Gnomes in my bedroom~ - Page 3

Oh, believe me, I know all about those goddamn gnomes. I've been hunting them for years. The only way to kill them is a harpoon coated in laxatives. I see them every day, staring through my window with their beady little eyes. Waiting. Watching. I'll tell you all about gnomes, in the hopes that one day you may find the courage to wage war like no man ever has.

Gnomes were created in 420 AD by the Chinese. Chinese were a pretty advanced people, and they knew quite a bit of dark magic. You know, Chaos Gods and all that. Well, one day a crazy chinaman by the name of Ping Mang decided that he wanted to rule the world, but he needed more than just the backs of a million chinamen. He needed a race of super powerful, extremely intelligent and above all incredibly resilient demons that could swim across the world's oceans, scale the tallest mountains, and survive in any climate without food or water. By making a pact with the Dark Gods, he was able to give life to a seed of absolute pure evil - the first hamburger ever created by mankind, which he had previously bargained a part of his soul with the Chaos Gods to drag back in time.

Unfortunately for Ping Mang, the hamburger was such a potent source of evil energy that the Gnomes created from the infinite darkness of its abysmal depths were far too chaotic for him to control. The Chaos Gods laughed as the gnomes ran rampant immediately upon their creation. They reproduced like locust, they knew no pain or fear, and they quickly ran wild in China. Ping Mang was consumed by the gnomes for his life force and evil energy, and as no one knew of his devious plans, gnomes remained nothing but myths and mystery. Except for the fact that they were very real.

To this day, gnomes have infested the world and influenced its politics and events for their own deeds. Gnomes are users of dark magic themselves, and can hide themselves and their homes, which are fifty-story tall black spires that harness the energy of lightning, when they want to. But they like to toy with people. I mean, who's going to believe a guy who says that gnomes are watching him masturbate? No one! And the gnomes know that. They laugh in the shadows as you try to explain yourself to the authorities. And they come back. Every single night.

You must stand up to the gnomes. I know it seems impossible, as they are so numerous and we are so few, but you must fight. One day, when the sun falls into the ocean and the sky erupts in flame and judgment descends upon us, we will make the gnomes pay. I was going to say we will bury their children in graves of garlic and burn their women on crosses of ivory, but then I remembered that gnomes can reproduce by just eating stars. We'll have to suck them all into a black hole or something.

Preach on, brother!