Contemplating Suicide - Page 6

On August 05 2010 02:46 Babel wrote:
Look at OP's post history, he's clearly a troll. This blog directly contradicts this blog: http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?topic_id=132865

Don't feed the troll.

OP, fuck off.

On August 05 2010 05:55 Nokarot wrote:
As someone who has lost not one, but two special someones- One of which is dead, and the other of which was suicidal herself the last time I spoke to her, unable to track her, leading me to imagine only the worst- I saw this thread and, unfortunately for me, started typing.

I'm an obese ~280 lb 6 foot tall gaming nerd. Years ago I was on Paxil for quite a long time, until declared "mentally stable," or that my depression had gone away. Recently, it came back, and I was on an extremely high dosage of Prozac for a few months before I eventually ceased medication in my own stupidity. For my high school life, I dropped out of high school as a freshmen, sat on my ass for 4 years playing video games, and acquired my GED with absolutely no study and got maybe a 1600 on my SAT. I've lived in 18 houses in 2 countries and a few states, rarely getting to know people long enough to be friends for life (especially before the internet became big). I attend a dead-end for-profit college, accumulating loans out the ass, getting the best grades I can in attempt to get out and socialize more, but usually end up sitting in the corner every class alone for 3 hours. In my prime, before the depression came back and I went on prozac, I was ~65 pounds lighter, had an acceptable social life and was happy with myself.

Now my brain is so fucked up that I've chugged pills just for 72-hour bouts of insomnia, something which has happened more than once in the last year. Right now I'm running on only 4 hours of sleep in the last 72 hours (two of which were class days), so forgive me if you aren't a fan of my reality check. Given all that I've just written, all the sudden memories that I've just been reminded of after only briefly mentioning them (to which will only add on to the hours I'll be awake), and my mental fucked up state that I try to hide so that I can participate in the briefest weekly social moments of my life.

I've considered deleting this entire text box for about 15 minutes now, but maybe it will benefit somebody. I've made so many revisions- so many areas deleted and rewritten, so many details I'm too scared to remember, let alone describe. Reading any posts about depression reminds me of my own mental prison I've lived in for years, and now that that cage is open, I fear that typing it out is the only way I'll be able to get it out of my head.

Being antisocial is the least threatening thing in life. Imagine being social and losing everyone you've ever truly cared for, trying again after 3 years of therapy and medication, and it happening all over again. To those who say "Its better to have loved and lost," I invite you in to my world. A world where even if your dad suggests you go ride a bike and work out, you don't ignore his advice out of laziness, but out of sheer mental inability to get up out of bed. A day goes by where your mind is too busy to tell your legs to carry you to the bathroom- a week goes by that, despite living with your parents, nobody notices you haven't left the basement.

I envy the day when I thought being antisocial in high school was hard. What the fuck are you really even doing here? This is a website forum. Aside from the allegations that you're lying (although its possible your previous blog was a lie and this one is the truth,) what exactly do you expect to gain here?

Just go ahead and pull the trigger if you have too much pride to help yourself or to ask for help. It's only your life, after all. Better yet, I'll trade you- then you can do it.

On August 05 2010 05:55 Nokarot wrote:
As someone who has lost not one, but two special someones- One of which is dead, and the other of which was suicidal herself the last time I spoke to her, unable to track her, leading me to imagine only the worst- I saw this thread and, unfortunately for me, started typing.

I'm an obese ~280 lb 6 foot tall gaming nerd. Years ago I was on Paxil for quite a long time, until declared "mentally stable," or that my depression had gone away. Recently, it came back, and I was on an extremely high dosage of Prozac for a few months before I eventually ceased medication in my own stupidity. For my high school life, I dropped out of high school as a freshmen, sat on my ass for 4 years playing video games, and acquired my GED with absolutely no study and got maybe a 1600 on my SAT. I've lived in 18 houses in 2 countries and a few states, rarely getting to know people long enough to be friends for life (especially before the internet became big). I attend a dead-end for-profit college, accumulating loans out the ass, getting the best grades I can in attempt to get out and socialize more, but usually end up sitting in the corner every class alone for 3 hours. In my prime, before the depression came back and I went on prozac, I was ~65 pounds lighter, had an acceptable social life and was happy with myself.

Now my brain is so fucked up that I've chugged pills just for 72-hour bouts of insomnia, something which has happened more than once in the last year. Right now I'm running on only 4 hours of sleep in the last 72 hours (two of which were class days), so forgive me if you aren't a fan of my reality check. Given all that I've just written, all the sudden memories that I've just been reminded of after only briefly mentioning them (to which will only add on to the hours I'll be awake), and my mental fucked up state that I try to hide so that I can participate in the briefest weekly social moments of my life.

I've considered deleting this entire text box for about 15 minutes now, but maybe it will benefit somebody. I've made so many revisions- so many areas deleted and rewritten, so many details I'm too scared to remember, let alone describe. Reading any posts about depression reminds me of my own mental prison I've lived in for years, and now that that cage is open, I fear that typing it out is the only way I'll be able to get it out of my head.

Being antisocial is the least threatening thing in life. Imagine being social and losing everyone you've ever truly cared for, trying again after 3 years of therapy and medication, and it happening all over again. To those who say "Its better to have loved and lost," I invite you in to my world. A world where even if your dad suggests you go ride a bike and work out, you don't ignore his advice out of laziness, but out of sheer mental inability to get up out of bed. A day goes by where your mind is too busy to tell your legs to carry you to the bathroom- a week goes by that, despite living with your parents, nobody notices you haven't left the basement.

I envy the day when I thought being antisocial in high school was hard. What the fuck are you really even doing here? This is a website forum. Aside from the allegations that you're lying (although its possible your previous blog was a lie and this one is the truth,) what exactly do you expect to gain here?

Just go ahead and pull the trigger if you have too much pride to help yourself or to ask for help. It's only your life, after all. Better yet, I'll trade you- then you can do it.

So, to start off, I finished my junior (3rd year of college) and am getting ready for my senior year and the real world. But the past 3 years have been hectic. I got bad grades throughout my college years, and at one point was close to being dismissed because of my poor gpa. I took a summer course to remediate myself this summer, and am about to get an A in the class, which would bring up my average to over a 2.0 (I know, absolutely terrible

On August 04 2010 11:53 RAUS wrote:
In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

depression in high school is not an uncommon thing. High school sucks. Realize that it gets better. However, as none of us are mental health specialists, i would recommend talking to someone who knows what you've been through. call the number, let them change your mind.

On August 04 2010 11:58 starfries wrote:

Why won't it happen? As we were walking back from the gym my friend mentioned that he has more respect for the fat guys sweating it up on the treadmill than bodybuilders benching 300 pounds. It's true, you might think you look ridiculous but most people will respect the effort. And you're not going to the gym to pick up girls (please don't do this ever, it is the epitome of douche). You don't really have to think about it, just set a plan and do it. After you start working out, your life will start to fall into place as your self-esteem goes up.

On August 04 2010 11:53 RAUS wrote:
In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

depression in high school is not an uncommon thing. High school sucks. Realize that it gets better. However, as none of us are mental health specialists, i would recommend talking to someone who knows what you've been through. call the number, let them change your mind.

Unless your situation is this shit you don't deserve to be depressed enough to commit suicide.