading it when sober.
Mildly disappointed but fana saves the day.
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EPT
