EPTOne final note of preface to the ranking: Why only foreign players ? The reason for this is, of course, I would ultimately slip up and say something insensitive regarding Kung Fu or something. This would be bad because I would lose my precious ESPORTS job as … um, …
Anyway lets begin the ranking !
#5 -
Jinro The Gorilla Terran himself occupies the number five slot. Who’s probably best suited for fighting giant animals ? Why, someone nicknamed after a giant animal of course ! A little known fact is that Jinro got this nickname in the GSL January 2011 semi-finals against Marineking, where Jinro only lost the set because a giant gorilla broke into the studio and was eating audience members (gorillas do that right?). In the middle of the set, Jinro had to leave his booth and go subdue the gorilla. When his original tactics of beat poetry and jazz saxophone failed to do the job, he was forced to go to Plan B: Beat (Probably Pre-Flung) Shit Out of Gorilla. Ultimately he was successful and countless lives were saved, but unfortunately nobody thought to pause the game so Jinro lost 1-3.
Btw, don’t try to look up the VODs for that, its been edited out.
”Oh Jinro only has ONE nickname based on his badassery? PSSHT!”
Dont say such things about Jinro ! For one, he will fight you but failing that, he’s one of the swear-y-est players around so, at a minimum, he’ll probably make you cry.
Anyway, its not even true. Another nickname he holds, this one being less formal but I doubt you’ll be hearing it for the first time now, is Chinro. Why? The guy has a remarkably manly chin. Try to guess which of the following two options I would take if I had to fight Jinro.
1) Get to beat him in the chin with a bat for a full minute before he’s allowed to hit back; or
2) Use that minute to run like hell.
If you guessed the first option, you either overestimate my likeness to 1960s Clint Eastwood or you need to be reminded daily to look both ways before crossing the street.
Even his ID is about as manly as it gets, named after an alcoholic beverage.
Ideal Matchup - Jinro vs Gorilla
Sorry this one was a bit obvious. But you know it would be cool, it’s a shame the VODs from the first time they met got erased.
#4 -
qxc If you just look at his face, you might not expect this as he kinda looks a bit nerdy (I assure you I’m in no position to judge, but bear with me). However, that’s where the doubts end. Let’s take a look at one of the most well-known pictures of him:
![[image loading]](http://www.teamliquid.net/staff/Plexa/TLA/qxc.jpg)
“You’ve probably heard of me. And if not, I will beat you sillier than you could possibly expect” - qxc
Firstly, DEM FOREARMS! They’re roughly the size of the neck of the guy beside him. But also that’s pretty clearly the face of someone plotting something deviant, like how many ways he could take down the Mob armed only with that sign.
Here’s a relevant quote from an MLG interview with qxc in November of 2010.
Other than practicing and homework, I play ultimate frisbee once a week for the team here at school, and I'm also in charge of student security for parties at [Harvey Mudd College].
I also recently learned how to freeline, which is a neo form of skating, and I run the Brazilian Jiujitsu club on campus.
I also recently learned how to freeline, which is a neo form of skating, and I run the Brazilian Jiujitsu club on campus.
This freaking guy!
Most of his non-Starcraft related activities consist of either getting stronger or beating people up. Also, if I’m not mistaken, he even does parkour just to make sure he looks as badass as possible while doing it.
Ideal Matchup - qxc vs Orangutan
I feel like a lot of qxc’s strength would come from his agility, and the lanky limbs of the orangutan would certainly pose a challenge.
#3.
TitaN Okay, time to admit a major bias of mine - Eastern Europeans frighten me. I’m not sure why but I think its the accent. For some reason or another, I always seem pretty certain they’re trying to kill me whenever I talk to them. And now that I’ve said that, I’m sure most of them are. You can’t get more Eastern European than the Russians and, to me, Titan is one of the scarier ones. Since Titan is maybe not one of the most well-known players right now, it’s only right to start with a picture of him.
![[image loading]](http://wiki.teamliquid.net/starcraft/images2/thumb/7/7d/TitaN.jpg/220px-TitaN.jpg)
Not pictured above: Compassion or acceptance of weakness
Disclaimer: I dont know much about Titan so everything I say will be based on completely unjustified and unfair speculation, so bear that in mind before you call teams of police and exorcists to Titan’s house.
More than the other contenders on this list, you really have to feel the badassery contained in this guy. Look deep into his
Titan, if you see this by some chance, don’t come to me in my dreams and sacrifice me to Raszagal.
Ideal Matchup - Titan vs Elephant
I imagine Titan would come face to face with the elephant, everything would go black for a minute, and then we would suddenly see Titan casually picking food out of his teeth with a tusk.
#2.
iNcontroL Finally we get to the obvious answer that you were all probably thinking as soon as you opened the thread. The fact is, iNcontrol is really goddamn big. Really goddamn big. If you stick him on one side of a scale and every member of any given team on the other side, any opposing players afraid of heights will be in tears. I can’t say I’ve poked iNcontrol in the stomach enough (yet) to say whether he’s just some fat guy or an ethnic forklift but I strongly suspect the latter.
He’s probably not swimming in giant pools of finesse and grace when he chooses to kick ass but after a certain point, does it even matter ? I don’t care how many backflips you can do, if your head is the size of the other guy’s thumb, you probably lose.
In many respects, iNcontrol is the opposite of Titan. Where you “feel” it with Titan, you just have to “know” it for iNc. He seems to be one of the friendliest people in the universe who has no inclination to kill you and I’m sure that’s the case! But at the end of the day, if you really piss him off, he still has truck tires for knees and doorknobs for knuckles.
Ideal Matchup - Bear
Again, I suppose most people saw this one coming, especially considering his peculiar following.
#1.
BRAT_OK ![[image loading]](http://wiki.teamliquid.net/starcraft/images2/thumb/d/d1/Imba_bratok.jpg/220px-Imba_bratok.jpg)
”Just take my money and my wife, please just let me live.” - Literally everyone ever
Finally we reach the number one spot, and I’ve filled it with another Russian. I don’t really know how much more I’ll be able to say about him since he embodies basically everything I said about his countryman Titan but amplified a hundred times over. And as an added bonus, he served in the Russian Armed Forces!
To drive my point home, I have an exercise for you. Try to stare into the eyes on this picture for a full minute:
![[image loading]](http://wiki.teamliquid.net/starcraft/images2/4/4a/Bratok_wide.jpg)
Did you believe in an afterlife before? You no longer do. Did you not believe in an afterlife before? Now you do! Weird eh?
With all that said, I’ve been a huge Brat_OK fan since TSL 1 and I’ve heard nothing but good things about his personality. So you probably have him to thank that you’re not being eaten by gargoyles right at this very moment.
Ideal Matchup - Some sort of Satan-Hippo
As far as I’m concerned, the hippopotamus is the badassiest thing in the animal kingdom. The “Brat_OK of dumb things,” if you will. But realistically the thing has no bloody chance if its not possessed by the Devil himself and coated in a layer of knives.
That’s it! Now if you ever have a chance to go to a live Sc2 event, you will know who not to piss off. You’re welcome. :D
+ Show Spoiler +
If you are Titan and looking to kill me, I can be found at www.twitter.com/Bibbit_Mack
/shameless
/shameless
