Well somehow, and barely, I am still around. I have been stuck in unrivalled depression these last couple months, but I think I am ready to do something about it now. Or at least try.
Ridicule me as you want, but I previously said I have never been involved in any kind of romantic relationship. I still have yet to feel the soft touch of a girl’s hands in my own or the warm embrace of their arms around me. Whether these phenomena even exist, I can only project based on expectations observed from others’ experiences.
So after my documented failures with a certain girl (go look up in my previous blogs if you’re curious), there was no turbulent emotional distress. My reaction was subdued. Looking back, it may have been my hopes that she might change her mind after a sufficient amount of time. The school term started again in September and we once again met in class, and I got to see her four times a week. I always looked forward to our encounters. I was well aware of the importance of not appearing too needy.
We got along well as friends as before. But as the weeks passed, I was constantly painfully reminded that her social life beyond the classroom was strictly to my exclusion. It seemed she had become very close friends with two other girls in the same circle of acquaintances, one which I may once have been part of, but evidently no longer. My master eavesdropping skills could register their sharing of personal thoughts and activities. I had great apprehension in trying to jump my way into part of their conversation, lest I betray my creepy stalkerish ways. Each time I longed for an invitation to participate, but it hurt when it never came.
Then I played a certain game called Braid. *Spoilers for Braid* Since the game is short I don’t think people will mind. The finale of the game when Tim’s rescue was reversed into his chase instead had a strong impact on me. Maybe I, like Tim, was just too obsessive over this girl. *End Spoilers*
Perhaps in another context, this undying devotion might be respectable, the golden attributes of faithfulness and affection. But it looks like that in my story, they are the qualities of the stalkerish antagonist. The time for me to let go has long been overdue. Now this is only one of the several factors that have been weighing me down, but is certainly one with the most emotional dimension to it.
It may seem silly to you that this life noob has taken so long to figure this out, to be so heavily affected by this single girl. In another context, it could have been the right approach. I can defend my lack of dating experimentation to my philosophy of one shot, one kill. I really have no interest in dating anyone without serious long term relationship viability and success. Thus I keep my standards high, and am not easily impressed or attracted to a potential. So this time I have poured all my hopes into a one-sided investment... I guess it’s time to salvage the remnants of this fallacy.
Wow, I think I know what you're going through. It sucks for sure. But there are other girls (though even for me I can't seem to think that yet), I'm sure you'll find the right one for you. And also, I'm sure your future girl will appreciate of your naivity, if that makes sense.
Btw your diction and syntax is a better version of my blogs, haha.
I'm glad you have the self-consciousness to release someone who has obviously meant alot to you. obsession is never a good thing, and it takes a lot of maturity to realize that.
Oh shut the fuck up. You want to witness real depression? Go chat with someone who has bi-polar disorder. The kind of people who are taking emotionally-numbing medication just so they don't consider killing themselves.
PS - Your writing is nothing but hyperbole. It's almost painful to read sometimes.
It took you six paragraphs to say this: I am sad. I am alone. This girl doesn't like me. This girl doesn't like me because I am creepy. Here's hoping I lose my virginity before I die!
Listen, i'm going to be a little kinder than the poster above me but he does have some merit. You can tell by your writing that diction is something very important to you and that you essentially put that hard work into making a well written blog. Maybe if you took that kind of care in your life and worked harder you wouldn't be spending time chasing pavements so to speak.
First of all I think you need to lower your standards. One great thing you can learn is just how to practice on girls that are lower on your datable scale and use them to move you into a less awkward and formitable suitor. It really sounds like you need to go out and hav some fun with anyone whether it be a girl friend or guy friend.
If youstop worrying about finding the perfect girl you might be suprised that when you stop looking and be true to yourself they will generally fall right into your lap. This might be a paradox that you will not understand until you experience it first hand.
Oh shut the fuck up. You want to witness real depression? Go chat with someone who has bi-polar disorder. The kind of people who are taking emotionally-numbing medication just so they don't consider killing themselves.
PS - Your writing is nothing but hyperbole. It's almost painful to read sometimes.
It took you six paragraphs to say this: I am sad. I am alone. This girl doesn't like me. This girl doesn't like me because I am creepy. Here's hoping I lose my virginity before I die!
The same type of bastardized simplification is possible for most forms of literary (or even non-literary) art. The OP writes in a pretty unique style and it's interesting to read.
Oh shut the fuck up. You want to witness real depression? Go chat with someone who has bi-polar disorder. The kind of people who are taking emotionally-numbing medication just so they don't consider killing themselves.
PS - Your writing is nothing but hyperbole. It's almost painful to read sometimes.
It took you six paragraphs to say this: I am sad. I am alone. This girl doesn't like me. This girl doesn't like me because I am creepy. Here's hoping I lose my virginity before I die!
I can never understand why someone takes such a stance when someone makes a blog about depression. "Shut up!" or "Get the fuck over it" or "you don't know real depression" is fucking useless antagonism just to pick on someone you perceive as weaker than yourself. Unipolar depression can be a serious condition, in many cases no less serious than bipolar. To say one is worse than the other is ignorance at its worst. It's like saying bulimia is worse than anorexia. Both forms of depression can drive you to the same horrible, self-destructive acts.
Honestly what is so bad about a blog where someone writes about coming to terms with what is the cause of their depression? Sure, the "why doesn't this girl like me?" blogs are typically terrible but that's not what this is about. Most of the people who make blogs like this are so unaware of the reasons behind their predicament that its frustrating for us to read them, but here is someone who understands it and writes about working to get over it and you jump all over him? Fuck, if you don't like to read the thoughts of someone going through a difficult time then that's your problem, but don't try to put it on him and accuse him of being some pitiful excuse for a human being.
What the hell? You just accused me of so much stuff there that I did not say. It pissed me off that he said "unrivalled". Do you know what that means? It means he is the saddest person alive. All his blogs are full of ridiculous statements like this; it's like he is just fooling around with the thesaurus feature in Microsoft Word. Unrivalled... fuck you. How may people do you know that have serious depression? Obviously not many. They hate themselves. Literally. HATE. Themselves.
This kid isn't depressed, he just likes to pretend that he is so his blog doesn't look like some emo kid's diary.
"Shut up!" or "Get the fuck over it" or "you don't know real depression" is fucking useless antagonism just to pick on someone you perceive as weaker than yourself.
Yes this might seem like that. But here's my reasoning: This kid writes a blog whining how nobody likes him and girls think he is creepy. He has posted this on the internet for millions (it's possible, though not likely) of people to read.There are comment slots for people to write what they think. I read it. I hated how it was written and how he is whining about problems we've all had to deal with. I'm not trying to pick a fight. I'm trying to tell him to STFU. If he wants to write blogs then ok. If he wants to whine all the time about how hard his life is then he can STFU.
There are people in the world who are actually depressed and kids like this make their illness seem like a joke. It is not a joke. I never called him 'pitiful', the only thing I insulted was the way he wrote it.
On November 20 2009 12:26 Shiverfish wrote: I still have yet to feel the soft touch of a girl’s hands in my own or the warm embrace of their arms around me. Whether these phenomena even exist, I can only project based on expectations observed from others’ experiences.
I won't ridicule you for not having said experiences, but the way you communicate it here sounds pretty egocentric.
On November 20 2009 12:26 Shiverfish wrote: I was well aware of the importance of not appearing too needy.
Ever consider that not appearing needy and not being needy are completely different things? Pretty big difference there.
On November 20 2009 12:26 Shiverfish wrote: I had great apprehension in trying to jump my way into part of their conversation, lest I betray my creepy stalkerish ways. Each time I longed for an invitation to participate, but it hurt when it never came.
What are you afraid of losing? This girl's approval of you? There's nothing wrong with trying to be FRIENDLY to someone you like. And by not inviting yourself into the conversation you only set yourself up to more hurt. If you want to have a conversation, go have one. They'll be receptive to it if you're being friendly, and there's nothing wrong with still liking the girl. Though, generally speaking, once she's said no, she'll probably stick to no unless you vanish for a couple of years.
On November 20 2009 12:26 Shiverfish wrote: I can defend my lack of dating experimentation to my philosophy of one shot, one kill. I really have no interest in dating anyone without serious long term relationship viability and success. Thus I keep my standards high, and am not easily impressed or attracted to a potential. So this time I have poured all my hopes into a one-sided investment... I guess it’s time to salvage the remnants of this fallacy.
Admirable that you know what you want... but at the same time, given the kinds of stuff you've written, it sounds like you're setting yourself up for a codependent relationship. Your standards should kick in AFTER you've started to date someone, to tell you whether or not you want to continue dating them. From what it sounds like now, you're evaluating not whether or not someone will be a good partner for you, but a good therapist/savior that you occasionally get physical with.
Furthermore, unless you're a fortunate enough person to have been blessed with unusual parenting and experiences, you're probably going to make tons of mistakes in your first few relationships. Better to make those mistakes sooner to learn from than later when it really counts.
what will probably happen is that u will be tired and unhappy, and then u will meet a girl that will prolly be attracted by u, and by convenience u will engage, when the girl u rly wanted to have is outside and u couldnt even try her cause u was weak
On November 20 2009 12:26 Shiverfish wrote: I can only project based on expectations observed from others’ experiences.
no turbulent emotional distress.
I was constantly painfully reminded that her social life beyond the classroom was strictly to my exclusion.
long term relationship viability and success.
remnants of this fallacy.
Some places where this writing style grates on me, since you have expressed interest in writing before. As for content, others have given good advice already and I'm sure your main objective was to speak and be heard. Hopefully you soften your rigid standards some day or they will probably cause more grief. To the person who responded "fuck you" etc, why hurl abuse at someone who is already down. Surely there are more worthy objects of your abundant hatred and scorn.
EPT
