EPTAn exercise in mental fortitude: not to post "my dick is hard". Why my brain should struggle so mightily with itself over something so stupid I shall never completely comprehend. Such is life though. Such is my life... So I must wait it out obviously. I cannot bring myself to post anything but "my dick is hard"... In my mind, it is Optimum Post. It is the ONLY post that I can envision. However, is it worth a ban? Should I martyr myself for the sake of my own sick humor? Hard to say... very hard to say. Maybe if I just wait a few minutes, think it through, someone will have posted in that time and I won\'t even have to deal with it... That's probably best.
Refresh. OK, it's been 10 minutes and still no post. I find myself spiraling towards madness. Literally. When I close my eyes all I can see is the word "madness" spinning neon, leaving trails of light, moving steadily closer. It's like I'm some drunken fool driving madly towards Vegas, eager to throw away what's left of my worth. I have typed "my dick is hard" into the comments box and deleted it about 10 times by now. I'm beginning to reflect upon the situation in a more and more philosophical manner. It's become a test of my humanity. Can I resist this subhuman craving? Can logic trump subconscious desire? Given that I currently have a rather large scab on the underside of my penis, as result of wacking off so goddam much, I can't really rate myself too highly in terms of mental strength. However, this is TL, and I need this. I cannot afford a ban right now. If I get banned I might even miss this event... Also, I need to know what that "Premonition" post means ASAP. I must know with 100% certainty. OK then, so I'll just go outside and smoke a few cigarettes and try and take my mind off things. And if I get back and no one's posted, well, I'll take it from there.
20 minutes and no first post... Have to admit I'm a little baffled by this. There's a giant banner on the front page announcing this... why o WHY has no one made a post yet? Anything will do... Obviously there has to be a higher power at work here. Perhaps it's a vast conspiracy engineered by the TL staff to weed out the freaks and trolls. Perhaps it's an intricate trap wherein there will never be a first post. And the admins are just waiting with their mouse pointers on the ban button for a troll to reveal himself... The longer I wait the more plausible this is beginning to sound. At this point it is obvious I cannot trump my desires with logic alone. The only thing preventing me from making the post now is embarrassment. The knowledge that not everyone on TL is as vile a person as I am. I have to remember that I am the only one who will derive any pleasure from such a post. I have to revert to pack instinct to save face here. But what to do? I can't just keep typing, deleting, and retyping this absurd comment. And I can't keep refreshing the page to wait for some hero to come along and make a post. I've read and reread the ingredients on every food wrapper and bottle in my room. This is the past time of a mad man obviously. I should have seen this psychological collapse coming. I can tell you the top 5 ingredients of every item carried in a convenience store... It's a miracle my mind has made it to this point running relatively smoothly. I have to get out of here. Ok I guess I'll walk over to the Campus Cafe and buy a cup of coffee...
30 goddam minutes. It's been 30 goddam minutes and no one's made a post yet. So it's finally happened. I've lost my mind and am beginning to see things. There's just no way no one's made a post yet. There's just no friggin way. I could make a topic in the General Forum about the pros and cons of a fiber rich diet and get a response in 10 minutes. iNcontrol could post a replay with "4 pool'd lol" in the description and he'd get a response in less then 15. There are 500+ people logged in right now. I cannot take much more of this. My fingers are practically typing "my dick is hard" by themselves. I've accidently Googled it about 5 times at this point. So now I have to worry about some friend finding that in my search history and having to awkwardly explain myself, while at the same time knowing he's not going to believe a word I say. I've given myself an erection reflecting on the phrase so intensely. However, all I can focus on is the comment box... And now, when I close my eyes, all I can see is dicks floating aimlessly through space. If the situation remains stagnant much longer I'm going to find myself with a whole new sexual orientation. And I'm not sure I like that idea, not at all. OK then... 5 minutes. I'll give it 5 minutes and then I'm going for it. I just don't give a fuck anymore. Never have I been so utterly aware of my own vulgar stupidity. Frustration fades and depression sets in. I'm a freak. This is not what was supposed to happen. This is not the kind of life I promised myself. If my 18 year old self could see me now, paralyzed by my own inanity, I'd probably have no trouble jumping in front of an 18 wheeler. Refresh. Refresh. REFRESH. REFRESH.
Absolution. A post has been made. At 34 minutes since OP. I don't even bother reading it, I see that's it's longer than 4 words. I don't care who it's by. I need to get out of here. I need to go reflect over what I\'ve put myself through over the past 30+ minutes. The adrenaline is slowly receding. My vision isn't blurry anymore. I've noticed that I've accidently sent "my dick is hard" to half the people on my buddy list. This is not a situation I'm ready for at the moment. Those people will have to be left offended and/or wondering for a while. I've got to go do something meaningful with my life. I have to win back some self respect or I'm going to be in a foul mood for the rest of the day. I need to go find a woman. I need to clear all the dick imagery from my mind. I need to make a misguided search for love. And I need alcohol too. I'm going to the bar.
