EPTEarlier tonight I had a learning experience, and its why I can't sleep. I'm back in my home town on break and I realized something; I'm a god damn pussy. I'm on the phone with this girl I like and she's telling me about how my best friend told her good friend what she would do with me. She was telling me it hurt my chances. I brush past it in the conversation and we get to a part where I'm talking about a game of ping pong and she's just thinking about sex. I say when the paddles go down, we'll see whats up. She thought i was talking about using the paddles in a way entirely unrelated to ping pong :D
I'm trying to see her tomorrow, but her day is busy. Shes going shopping or some shit during the window we're both awake. The conversation rolls back around to how my best friend was teasing her friend he knew something she didn't, and told her what she said she'd do. She said no, it was a different boy. so on the phone she tells me about this different guy (We're in MO, but one of her parents lives in Cali). the night we kissed for the first time (her first kiss ever) shes on the phone with him (:o) and it comes up that shes never kissed anybody before. he goes "come out to cali and I'll help you through this right away" or something. the important part was that she was thinking and laughing about him while on the phone with me..and I can't think of a god damn thing to say. I can't think of a way to turn the convo around, so basically right there i just say bye and hang up
god. damn. it.
she brought it up in the context of filling me in on the story and getting closer w/ me by sharing things shes never told anybody but her closest friends, but this just cranked me the wrong way. immediately after for unrelated reasons i end up on the phone with my two roommates who are down in oklahoma visiting their hometown best friend since childhood. she's a girl, from what I hear she's attractive, and she sounds attractive. I'm on the phone with her for maybe 15 seconds and it gets handed off. i can hear her say in the background "i dont like him"
after this im not feeling great. ideally i shouldnt even care, but in the context i was just then i did. so i shove it off and attribute it to the odd chain of events that didn't let me get any sleep last night. i dont even fucking know, but i made excuses for myself for my failures
now ive been trying to sleep for an hour and finally i realize i just gotta get all this crap in perspective. I'm freaking out that some guy in cali is gonna get the girl i like when it cant physically happen and all the signs point the other way.
the roommates bestie situation will be fine. i keep myself fit and well kept, and im blessed with looks that will keep a girls attention even if im being akward as shit. when she sees me irl and after hearing all the stories about what ive done it will be different
but this other thing made me realize just how insecure I'm being. I didn't even push that hard for hometown girl to meet me, just wondered if our schedules would meet. i couldve just said "you know, hes right. we really have to fix your situation, and im just the guy for the job"
If you've seen entourage you'll know ari gold. I gotta be him tomorrow and get her to see me or else im gonna get set up with her friend (who i cant really resist). the other girl said she'd strip do a stripper dance for me for $5. I don't know why, but the girl i want is a lot less outgoing, weirder, and our relationship can't actually go anywhere. god damn it I'm just being an insecure pussy right. I'm putting all my hopes inside of her, and i cant control her
fuck it all. i dont give a damn. just the way im approaching all of this is wrong. im nervous before i do things, im not having fun...i need to grow some stones. that is where im at right now, before i go to sleep.
this self-therapeutic blog helped me sort some shit out. i feel like posting it right now (if one thing stands, another stands beside it) but who knows..maybe ill delete the entire thing tomorrow. if you read this far i applaud you because whenever i see a blog like this if it doesnt catch me in the first sentence or two i click back and never look at it again
