EPTAnyhoo, the reason I actually decided to write a blog post is because of LiquidSheth, or rather his post yesterday where he discussed his desire to lose weight. I really admire that because its very hard to face up to a problem and say, I have 'X' problem in my life, and I want to solve it. In a public forum. When your in a very public and popular team on a open stage. Because people can scrutinise you, and if you appear in a tournament or video and you don't look like you've lost weight, people can be a real jerk about that. I actually have huge respect for people for weight problems, because their problem is on display to everyone. Your walking down the street, you know your overweight, other people know your overweight, you know that other people know your... you get what I'm saying.
So anyway, what do I have to do with LiquidSheth? Well as above, he has come out and said, "I want to solve this problem", which requires a lot of courage. I'm kind of hoping that his courage might leap across the intertubz to me, because I could sure do with some. But unlike him, my problem can be hidden really really well. You can sweep it under the carpet, pretend it doesnt exist, hide it from from anyone and everyone. You can actually be this person, this total lie, for weeks and months to everyone. Which is quite handy. Because sometimes, you really don't feel like being honest or trying to open.
I've been an alcoholic for around six years. Sometimes I think alcohol years are like dog years, you know, you age seven years for every single one. I'm in my mid twenties but I sure as hell don't feel like a twentysomething, because I feel a lot more like I'm staring down the barrel of fifty. I would describe myself an alcoholic, not just because anything else would be shocking denial, but because everyone understands what I mean by that. The current medical term for it is "alcohol dependent", but rather than arguing about definitions, its just easier to say that I'm an alcoholic. Just as I imagine someone with a weight problem feels shame about their appearance, I can say for sure that there is a great deal of shame for me to sit here and say, as a young person approaching 25, that I am an alcoholic.
When you read the word "alcoholic", I imagine any number of stereotypes pop into your head. That drunk you see on the street, homeless and begging for money so they can buy the cheapest and strongest drink they can. The doctor/investment banker/successful person binging on spirits after a long day. The wife/mother drinking too much wine while their absent husband works too hard. I think everyone has this stereotype in their head of what exactly an "alcoholic" is, and every one of them is different, but the same. I would imagine that most of you think an alcoholic is someone who drinks every day, which I don't. For starters, I live with my parents, and I have to play this game where I pretend that I'm a normal person, so I can't drink sometimes when I want to. Second, I've often got to be up for work the next day early, which makes drinking every night difficult.
You can see how like all alcoholics, I play this game where I think about what are the alcoholic stereotypes, then tick off each one and say, "I don't do that, I don't do that..." etc. I don't drink every day, I don't beat up a partner (if I had one), I'm not late to work. So woohoo, I've conclusively, absolutely, without question, decided that I do not have any alcohol problem whatsoever. Sure, after a hard day at work I might indulge in a cold beer, or relax in front of a film. But that is normal behaviour for anyone. See I live in the UK, and alcohol is part of our culture in a huge way, so I'm just a normal Brit enjoying a drink.
Now what usually what happens after someone like me comes to that conclusion is that after a period time, a week, a month or even a year, your little assumption eventually gets blown away. Your behaviour totally deviates from the norm. For long periods of my life, my "normal" life has been totally different from yours. Things which appear extreme just become normal. Going to work drunk becomes normal. Hiding from your own shadow becomes normal. Cutting yourself becomes normal. Hiding drinks around the house becomes normal. Turning up at the local shop 5 minutes before it opens at 10AM becomes normal.
So now that I've rambled on a bit, I should probably drift somewhere near to the purpose of this blog post. And thats because I would really like to stop drinking. Just like someone who has a weight problem, I don't like what I see in the mirror. That person is pretty despicable. I don't like that person. I think that person does some pretty disgusting things. And more than that, I know how this story will end. Its a bit like Gambler's Ruin. Do you know what Gambler's Ruin is? (I studied mathematics at university) - Its the mathematical principle that no matter how much money you have, if you gamble long enough you will lose everything. And sooner or later, an alcoholic will lose everything.
