Pursuit of Happiness

I've been functionally depressed for over half a decade and found out a couple weeks ago. I'd been numbing this depression with addiction like 11/13 of my close relatives. Three weeks ago, I didn't know I was depressed, only that I had an addiction and that I was getting rid of. Without the numbing effects of dopamine overloads, I started feeling everything. It sounds weird to say, but I felt my feelings. I couldn't even talk about it. If confronted with my feelings, all I could do was scream in pain into a pillow. I've torn my rotator cuff, that hurt. But this was on a different level.

Just this Monday I stood up in front of 30 total strangers and, impromptu, gave a speech on how to become a happy person. I disclosed intimate details about me & my experiences with no problem.

Everything is now self-evident, but blurry. Where there was vacuous chaos, there is form. I'm writing this blog to help you if you read it. In my experience, the more personal something seems the more universal it actually is. But more importantly to help me. To write everything down, and then write it again in less words that have the same power. To have other people question, to have to teach, and understand and say. To boil it all down so I can reach the core process of self-improvement. The writing will be sloppy but that will improve with practice. the lessons and concepts confusing and interwoven, but clarity will improve with time. What I say is a form of the truth, it will resonate with you. I want to communicate meaning.

Here's the progression that got me into a place to deal with depression and confront my feelings, written at somebody else going through similar phase. then i realized it might help people here so im posting it

Imagine a dog. Happy little dogs, happy about everything and easily excitable. You know they get scared of stupid shit, excited about stupid shit, but they hold a joy for life that people respect and bask in. A dog's brain is the equivalent of a 2 year old child.

We are genetically predisposed to become happy. I shouldn't even say genetically, people with genetic disabilities are among the most contented and happy I've ever met. You are wired to be happy by virtue your genes made it this far in whatever form they could. It is right and natural to be happy. So if you're feeling anything but happy for longer than events in your life warrant, its not natural. You are supposed to be happy, but something in your life is preventing it.

From 2 years old on, your brain develops. The part of us that actually thinks, the voice inside your head that actually thinks, your mind, develops until you're ~20. Until you're "developed," your mind takes in information from the environment around you to form beliefs. These beliefs dictate your actions.

So we've established two things; you existed before your mind and your mind developed in an environment you had little control over. You are not your mind, and you are a product of your environment for better or for worse. Your mind is supposed to help you, its a tool used to communicate with others and accomplish things you can't on your own. You are not your mind. Your mind is a tool. Your mind is a tool shaped by the environment you grew up in which is completely arbitrary. If you're depressed, then your mind has been shaped wrong.

I'm 21. if you are there are at least two decades worth of memories inside you. Given all of these, certain thoughts and moments probably pop up in your head. It may seem like it has nothing to do with the situation, but it does. there is a reason that out of ALL of the possible memories, its these that pop out. Write that shit down. Write it all down. The reason these memories are popping up is because they're still in use. They're the moments where your mind internalized a belief that's still affecting you, and the situation you're in.

But now you're developed. You're you, and you can control your environment. Reach out, acquire the resources you need to identify your landscape. Change your environment to suit your needs. The process of escaping depression is the process of self-improvement. But I'll explain with an example first:

For me, when I was with my gf I'd think about my grandpa who passed away when I was in 2nd grade. I'd think about how the night before he died, I ate all the fried chicken. He came home from chemo, asked for a piece of the fried chicken, and I'd eaten it all. I hadn't even thought about him. Now, this is ultimately a trivial thing, but at the time I knew my grandpa was in pain and that fried chicken would help him feel better for a moment. He died and didn't get to taste fried chicken for the last time. I felt like a monster for taking that pleasure away from him.

Another memory that popped up was from this same period when I saw my mom crying in the car and trying to hide it from me, and my dad leaving to go back a couple states away to work while me & my mom were at my grandfather's house. My mom was sad and going through depression herself, my dad was leaving no matter how much I cried or begged him to stay. More memories flooded out, and more.

I got back to my hometown, my best friends since birth had moved and I wouldn't see them for years. Again, and again, and again, every time I'd get close to somebody I would lose them. It was through no fault of my own, the circumstances were always beyond my control, I'd keep reaching out and trying to connect with people, but they'd get hurt or I'd lose them. over time I internalized and carried a belief inside of me that I couldn't get close to anybody because they'd leave.

When I was with my gf, these memories would come up because we were close. and my mind would put up a wall because it hurt, and I hadn't dealt with them. This belief I didn't know I had was affecting and controlling my actions. I actually broke up with her for 3 days and felt like a monster just like I did that night I ate all the fried chicken. It was during those three days I grew more than the previous 3 years

The thing was, once I wrote all these memories down, I was distanced from my belief. I can never get close to anybody? That's silly. To remove it, I had to sit down and go through every experience again. Write it out, talk it out, and reprocess it through my fully developed mind. It wasn't my fault it ended, I couldn't control it. Again and again, it wasn't me or any of my actions. But still, I held and still hold onto a weaker version of this belief because it'd been implanted in me. To love my gf, I had to go through every painful loss in my life and re-experience it.

To get out of depression, you have to reshape your mind. Your mind is a tool that's been shaped wrong and is limiting your 2-year old self rather than aiding it. Everything in your life must be directed towards the cultivation of shaping your mind in the most possibly advantageous way for you. That's the process of self-improvement and fulfillment. Techniques are in books, talking with counselors, talking with others, etc. But the journey is about you and your mind, its personal.

You have to identify the beliefs your mind is operating under that's preventing 2-year old you from coming out. When you see them, ruthlessly beat the shit out of them like your mind is red hot metal and you're shaping it into something better. There is a part of you, evidenced by your very breath, that is full of joy at living. You just don't know how to access it and physiological changes in your brain as a result of your lifestyle prevent it from being self-evident. This part is your blacksmith, your mind is metal. You are not your mind.

Except, heres the catch, YOU ARE YOUR BLACKSMITH, but probably haven't realized it yet.

What I'm trying to say is that depression isn't you. Find that part of you that goes "well this sucks, but I'm gonna do it anyway." It's deeper than willpower, emotion, love, anything else. It's deeper than any other thing you will touch in your life. You had it once, but you lost it. Find it again. As cheesy as this might sound, that piece inside of you IS you. You must know yourself, and find yourself. Some days are the shittest downswings imaginable on top of events that just suck ass. But there's a part of you that sees it, accepts it, and laughs in joy. It's life. Happiness has to come with sadness, activity with rest. There is a whole universe of duality that exists inside your mind, but none of that is you. whatever aspect of that duality you're experiencing isn't real. There is a part of you, deep in there, which is full of joy and peace at all times, and for all emotions.

Find it. It's there. Depression means touching it and acknowledging it again. Realizing you are your own blacksmith. Once you've done this, everything else is a formality. Things will become self-evident, and even the shittiest feelings, situations, anything, become pale. They're the conditions you must live under. There is only joy, even if you're not feeling happy.

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brain is racing writing topics for later so dont forget but too tired now. already up 94 mins past bed time! these will be taking the form of magazine feature articles out of a book to help me practice for class
-heart is a muscle
-nature of willpower & habits (haji just made great post on it)
-how to find wisdom in every wound
-how self esteem works & how to make it work for you
-specifics on uprooting beliefs
-specifics on improving beliefs
-making hard decisions
-how to know yourself
-cultivating correct lifestyle
-helping others on path
-how to think
-how to not think
-what love is
-the two types of sex (but censor in mind is going off so probably wont post here)
-how to identify all what you're feeling
-make a "gift list" of gifts you'd like to receive and write stuff in it you think "man that would be nice to have but I'd never buy it" so when holidays, christmas or birthday roll around you arent caught with your pants down. well this doesnt need an article now just some advice haha

new ideas:

-How to understand what depression is if you've never had it