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'Sup TL !
Something recently happened to me and understanding exactly what happened is causing me some trouble. Talking about it with a few friends helped, so I figured I might as well talk about with you, maybe you'll have some useful advice too !
Anyway, let's cut to the chase:
Context & what happened:
I'm in a serious relationship with my girlfriend, it's been almost 2 years now. Despite me being 29 years old, she is my first serious GF (had some flings and 1-night adventures before, and long perdios of celibacy), so I'm still figuring this whole relationship thing out as I go. Anyway, two weeks ago, at a party where my GF was not, I kissed another girl. This came pretty much as a shock to me because I'm someone who values loyalty a lot, and I really never had any real thought of ever cheating on my GF before. Also, me and my GF had no major problem (no fight or anything of that kind), so this really happened completely out of the blue.
Obviously, I regretted it almost immediately, and have had a lot of trouble sleeping well. It really pushed me to think about the type of person I am, the type of person I want to be, how much I value my relationship with my GF, etc. As I'm still unsure about what it really meant, I decided against telling my GF (for now). If this was a one time mistake, there's no need to cause her a lot of pain by telling her. I'll keep it to my grave and we'll be happy together. However, if what happened is the sign of some deeper problem in our relationship (and might happen again as long as the underlying problem isn't solved), then I'll have to come clean and be honest with her, I owe her as much. I really don't want to be the kind of guy who cheats on his GF (even if it's just kissing).
My thoughts on the state of my relationship:
Anyway, the more I think about me kissing that other girl, the more scared I am. I'm starting to realise that it might have been an eye opener: while me and my GF did not have an argument or anything, our relationship does have its problems... That's something I didn't actually realise before this event happened... I don't know, maybe I did not want to see it, or maybe I'm just blind. The main thing is that, when we don't agree on something, I'm usually the one that caves in. I always thought that, in the end, we'll end up converging on some kind of middle ground, you know. It has been 2 years now, and nothing has changed. Another problem we have is that, well we're both kinda awkward when it comes to relationship talks (I believe it's also her first serious relationship but I'm not even sure), so we have almost none of those. After 2 years, I don't really know if she wants children, how and where she sees us (and herself) in 5, 10 years, etc. After 2 years together, you kinda want to start projecting yourself in the future, and for now we don't.
The obvious way forward & more thoughts:
Anyway, I figured the simple and obvious solution is to talk about those relationship issues with my GF, and try to figure them out with her. And that's what I'm planning to do this weekend. But man am I scared. I'm trying to think about ways to get to the subject without being confrontational so it doesn't turn into an argument, but it ain't easy. I hope it won't get out of hand, that she'll understand that I only want to fix our relationship... The worst part is that I don't think she even realised that some things are bothering me. Heck, before 2 weeks ago, I didn't even realise it, so how could she know. So I'm kinda worried that it'll come as a shock to her (that I'm not entirely happy with how things are), and that she'll be on the defensive... It'll be a tricky talk, I hope I'll be able to handle it well and defuse any argument and tensions as they'll happen.
It's funny because in the past I was kind of a loner, and being alone didn't bother me. On the contrary, I took some pride in being able to be alone, being strong enough to not need someone else. And now that I've been in this relationship, I'm fucking scared about losing it, even if it has its problems. I mean getting comfortable with someone, getting to know her well, etc is a lengthy and complicated process, and losing all this time would sure feel like a gigantic waste. I realise that being in a relationship means making compromises, but I currently don't feel like our relationship is fair between us,
Bonus complications:
To top all of this off, I can't seem to stop thinking about the other girl. At first I thought it was just the "novelty" thing, but I'm less sure now. We've met once since that party to talk things out, I told her that cheating on my GF was not a possibility I'd consider. She encouraged me to try to fix things with my GF and told me to forget everything that happened. But I can't, and I'm not even sure I want to. Now that we talked and that I got to know her a bit better (we talked for like 3h), I got to say, she seems like a great girl.
Conclusion
I plan to talk with my GF this weekend, I might keep you posted about how it went.
Thank you for reading, if you have any advice I'll gladly take it, but I realise now that I wrote that out more to help me think a bit more clearly that to really share it...
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what is your over all happiness level relative to your happiness level at other times in your life?
On March 15 2017 22:23 LoneYoShi wrote:
Another problem we have is that, well we're both kinda awkward when it comes to relationship talks (I believe it's also her first serious relationship but I'm not even sure), so we have almost none of those. After 2 years, I don't really know if she wants children, how and where she sees us (and herself) in 5, 10 years, etc. After 2 years together, you kinda want to start projecting yourself in the future, and for now we don't.
you really need to find out. the fact that you're not sure is unacceptable. find out. knowledge is power.
On March 15 2017 22:23 LoneYoShi wrote:
It's funny because in the past I was kind of a loner, and being alone didn't bother me. On the contrary, I took some pride in being able to be alone, being strong enough to not need someone else. And now that I've been in this relationship, I'm fucking scared about losing it, even if it has its problems. I mean getting comfortable with someone, getting to know her well, etc is a lengthy and complicated process, and losing all this time would sure feel like a gigantic waste. I realise that being in a relationship means making compromises, but I currently don't feel like our relationship is fair between us,
my #1 alone activity is coding. i make database software. my #2 alone activity is physical fitness activities. do you have "alone activities" you like. as long as you do that'll never go away. no matter what is going for me good or bad... i've always got my weight room and my software projects to fall back on. hopefully, its the same for you. if it is not then invest in yourself. cultivate some alone activities.
On March 15 2017 22:23 LoneYoShi wrote:
The main thing is that, when we don't agree on something, I'm usually the one that caves in. I always thought that, in the end, we'll end up converging on some kind of middle ground, you know. It has been 2 years now, and nothing has changed.
pick an important issue... something important to you and do not cave. monitor the results. see if other issues pop up in other areas. relationships are about compromise on both parties.
every social activity is a compromise by all involved. every team game is a compromise. every handshake business deal is a compromise. everything. i'm a deal maker.. i'm a wheeler and a dealer. and for me the compromise always goes both ways. the key to any deal is that both parties benefit from the core activity going on within "the deal". The "compromising" is more about ancillary activities around "the deal".
i hate going to client sites to do work. hate it. i also hate tracking my time and billing. however, in order for me to have the really cool experience of building software i need to do those things. So i enjoy 80% of my job... the core of my job.. and i tolerate the other 20%.
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Most people here are probably gonna be supportive, so I'm gonna try to balance it with my more "cynical" outlook. just to make sure you've considered some of the more uncomfortable possibilities:
Context & what happened:
I'm in a serious relationship with my girlfriend, it's been almost 2 years now. Despite me being 29 years old, she is my first serious GF (had some flings and 1-night adventures before, and long perdios of celibacy), so I'm still figuring this whole relationship thing out as I go. Anyway, two weeks ago, at a party where my GF was not, I kissed another girl. This came pretty much as a shock to me because I'm someone who values loyalty a lot, and I really never had any real thought of ever cheating on my GF before. Also, me and my GF had no major problem (no fight or anything of that kind), so this really happened completely out of the blue.
a number of questions here:
1) you are 29, but how old is she? on a scale of 1 to 10, how attractive is she? and how attractive are you?
2) what do you mean the relationship is "serious" are you paying any of her bills? are you living together?
3) were you drunk when you kissed the other girl? what was the context? were you dancing with them? or did you randomly walk up to a sober person and kiss them?
Obviously, I regretted it almost immediately, and have had a lot of trouble sleeping well. It really pushed me to think about the type of person I am, the type of person I want to be, how much I value my relationship with my GF, etc. As I'm still unsure about what it really meant, I decided against telling my GF (for now). If this was a one time mistake, there's no need to cause her a lot of pain by telling her. I'll keep it to my grave and we'll be happy together. However, if what happened is the sign of some deeper problem in our relationship (and might happen again as long as the underlying problem isn't solved), then I'll have to come clean and be honest with her, I owe her as much. I really don't want to be the kind of guy who cheats on his GF (even if it's just kissing).
why do you owe her anything? does she owe YOU anything? would she come clean if she's in your situation? has she proven herself in the past in some way?
My thoughts on the state of my relationship:
Anyway, the more I think about me kissing that other girl, the more scared I am. I'm starting to realise that it might have been an eye opener: while me and my GF did not have an argument or anything, our relationship does have its problems... That's something I didn't actually realise before this event happened... I don't know, maybe I did not want to see it, or maybe I'm just blind. The main thing is that, when we don't agree on something, I'm usually the one that caves in. I always thought that, in the end, we'll end up converging on some kind of middle ground, you know. It has been 2 years now, and nothing has changed. Another problem we have is that, well we're both kinda awkward when it comes to relationship talks (I believe it's also her first serious relationship but I'm not even sure), so we have almost none of those. After 2 years, I don't really know if she wants children, how and where she sees us (and herself) in 5, 10 years, etc. After 2 years together, you kinda want to start projecting yourself in the future, and for now we don't.
How do you 'disagree' but not have an 'argument'?? I think you are rationalizing here. Unless you mean you cave before the arguments even starts, which probably means you've already lost all her respect for you by this point and she may have been making fun of you with her friends behind your back for months now.
The obvious way forward & more thoughts:
Anyway, I figured the simple and obvious solution is to talk about those relationship issues with my GF, and try to figure them out with her. And that's what I'm planning to do this weekend. But man am I scared. I'm trying to think about ways to get to the subject without being confrontational so it doesn't turn into an argument, but it ain't easy. I hope it won't get out of hand, that she'll understand that I only want to fix our relationship... The worst part is that I don't think she even realised that some things are bothering me. Heck, before 2 weeks ago, I didn't even realise it, so how could she know. So I'm kinda worried that it'll come as a shock to her (that I'm not entirely happy with how things are), and that she'll be on the defensive... It'll be a tricky talk, I hope I'll be able to handle it well and defuse any argument and tensions as they'll happen.
She doesn't know or she doesn't care? If every time I argue with someone they just cave (aka I win), that's a pretty good arrangement for me (in fact I'd probably deliberate create arguments just so I can feel like a winner all the time), why would I care or want to change it? especially if I suspect that my victim is scared to leave.
It's funny because in the past I was kind of a loner, and being alone didn't bother me. On the contrary, I took some pride in being able to be alone, being strong enough to not need someone else. And now that I've been in this relationship, I'm fucking scared about losing it, even if it has its problems. I mean getting comfortable with someone, getting to know her well, etc is a lengthy and complicated process, and losing all this time would sure feel like a gigantic waste. I realise that being in a relationship means making compromises, but I currently don't feel like our relationship is fair between us,
If that's how you feel sir, you had better not say anything to her about it. Women are evolved to expect men to protect and to provide - both require strength, If a woman smells weakness in their man, you've lost your purpose, they won't sympathize with you, they will run.
Bonus complications:
To top all of this off, I can't seem to stop thinking about the other girl. At first I thought it was just the "novelty" thing, but I'm less sure now. We've met once since that party to talk things out, I told her that cheating on my GF was not a possibility I'd consider. She encouraged me to try to fix things with my GF and told me to forget everything that happened. But I can't, and I'm not even sure I want to. Now that we talked and that I got to know her a bit better (we talked for like 3h), I got to say, she seems like a great girl.
She seems like a great girl even though she helps people cheat on their SO? Plus, they all seem great at first, I'm sure you thought your current GF was great when you first met her. If you didn't know this woman before you don't know any thing about this woman still, sorry to tell you but a 3 hour convo doesn't necessarily mean much.
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it'd be good to get relationship advice from someone who knows both of you personally in RL and keeps your convos confidential.
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I think you should break up with your girlfriend and go out with the girl from the party.
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Honestly, you should tell your GF what happened and if she makes a big or butthurt deal of it, then it also can be an eye-opener. I know this archetypal movie plot "oh no you cheated, now everything is ruined", but it is a really stupid approach. Obviously, if my wife cheated on me in the "sneaks out every now and then" way, or if she began promising another man a bright future together, I'd be pissed to no end, but kissing other people is a much smaller deal than people make out of it. If you consider your GF as someone with whom you could spend the rest of your life, it might be a good time to test whether that works and I find an important part of a life-long relationship to be the ability to tell the other person anything. The last thing you want to do is to "carry things to your grave".
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What you need to do is to hire a latino lover and have him seduce your girlfriend into kissing him. That way you both will be even and you won't feel bad about cheating anymore, and she won't be upset with you because then she'd be a hypocrite, and nobody likes hypocrites.
The first step is to hire a latino lover. Someone who looks like this:
![[image loading]](https://s3.amazonaws.com/user-media.venngage.com/76593-f1ae8a40d3194dffc3d2e2faedc2b234.jpg)
Bonus points if his name is Fernando.
Second step is to get them both to a party that you won't be at. If she's already going to a party, then great, make sure Fernando gets invited too. If not, then try to find a party somewhere to get invited too. On the day of the party, eat a burrito with double meat, double cheese, and double beans, no veggies. Before the party starts, you will have diarrhea and you can't go anymore, so insist to your girlfriend that she should go without you, and then secretly give Fernando your spot at the party.
Once they are at the party, Fernando will seduce your girlfriend and they will kiss or something.
So the next day, your girlfriend will be like "Sorry LoneYoShi, I kissed another guy" and you can be like "That's okay, I kissed another girl". And then your girlfriend will be like "and then we had hanky panky". So then you call up Fernando and be like "Fernando! Es no bueno, why you have hanky panky with my girlfriend", and then Fernando will be all like "Sorry senior, I love your girlfriend too much and I couldn't help myself. We are going on a cruise next week, sorry bro"
So now you need to win back your girlfriend from Fernando. To do this, you need to save her life from a shooter. So you need to hire some Somalian pirates to pretend to highjack the cruise ship or something.
Let me know when you get to this part, and then I can explain to you what you need to do. I learned everything from watching Captain Phillips.
Good luck!
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On March 16 2017 07:23 Chairman Ray wrote:What you need to do is to hire a latino lover and have him seduce your girlfriend into kissing him. That way you both will be even and you won't feel bad about cheating anymore, and she won't be upset with you because then she'd be a hypocrite, and nobody likes hypocrites. The first step is to hire a latino lover. Someone who looks like this: Bonus points if his name is Fernando. Second step is to get them both to a party that you won't be at. If she's already going to a party, then great, make sure Fernando gets invited too. If not, then try to find a party somewhere to get invited too. On the day of the party, eat a burrito with double meat, double cheese, and double beans, no veggies. Before the party starts, you will have diarrhea and you can't go anymore, so insist to your girlfriend that she should go without you, and then secretly give Fernando your spot at the party. Once they are at the party, Fernando will seduce your girlfriend and they will kiss or something. So the next day, your girlfriend will be like "Sorry LoneYoShi, I kissed another guy" and you can be like "That's okay, I kissed another girl". And then your girlfriend will be like "and then we had hanky panky". So then you call up Fernando and be like "Fernando! Es no bueno, why you have hanky panky with my girlfriend", and then Fernando will be all like "Sorry senior, I love your girlfriend too much and I couldn't help myself. We are going on a cruise next week, sorry bro" So now you need to win back your girlfriend from Fernando. To do this, you need to save her life from a shooter. So you need to hire some Somalian pirates to pretend to highjack the cruise ship or something. Let me know when you get to this part, and then I can explain to you what you need to do. I learned everything from watching Captain Phillips. Good luck!
I feel like it will turn into a Tropic Thunder/Three Amigos situation where it's real Somali pirates, but he won't know, and will slap one of them in the face, leading to lots of hilarious hijinks on the high-seas!
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In my experience worst times are ahead when there are issues which are not discussed for months and years. It's plain and simple. Even good relationships can turn into shit when couples bottle up too much inside them. But there are as many relationships as there are people (zzzz) so please take Jimmy's advice and ask a friend.
Consider one thing; you will be interested of another girls to some level anyway even when your relationship is doing great. As the initial love phase runs out, relationship becomes a matter of commitment first of all.
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Hi yoshi, boy were you lucky with the tl answers 
lots to take in isn't it?
you want advice? ok!
Tell me i'm wrong!
1/you choose to put "lone" in your id (who does that?)
2/ you are 29 (the new 19)
3/ you like your girlfriend (you never said you love her)
4/ you kissed another girl (no context in your typing)
5/ you made a girl blog post on team liquid (you need this)
2/you are young and the concept of "for ever until you die" is a bit early, that is the "rational/analytic" part of you that is coming out to bother you and in 5 years you will have settled into one of the two stances: you want to build something with someone / you don't mind changing and going to look elsewhere, or to be fair you feel compelled to tempt fate and look elsewhere. not to say that any of the two is good (wanting it to work with the first person you are with is like wanting too much maybe but since it could work there is nothing invalidating the attempt), people fall in love and wish to have that special someone for as long as they can, some others stick with the one's they have for fear of going back to being alone ; while in the end most people settle on the second or third attempt to settle with the right one (statistically speaking monogamy is still the norm, however the number of attempts before you "make it" is nowadays usually more accepted (50 years ago people would not divorce and a couple was bound or something)), that is not to say that they are happier but the hardships of changing both hurt (so you don't want to pile up) and also make you more savvy when it comes to choosing your next partner in crime.
i doubt in your case monogamy or origami is the question for you, you are "playing the field" and now that you have seen the rush of it, well.. you are attempting to find out where you stand with this reality. And as bad as that sounds this is what we all do to one degree or another: play the field.
3/ i understand discretion about your gf, but without details you left out, i'll do the same
4/ YOU did? did she make it happen and you went for it too? come on Yo" give us more texture dude! how are we to understand and provide advice without context/subtext? was it moist or dry, was it long or fugitive.. dude 
1/5/ so to sum up i have just one advice, but it is a choice really, so you have to go down one of the two roads / swallow one of the two pills:
take a step forward + Show Spoiler +go tell your gf that you kissed a girl out of the blue, make it your objective to settle the issue of the validity of the couple YOU TWO form and take it from there.. she will make the choice easy for you, and if you work it out then you got your answer: a couple is made of two people who communicate at least initially so that both parties are doing what they want.. or at least that is the benefit of attempting to form a couple... if you end up split then > + Show Spoiler +On March 16 2017 06:27 ninazerg wrote:
I think you should break up with your girlfriend and go out with the girl from the party.
take a step back + Show Spoiler +and realize that most people do before they think about what they are going to do.. sometimes for good or sometimes for bad, you kissing another girl could be a clear cut sign or a weird happenstance .. it is up to you to decide what this means to you and yes + Show Spoiler +the future gf is always sexier/more appealing because there is the unknown and plus you have not slept with her yet
blue pill + Show Spoiler +go home to mommy and ask her honestly what she thinks: she will say keep to the current and your mouth shut
red pill + Show Spoiler +go home to daddy and he'll tell you to 1/go on a break with the current one 2/ schtoup the future one and then the hard part  you have to decide which one you want to be with.. to decide easily: assign a gf to each side of a coin, throw the coin and let it land on one .. then if you are unhappy with the gf the coin/gravity choose then just pick the other gf.
ps: <3 antonioBanderas/fernando bid <3+ Show Spoiler +
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Reading your blog i want to point out two things that stand out for me:
#1 you mention your GF 12 times in your blog
#2 rarely if anywhere have you talked about how you really feel about all of this. You only explain us how you think, which is very clear and laid out nicely. I assume you are a very intelligent person with deep thinking and mental capacities. To get to the bottom of it you must not analyze the situation, with thoughts only, but with non judging feelings too, stick that into there somewhere. Then you can go ahead and make an evaluation, but only after you have let your feelings sit with you for a while, without trying to deny, surpress, or change them right off the bat. Just be, don' t think.
#3 something tells me you have deeper issues than this relationship with yourself, and trying to clear them out while confronting someone else is not the best way to deal with things
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Netherlands6175 Posts
Wooo return of the girl blogs!
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Whose jacket smells better?
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I just thought of this, but what if his current girlfriend is an anime body pillow? That actually would change a lot in this story.
It's happened before.
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On March 16 2017 06:27 ninazerg wrote:
I think you should break up with your girlfriend and go out with the girl from the party.
2nding this so hard. A mild infatuation is definitely more important.
+ Show Spoiler +Tell your gf about the kiss and don't blame it on her, then talk about the problems in a second conversation after the first has been settled obviously
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just let it all out to her. that's what I would do.
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1. Tell her about the kiss, or you'll start feeling worse and worse about it, and it will eventually come out anyway. (you didn't really say how it happened, so I can't say much, but you're probably avoiding describing what happened because it didn't happen on accident).
2. It sounds to me you're in the relationship limbo, where both sides don't want to break up because it's comfortable as it is, but they don't really see any future for the relationship. Someones should probably break up, the sooner it's done, the better for both. You can do some tests for like a month at most, to see if it's gonna amount to anything, if not much changed, break up. Note that that's just my opinion, and I don't know the situation 100%, so it's harder to tell.
3. For the "relationship talks", it's better to talk about some of that stuff as you go along, here and there just as a comment, maybe while discussing other people or situations, or even while in a good mood and joking about something. Doing it all at once, and seriously, usually results in a lot of pressure, negativity and awkwardness. You probably haven't been doing it piecewise as I said at the beginning, so now you're feeling the pressure. Sometimes you can't avoid the serious relationship talks, and that's fine, but always try to incorporate relationship topics and comments into your interactions/life as you go.
If you don't know what the other person thinks and how she feels, if you do not share, that's not really a relationship, it's just two people trying to stay in their fading comfort zone, and slowly failing. Talking and sharing is the thing that actually builds a relationship, and makes it stronger.
That's why you should tell her the things that are bothering you, you just gotta learn to say it not in a negative way (can't think of a word, but something like "sugarcoating" but not fake). Ask her what she thinks about that, and what's best to do about it, how can you try to improve that, and discuss it. Discuss things that you like. Share random thoughts.
You probably noticed that girls like to ask tricky questions sometimes, you just gotta be chill, ignore the drama. Joke about it a bit, address the real thing that's bothering her, and then be a pillar for her. When girls feel you're not a shaky pillar, they themselves become/feel more secure (and that's what girls like), and that's good for you too.
Bonus: Uh, it's hard to say if you like her just because she's a new thing close at hand, and giving you attention, or if it's because of the failing relationship, or if you really like her. Probably a combination.
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On March 18 2017 07:17 quirinus wrote:
You probably noticed that girls like to ask tricky questions sometimes
What exactly do you mean by that?
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TLADT24920 Posts
Definitely talk to your girlfriend over the week and try and think on your own, the reasons for how things went down.
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Now I am pondering about what kind of psychopath I am, as I agree with Nina, just without the trolling.
It's your first relationship, you don't have a lot of experience, you don't "sound" happy. Just say you want to see other people and the relationship should dissolve itself.
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EPT
