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I'm writing this because this issue is really closely related to me and it's really changing my life right now. As many people know the not well kept secret that Chinese parents beat the crap out of their kids. My childhood was not an exception; I remember getting slapped so hard I lost hearing in my left ear for 2 days. Of course I didn't had the balls to tell anyone at that time.
Now jump to today:
Despite what my parents say, I just never get along with them. I always had an innate fear and hatred for them. During my second year of university I sunk into depression. Of course I was really afraid to tell my parents because what I thought their reaction would go something like this: "stop making up bullshit excuses and you're just not trying hard enough". From my teenage years until now, I learned to never talk back and just go with whatever my parents say no matter how demeaning or wrong they are; as talking back makes no difference. My parents, probably like most Chinese parents as well, think they own me and everything they say is absolute.
As I sunk deeper and deeper into depression, my grades suffered and my social circle shrunk. I lost all urge to keep up or to make friends. Every summer I have to endure the demeaning words of my parents. I tried suicide, and many times I just didn't go through with it. This summer is different, as my mom saw me cutting up my arm with a razor blade. Of course I got rushed to a doctor and got referred to a psychiatrist. I try to talk to my parents and confront them that they are really causing a lot of problems for me right now and in the past, and the beatings from when I was child really did something to me as I always had an innate fear and hatred for my parents which made communication really hard for me.
However to my surprise they really shrugged it off. They insist that it is me that is too weak and their beatings and demeaning when I was like 6 or 7 years old is harmless. I don't think they realize beating their kids can really have some lasting mental effects. This just really made me furious. As of now I had enough and I dropped out of university. I'm leaving and going to live on my own for a while. I hope psychiatry will give me some help putting this behind me, as I imagine it will be a hard and painful experience. Maybe I'll go back to school after I'm through with this chapter of my life.
I can probably never get them to admit what they did to me was wrong, or even get a compensation for anything. Honestly I don't care as long as I'm getting away from them. Honestly I don't even think I'll ever get enough money to finish my engineering degree that I left behind.
  
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Sweden5554 Posts
Best of luck in beating depression.
To answer your question of why parents beat their kids, it's because pain is a really really good mnemonic. So if you beat your child you make sure they remember, this is net beneficial when the lesson they need to learn is vital to their health or survival. But as parents do it because they were themselves beaten as kids, then they beat their kids for lots of not so super important reasons and it becomes a bad spiral where parents pretty much abuse their kids for minor things.
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Goddammit man... Growing up without parents seems bad enough, but I can't even imagine what it's like to have them but hate and fear both of them... Good on you to leave them and get your life back together.
But please don't try that suicide crap again. You'll be happy someday. Might take a week, might take a decade, but you'll get there.
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Parents beat their children because its the easiest and fastest way to teach their kids or stop them from doing something. Those parents do this unconsciously but that is not an excuse for them.
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Sometimes it's culture based and sometimes the parents are just assholes.
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On May 26 2013 18:06 salle wrote:
Best of luck in beating depression.
To answer your question of why parents beat their kids, it's because pain is a really really good mnemonic. So if you beat your child you make sure they remember, this is net beneficial when the lesson they need to learn is vital to their health or survival. But as parents do it because they were themselves beaten as kids, then they beat their kids for lots of not so super important reasons and it becomes a bad spiral where parents pretty much abuse their kids for minor things.
When I studied psychology, the general consensus seemed to be that punishment is actually a very ineffective way of producing change, compared to positive and negative reinforcement.
Doing something bad to someone to teach them to not do bad things is just a really dumb concept, and completely unnecessary when it comes to children.
EDIT: Obviously, punishment is still needed to reduce unwanted behavior, but it's far more effective to reinforce good behavior and then only rely on light punishment.
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I see two possible reasons:
1. They ACTUALLY believe it's a good way to tell your kid something is wrong. Which makes them idiots.
2. They act out of anger, which also makes them idiots.
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Sweden5554 Posts
On May 26 2013 19:13 Tobberoth wrote:Show nested quote +On May 26 2013 18:06 salle wrote:
Best of luck in beating depression.
To answer your question of why parents beat their kids, it's because pain is a really really good mnemonic. So if you beat your child you make sure they remember, this is net beneficial when the lesson they need to learn is vital to their health or survival. But as parents do it because they were themselves beaten as kids, then they beat their kids for lots of not so super important reasons and it becomes a bad spiral where parents pretty much abuse their kids for minor things. When I studied psychology, the general consensus seemed to be that punishment is actually a very ineffective way of producing change, compared to positive and negative reinforcement. Doing something bad to someone to teach them to not do bad things is just a really dumb concept, and completely unnecessary when it comes to children. EDIT: Obviously, punishment is still needed to reduce unwanted behavior, but it's far more effective to reinforce good behavior and then only rely on light punishment.
I completely agree, it's a very very bad way to try and teach someone something. Positive reinforcement is much better, but also much harder for a lot of people to do for whatever reason. However it is a form of negative reinforcement... (do wrong, get pain).
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Get away from the as soon as possible. If they don't realize the damage they did and are doing to your life after you've laid it out to them then its time for you to get out. A new environment will allow you to heal and change. Maybe in time you will be able to forgive them and have closure on that part of your life. When you do leave, don't end on bad terms by blaming your parents. They won't understand and people do not like to admit wrong doing, especially when pointed out by others. Just tell them you're leaving to gain independence/job/school, whatever. Perhaps in time they will reflect and realize that they made mistakes in the past.
Of course this is all based on the assumption that your parents are really idiots and you're not just pissed off because they won't let you play sc2 
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Maybe it has something to do with clan liability, that was common practice in China for the longest time - as for why chinese parents are so prone to beat their kids. Because if they do not punish you, society would punish you and them.
My father beat me as a child, once because I scared him a lot by not coming until until 23:00, was like 9 at that time. The other time I was 6 and stopped speaking, which is socially not acceptable behaviour I guess.
Do you remember why your parents beat you? Were they scared? Or did you really fuck up something? Also, the relation you have to your parents should change once you get older. Maybe you were to scared to ever open up to them again. Then it is up to you to look over their flaws and see the good sides of them, If there aren`t any, move on, but most likely it will be best for your developement to a more complete human to get them to know as people.
A Video in the spoilers that illustrates how a "healthy" relationship to at least one of your parents should develop:
+ Show Spoiler +
Don`t take life to serious, you won`t make it out alive either way.
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Norway28492 Posts
the reason why is the belief that they themselves have turned out okay. and they themselves were beaten when they were kids. personally I don't think they turned out okay though because they hit children.
anyway;
hitting your children is a somewhat effective way of teaching your kids not to do something. but it also teaches two other highly important lessons; 1: that the most important is to not get caught doing something and 2: that if someone else does something you disagree with, it's right to hit them. if you were only aiming to teach someone obedience and nothing else (other than the aforementioned extra lessons), hitting them would be one of the best ways to accomplish this, but it's normally employed "pedagogically" by people whose understanding of children's learning is very very lacking.
hopefully your bad experiences with being hit will enable you to abandon the circle of violence and not hit your own children if you end up having them. and yea, I think you just need to move out and establish yourself, and frankly, don't reach out to them unless they reach out to you. now we're kind of going into an area where I can't give any more generic advice because I don't know enough details about your personality or life experience so far for anything I say to be valid though. but it generally seems like people who hate their parents for any prolonged period of time extending past their teenage years, honestly never end up reconciling because their parents are past the point where they change. thus normally you just have to move on and stop expecting anything from them for you to be able to achieve contentness/happiness on your own.
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It's a quick and easy way to discipline and vent on children.
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On May 26 2013 22:37 Liquid`Drone wrote:
the reason why is the belief that they themselves have turned out okay. and they themselves were beaten when they were kids. personally I don't think they turned out okay though because they hit children.
anyway;
hitting your children is a somewhat effective way of teaching your kids not to do something. but it also teaches two other highly important lessons; 1: that the most important is to not get caught doing something and 2: that if someone else does something you disagree with, it's right to hit them. if you were only aiming to teach someone obedience and nothing else, hitting them would be one of the best ways to accomplish this, but it's normally employed "pedagogically" by people whose understanding of children's learning is very very lacking.
hopefully your bad experiences with being hit will enable you to abandon the circle of violence and not hit your own children if you end up having them. and yea, I think you just need to move out and establish yourself, and frankly, don't reach out to them unless they reach out to you. now we're kind of going into an area where I can't give any more generic advice because I don't know enough details about your personality or life experience so far for anything I say to be valid though. but it generally seems like people who hate their parents for any prolonged period of time extending past their teenage years, honestly never end up reconciling because their parents are past the point where they change. thus normally you just have to move on and stop expecting anything from them for you to be able to achieve contentness/happiness on your own.
Couldn't agree more, wise words.
You won't change your parents, so try to get away from them as soon as you feel mentally and financially stable enough. You don't have to make a big deal about it, you don't have to like never see them anymore or stuff like that, just don't reach out to them regularly like you would otherwise and don't get too emotional over their words. They have their reasons for the way they act, you have your own reasons, and your own reasons are far more important whenever it is about decisions you have to make for yourself.
As long as you are tied to them you will always project your problems on them and fault them for it, even if it is just subconsciously. But the fact is, your problems don't change just because your parents caused them to be there. You have to deal with them yourself and find a healthy way to get rid of them and find more happiness piece by piece 
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because not every parent is a good parent
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On May 26 2013 23:29 rabidch wrote:
because not every parent is a good parent
This.
If more parents would hit their kids form time to time we would not have such fucked up youth these days.
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United States24483 Posts
On May 26 2013 23:57 Juggernaut477 wrote:Show nested quote +On May 26 2013 23:29 rabidch wrote:
because not every parent is a good parent This. If more parents would hit their kids form time to time we would not have such fucked up youth these days.
I have seen problems with discipline in children, but I don't think parents who act like the OP's parents are the solution.
I'm okay with giving a 3 year old a smack on the behind if he tries to run out into the street, or do other equally dangerous things. Once the child is old enough to be reasoned with however hitting is not the solution.
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On May 27 2013 00:09 micronesia wrote:Show nested quote +On May 26 2013 23:57 Juggernaut477 wrote:On May 26 2013 23:29 rabidch wrote:
because not every parent is a good parent This. If more parents would hit their kids form time to time we would not have such fucked up youth these days. I have seen problems with discipline in children, but I don't think parents who act like the OP's parents are the solution. I'm okay with giving a 3 year old a smack on the behind if he tries to run out into the street, or do other equally dangerous things. Once the child is old enough to be reasoned with however hitting is not the solution.
Yeah, there is a difference between abuse and discipline.
I was just talking to my brother the other day, who has a daughter that just turned 18. He was telling me about the one time that he hit his daughter, when she was 3. Basically she get into a fuse box and was messing around, turned some shit off, he smacked her and said to never go near it again, and of course, she never did. Now to this day, I constantly hear about how he is a terrible abusive father etc from his ex wife's side of the family. But I feel that instances like that, it is perfectly ok. You can't really explain to a 3 year old that doing that is dangerous and can kill them, but if you hit them they will at least think " if I touch that again my dad will hit me, I'm not gonna do it again."
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Norway28492 Posts
you actually can explain to a 3 year old that something is dangerous. but yea, if you hit your kid once or twice during its entire upbringing and that happens as a consequence of the kid doing something very dangerous for himself or others then that does not constitute abuse of chilren and it's like.. "okayish". but I don't accept that there's ever a scenario where hitting children is preferable to not hitting children (and talking properly to them instead)
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How can kidz know what's right or wrong if they don't have physical and emotional trauma to scare them away?
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Your parents sound like assholes. Some time away will do you good. But stay active, keep moving.
Unrelated to beatings, I had a conversation with my parents the other day about some "stuff from the past," and just like your parents they genuinely believed they did nothing wrong. On the contrary, they believed they did what they should have done. It wasn't to this degree you're going through, but I am familiar with trying to talk to my parents about my feelings and them being completely oblivious or guiltless. Parents. Am I right?
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EPT
