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I could rant about how I was feeling, circumstances, stresses, difficulties etc. but that was all yesterday's story. Today was a new day, a clear day, a good day, and I blew it. Where do I find the strength to discipline myself to work?
I should really have worked today. It was all going fine and it was going to work. Yesterday I did absolutely NO WORK while at work. My supervisor wasn't there, and I was really tired and confused about WTF I was supposed to be doing, so I ended up spending the whole day on TL.
So today I met him in the morning then he went off. But he explained everything that was holding me back, and I was set to go. I had it all laid out in front of me, all I had to do was stay off TL, and process the data, and make the graphs, and it'd have been done.
But I didn't. I spent the entire day on TL again. He won't be here tomorrow, so I can get away with not doing anything today, provided I make up for it tomorrow. But really, I have no guarantee I'll be able to make myself do the work.
That's 10 hours straight of no productivity, an entire day wasted away. All the potential and possibilities in the world, to grasp and seize my victory, but when it comes down to it, not being able to follow though with the discipline when I'm down to 'myself and the computer'.
I'm struggling to understand why it is, that I backslid today. The stuff is kinda dull, but I'm getting paid so its ok. Only one more week to go. I guess the pattern's always been: unless there's someone filling the figure of slave-master, driving me on, always keeping tabs and quotas that I have to live up to, making sure I'm always on track and not getting distracted, being a constant threat lurking in the recesses of my mind..... I don't get any much done.
But I don't want to be a slave to fear my whole life. I want to learn to be, and develop into, the sort of man who decides on a task (especially something that's "good for me"), works hard at it, follows through, and completes it without having to be driven by a fear of failure or repercussions. Is that too much too ask, that I can learn to be my own master, doing things deliberately out of willpower, rather than doing them as a last resort to avoid whatever pain/punishment/failure would come?
How to discipline, how to motivate, HOW TO BE A MAN!?
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For me its always the end goal, the light at the end of the tunnel. The payoff. Find that first, meeting and dating a cute girl, working out to get fit, finding a job that fulfills you or you enjoy. Then just doing it.
I do have to say being a 'man on a mission' is quite enjoyable. I don't nearly experience it enough right now.
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Gotta say OP I know exactly how you feel 100%. I too am very similar in this regard, except I'm not employed which is fortunate for all parties that would otherwise be involved. It's a disgusting feeling of complacency and/or laziness (but really it's more than just laziness) that you simply cannot shake off. The internet is fucking spoiling us with so much quality entertainment and information that is readily available. :/
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Yeah, but what do we do about it? How do I cultivate that FIYAAAHH that just lets me go hard, and work harder? Not easy, but oh so necessary!
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Don't even turn on TL tomorrow at work, at all. I find that if I don't check forums I won't constantly be itching to check replies and 'see if anything interesting was posted'. I've even tried only reading during a short break but then I'll just keep refreshing every few minutes after the break and it's incredibly distracting. So I guess my advice is simply go cold-turkey on social media/TL/forums during the day to focus easier. You could even see it as a reward at the end of a day to finally catch up on the world, if that's what you need to do.
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This is so true. I have no advice either but it would be nice to get some advice on this .__.
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Get a job you like, no-one can willpower through endless work without passion.
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Set goals for each hour, and punish yourself when you fail them?
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Tell yourself you're gonna get the job done no matter what (right?) and no matter how much you procrastinate and that you'll spend the same amount of time doing it now that you'd spend doing it later, so you might as well finish it now and get it off your back so you can enjoy yourself more later without it looming over your head.
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I failed again today. Half an hour's worth of work, but thousands of words in posts on TL. Daym, not having a supervisor always there to keep you on track and accountable is hard!
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Just ask few a temp ban from TL until it's done 
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EPT
