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Well, since my last blog, things have gone from bad to worse. After my father passed away from cancer at the age of 71, I've developed a severe cancer phobia. I've been a pack-a-day smoker for the past four years and I drink from time to time so I now associate any pain or unusual sensation with some type of cancer.
I would convince myself it was in my brain. Then in my bowels. Then in my lungs. I was pushing my mother to the edge of her sanity, as she herself had breast cancer last November and is now in remission. She was always torn about trying to convince me that I don't have cancer and that I should trust her since she's both my mother and also a registered nurse of forty years and also trying to convince me that she believes I'm actually feeling these symptoms and that she's not ignoring me out of disregard.
My latest symptom sprang up in June. I had sharp throat pains that would radiate up into my ear. I also had a feeling of something caught in my throat. I felt hoarseness in my throat, too. I was beyond convinced I had throat cancer. I cried to my mother so much that it would embarrass any normal male my age at twenty two. I would refuse to leave my bed. I wouldn't speak to anyone. My relationship with my current girlfriend is already long-distance since I moved back with my mother to help her and now I make it worse because I refuse to communicate.
Finally, my mother gave in after a month of my pleading and took me to an ear, nose, and throat specialist. He gave me a check up and said I had acid reflux. Exactly what the first doctor diagnosed when I went to the emergency with chest pain that I was convinced was lung cancer. I demanded a chest x-ray and it was fine.
I did the same thing this time.
I didn't lose my composure, but I just sternly said to the doctor "The pain in my throat isn't unbearable, but the fear that it gives me is absolutely unbearable. Please, are you sure it isn't cancer?"
He looked at me like I was crazy and said "I didn't see anything in your throat. And at your age, you're out of the ballpark for cancer." and sent me on my way. I had an acid reflux medication filled. I started taking it. But the pain wouldn't go away. I even started smoking again one day because I knew I was dying and my days were numbered and I just didn't care anymore.
I can't say it's getting better. The pain doesn't seem to be getting any worse. But it just won't go away. Every day, I look at my throat obsessively in the mirror with flashlights. My sink is covered with every different type of flash light I could find. My mother told me that she can see my hand prints all over every single mirror in the house from me balancing myself while I examine my throat.
My hygiene has also basically just gone out the window as well. I don't even remember the last time I showered or brushed my teeth.
It's been two months of this throat pain and I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't stop thinking it's cancer. I just can't. My brain won't let me.
This is what it's like to live with hypochondria. This has been one of the worst periods in my entire life.
  
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Strange that you know exactly what the problem is and yet can't change yourself... but I guess we are all like that in some ways, just usually not this extreme.
But won't avoiding showering and brushing your teeth only give more medical problems?
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On July 30 2011 15:29 Turbovolver wrote:
Strange that you know exactly what the problem is and yet can't change yourself... but I guess we are all like that in some ways, just usually not this extreme.
But won't avoiding showering and brushing your teeth only give more medical problems?
Of course it will make me feel worse, but I just can't break myself of this. The throat doctor said my tonsils, throat, and everything as far down as he could see was red and swollen. Maybe it would get better if I kept my mouth clean, but I just don't have the motivation to do anything anymore.
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I used to be somewhat of a hypochondriac as a kid. Every time I would learn of a new disease I would be periodically self-checking for symptoms of it. For a few years I thought I might have testicular cancer (that was a fun one :/). Most recently, I developed this odd sensation in my side. It rarely hurt, but it often felt like there was some sort of growth or foreign object in me above my left hip and below my ribcage. They ran some blood tests and did an ultrasound and found absolutely nothing abnormal. The doctor told me that they could do a colonoscopy if I really wanted, but advised that I just live with it. I decided on the latter. It went away a few months later. I'm still not sure what it was, but I suspect it may have been some sort of dull muscle cramp from the way I sit when I drive (I was delivering pizzas so I was driving 5+ hours a day at the time and it dissapeared soon after I stopped).
I never experienced an anxiety as severe as the op, however, and I think it's something I've mainly grown out of. I wish I could help you, op, but if the words of qualified medical professionals can't persuade you, I doubt anyone on the internet can. I hope you start taking better care of yourself. Worry will never help you, but making positive changes to your lifestyle WILL improve your chances for good health later in life. I wish you the best.
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On July 30 2011 15:49 pubbanana wrote:Show nested quote +On July 30 2011 15:29 Turbovolver wrote:
Strange that you know exactly what the problem is and yet can't change yourself... but I guess we are all like that in some ways, just usually not this extreme.
But won't avoiding showering and brushing your teeth only give more medical problems? Of course it will make me feel worse, but I just can't break myself of this. The throat doctor said my tonsils, throat, and everything as far down as he could see was red and swollen. Maybe it would get better if I kept my mouth clean, but I just don't have the motivation to do anything anymore.
It kinda sounds like you have tonsillitis or something similar. Not cancer though, cancer is usually asymptomatic in the early stages.
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It sounds like neither of reflux or cancer, yeah =/
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On July 30 2011 16:23 Uranium wrote:Show nested quote +On July 30 2011 15:49 pubbanana wrote:On July 30 2011 15:29 Turbovolver wrote:
Strange that you know exactly what the problem is and yet can't change yourself... but I guess we are all like that in some ways, just usually not this extreme.
But won't avoiding showering and brushing your teeth only give more medical problems? Of course it will make me feel worse, but I just can't break myself of this. The throat doctor said my tonsils, throat, and everything as far down as he could see was red and swollen. Maybe it would get better if I kept my mouth clean, but I just don't have the motivation to do anything anymore. It kinda sounds like you have tonsillitis or something similar. Not cancer though, cancer is usually asymptomatic in the early stages.
I keep telling myself that. I keep telling myself that if I had symptoms of cancer for two months that I'd be losing weight and coughing blood, but no amount of rational thought affects my fears at all. Granted I've lost a little weight because my extreme anxiety makes me lose all appetite.
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If logic and negative diagnosis won't help, your hygiene and relationships are suffering, and the obsession turns to something else after your throat inevitably gets better, you could perhaps consider anti-anxiety medication. It sounds like you recognize, on some level, that you almost certainly are not dying and that this is a psychological issue.
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I keep telling myself that. I keep telling myself that if I had symptoms of cancer for two months that I'd be losing weight and coughing blood, but no amount of rational thought affects my fears at all. Granted I've lost a little weight because my extreme anxiety makes me lose all appetite.
Sounds like you should seek professional help. People on the internet probably won't be able to help you when it sounds like you do have a legitimate mental illness.
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I used to think I had cancer as a kid all the time. Headaches because of a stiff neck? Brain cancer. Got hit in the balls and it still hurts a bit 3 days later? Testicular cancer. Big mole? Skin cancer.
After a while I just stopped giving a fuck. Every time I felt like this time I was going to die for sure, and eventually I just hit the point where I thought that if I get cancer, it doesn't matter since I'll be fucked anyway and will most likely die. I pretty much accepted fake death. Most of the time treatment isn't going to help. Somehow that got me through my hypochondria.
If the medication isn't helping, maybe you should tell your doctor that. The funny thing is that since you don't brush your teeth, the infection in your throat/mouth will just get worse and you'll feel even more pain. Or the pain is all in your mind. In that case you can deal with it yourself or go see a therapist.
ps. I'm not an idiot and will still go see a doctor, if I suspect I have cancer and yes I know some cancers are more likely to be cured than others.
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+ Show Spoiler +On July 30 2011 16:39 pubbanana wrote:Show nested quote +On July 30 2011 16:23 Uranium wrote:On July 30 2011 15:49 pubbanana wrote:On July 30 2011 15:29 Turbovolver wrote:
Strange that you know exactly what the problem is and yet can't change yourself... but I guess we are all like that in some ways, just usually not this extreme.
But won't avoiding showering and brushing your teeth only give more medical problems? Of course it will make me feel worse, but I just can't break myself of this. The throat doctor said my tonsils, throat, and everything as far down as he could see was red and swollen. Maybe it would get better if I kept my mouth clean, but I just don't have the motivation to do anything anymore. It kinda sounds like you have tonsillitis or something similar. Not cancer though, cancer is usually asymptomatic in the early stages. I keep telling myself that. I keep telling myself that if I had symptoms of cancer for two months that I'd be losing weight and coughing blood, but no amount of rational thought affects my fears at all. Granted I've lost a little weight because my extreme anxiety makes me lose all appetite.
Throat cancer is more like skin cancer than lung cancer. You don't need an x-ray, if he looked in your throat and said you are fine, then it's ruled out. You sound like you have globus, which can be tough to treat, and is probably related to your anxiety. When treating hypochondria the first thing is to rule out illness, which it sounds like your doctors have done. Now I would try to find a psychiatrist or psychologist to see.
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I can kind of understand what you are going through. It's definitely not a fun thing to deal with, and I will try to take the time to summarize my experiences with a somewhat similar condition, in the hope that it helps you with yours.
When I was younger, I developed a strange chemical imbalance that created a near impossible to diagnose anxiety disorder. Basically, I started to have random increases in heart rate. I thought that since I smoked and used that perhaps I had a heart malfunction or some type of arrhythmia (I was born with a small heart murmur that healed even before I turned 1).
The fear of having a heart attack or dieing at the age of 17 or so scared me. I had multiple ER visits, EKGs, and even wore a mobile EKG system to make sure I was ok, because my blood pressure was always fine and even at a high heart-rate, my heart was always shown to be healthy.
After about of year of hell, monitoring, and finally some heavy stress tests ect, it was finally decided that my heart was completely fine, and in reality I was just having panic attacks.
This of course led me to try an understand what a panic attack was. Acute panic attacks are something that generally accompanies some sort of anxiety disorder... but that was the hard part to believe, since I was never worried or anxious about anything, even my health. Generally, the symptoms started first, and those symptoms are what created the worry, rather than the other way around. Obviously unconvinced that my problem was mental rather than physical, I started to play armchair physician and diagnose myself with possible problems.
The problem with this approach is that so many possible problems all share the same symptoms, or could potentially create the symptoms I would feel. Pretty soon, it wasn't just my heart anymore, it would be a strange headache or dizziness. My arms and legs would go numb. I knew I wasn't hyperventilating, so I thought it had to be something else. Over a lot of time, more ER visits, and more hell and self realization, I had come to the conclusion, along with doctors, that these symptoms were psychosomatic, and the cause was anxiety/depression.
But again I thought to myself... What the hell??? I'm not depressed, and I'm not anxious. WTF is going on? How can my symptoms be the after effect of a worry or sadness that doesn't exist until the symptoms have started?
Regardless of my personal confusion, I really started to get sick of feeling like shit, physically, and emotionally. I made it my goal to figure out what the hell my problem was and try to fix it. I obviously went to my doctor and did as much research on anxiety, rather than my imagined physical ailments, as I could. I talked to a therapist, but it didn't do a whole lot of good, as I didn't generally have any emotional or anxiety problems. I did however, come to the realization that the simple instances of these numerous frustrating times themselves were causing me a great deal of stress, even if I didn't worry or get sad about it.
Stress can work a lot like depression, and when you have a lot of it without a good way to get rid of it, it can certainly manifest itself in other ways. Regardless of how this all came to start, it was certainly a cycle of stress that would result from, and also become the cause, of the anxiety like attacks I was facing. This cycle put me through a lot more hell, and more ER visits.
The difference was, this time, I knew what was going on. I knew all the factors, I knew what was happening, but It didn't keep me from seeking help when when the symptoms got so bad I felt like I was going to croak. I started feeling like the boy who kept crying wolf, but I didn't see an alternative.
Finally, I broke it down hard with an ER doctor, and he was shocked. To paraphrase, he wondered how the fuck did I go through so many systems proactively and not get prescribed some type of medication. He gave me two Clonazepam, and within 20 minutes I was completely fine. All I could think was WOW. 3 years of constant hell, and all it would have taken was one competent or concerned doctor or therapist to prescribe me the most standard and basic anxiety pill out there.
But it's not all rainbows. I still have these attacks, sometimes they are weak, sometimes they are strong and sudden. Regardless, I am very knowledgeable as to what they are, and the steps I need to take to alleviate them the best I can, at least for the immediate symptoms. This isn't the case with everyone... some people seek help, and they never have to really deal with it again. Others like me are not so lucky.
The important thing, is to be responsible about it. Try your hardest to mitigate the damage you can, most importantly for yourself, and for your family and friends.
I strongly recommend seeing a doctor and doing research about your hypochondria, the stress it causes you, and what you can do to try to alleviate it. You are at a stage where you can admit to yourself hypochondria is the problem, and that is the problem you need to focus on. It is not easy, but hopefully with competent caring professionals around you, you will find some form of treatment that will work for you.
Try to quit smoking if you are strong enough. The fewer chemicals you have messing with your mind, and the general healthiness you feel can help a lot, especially since right now your hypochondria seems to be revolving around cancer.
Running can be helpful. Exercise in general releases endorphins and also helps to relieve stress.
Try to keep a regular sleep schedule, humans are rhythmic creatures, and good habits generally start on the foundation of a good sleep schedule.
Hopefully that helps. My problem is a very unique one, and doctors still don't know what to actually do about it. I still have mild to severe attacks, and sometimes I still have to think about the whole "boy who's crying wolf dilemma (whether I actually have a problem or I am just thinking it up), but at least my "disorder" is on the bottom of my list of problems, instead of at the top, which I am thankful for. Your problem is unique, as most peoples are, but it doesn't mean you should be any less pro active about it.
Best of luck to you, I know personally how much this kind of thing can kind of ruin a persons quality of life.
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On July 30 2011 19:04 Hypertension wrote:+ Show Spoiler +On July 30 2011 16:39 pubbanana wrote:Show nested quote +On July 30 2011 16:23 Uranium wrote:On July 30 2011 15:49 pubbanana wrote:On July 30 2011 15:29 Turbovolver wrote:
Strange that you know exactly what the problem is and yet can't change yourself... but I guess we are all like that in some ways, just usually not this extreme.
But won't avoiding showering and brushing your teeth only give more medical problems? Of course it will make me feel worse, but I just can't break myself of this. The throat doctor said my tonsils, throat, and everything as far down as he could see was red and swollen. Maybe it would get better if I kept my mouth clean, but I just don't have the motivation to do anything anymore. It kinda sounds like you have tonsillitis or something similar. Not cancer though, cancer is usually asymptomatic in the early stages. I keep telling myself that. I keep telling myself that if I had symptoms of cancer for two months that I'd be losing weight and coughing blood, but no amount of rational thought affects my fears at all. Granted I've lost a little weight because my extreme anxiety makes me lose all appetite. Throat cancer is more like skin cancer than lung cancer. You don't need an x-ray, if he looked in your throat and said you are fine, then it's ruled out. You sound like you have globus, which can be tough to treat, and is probably related to your anxiety. When treating hypochondria the first thing is to rule out illness, which it sounds like your doctors have done. Now I would try to find a psychiatrist or psychologist to see.
Don't you need a tube with a camera put down your throat to see if there's cancer there? I keep reading all these throat cancer symptoms and it always says something about lumps, ulcers, discoloration, and all this other shit. So, I guess if he didn't see any of it, then I guess I don't have it.
That should be enough to put my mind at ease, right? Well, it's just not putting anything at ease for me.
For example, when I was going through my brain cancer phase, I was convinced my vision was becoming blurred because I read that was a symptom. I was convinced I was losing my balance. Then I read that losing feeling on one side of your body was a symptom of brain cancer so I was constantly giving myself a little scratch on one arm and then on the other to make sure I had the same level of feeling in each one. It just seems like I always find something new to worry about and this pain in my throat that won't go away just sprang up at the absolute worst time.
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On July 30 2011 19:20 Vansetsu wrote:
But again I thought to myself... What the hell??? I'm not depressed, and I'm not anxious. WTF is going on? How can my symptoms be the after effect of a worry or sadness that doesn't exist until the symptoms have started?
Great post. This part in particular sounds exactly like me. I know it's mostly mental, but again, this pain in my throat has been there for two months and it will not go away. My father died in February, I started having hints that I was descending into hypochondria madness around the end of April, then it went full-blown in May and then I was just starting to come out of it.
Until this fucking throat shit started.
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Did you ever see a counselor? Sounds like you need to talk to someone who can help you more than we can.
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Hey pubanna, I just want to add in my two cents because I've also been struggling with hypochondria. (Man, it even makes me cringe to use that word, to try and accept that it may be just in my head).
Mostly, I have stomach problems: constipation, diarrhea, cramps, etc. For the longest time I believed I had bowel cancer. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've been to the ER, had x-rays, CAT scans, and blood tests. I had a colonoscopy, small bowel follow through, etc. -- all diagnosing me in good health.
For a while, I would carry a thermometer around with me to constantly check my temperature. (Extreme huh?). I realized that what was frightening me was not the disease itself (what disease?!), but the prospect of a disease. It was the unknown. It was the fact that my body was suffering and there was no diagnosis. Or rather, there was a diagnosis, but it was not sufficient for me. I was constantly gripped by fear and I started to cry for no reason. I started to get anxiety (itself full of effects, such as shortness of breath, fatigue, etc.) and this lead to depression.
In the end, I had to see a counselor and start taking Zoloft. My life has drastically improved, but I should admit that I'm still struggling with hypochondria. It is difficult to accept that many of my symptoms may be the result of psychosomatics -- in other words, all in my head.
Now, I go to the gym every other day and try to eat as healthy as possible. I still have stomach pain very often, but I've learned to deal with it: meditation, heating pad, etc. I try to acknowledge what stressful situation may be triggering it and then mitigate the situation.
I really sympathize with you, especially when you write about that "fear." It's like a tangible thing, gripping you, taking over your life. But the thing to remember is that you are still alive, and you're feeling, and you have control over how you perceive all of these things. Wish you the best of luck and just know you're not alone.
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On August 01 2011 05:46 Rayzorblade wrote:
Hey pubanna, I just want to add in my two cents because I've also been struggling with hypochondria. (Man, it even makes me cringe to use that word, to try and accept that it may be just in my head).
Mostly, I have stomach problems: constipation, diarrhea, cramps, etc. For the longest time I believed I had bowel cancer. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've been to the ER, had x-rays, CAT scans, and blood tests. I had a colonoscopy, small bowel follow through, etc. -- all diagnosing me in good health.
For a while, I would carry a thermometer around with me to constantly check my temperature. (Extreme huh?). I realized that what was frightening me was not the disease itself (what disease?!), but the prospect of a disease. It was the unknown. It was the fact that my body was suffering and there was no diagnosis. Or rather, there was a diagnosis, but it was not sufficient for me. I was constantly gripped by fear and I started to cry for no reason. I started to get anxiety (itself full of effects, such as shortness of breath, fatigue, etc.) and this lead to depression.
In the end, I had to see a counselor and start taking Zoloft. My life has drastically improved, but I should admit that I'm still struggling with hypochondria. It is difficult to accept that many of my symptoms may be the result of psychosomatics -- in other words, all in my head.
Now, I go to the gym every other day and try to eat as healthy as possible. I still have stomach pain very often, but I've learned to deal with it: meditation, heating pad, etc. I try to acknowledge what stressful situation may be triggering it and then mitigate the situation.
I really sympathize with you, especially when you write about that "fear." It's like a tangible thing, gripping you, taking over your life. But the thing to remember is that you are still alive, and you're feeling, and you have control over how you perceive all of these things. Wish you the best of luck and just know you're not alone.
The diagnosis not being sufficient ... that sums it all up for my situation. I actually remember reading your blog about your bowel troubles some time ago. Thank you for reading and replying, it really helped me.
Well, things got pretty bad yesterday. I had a panic attack because I was up all night searching my symptoms on Google and I noticed even my weird symptoms like sinus irritation and headaches and teeth tingling were signs of throat cancer, so I lost it and ran to the emergency room. The doctor checked my throat and ears and said something about my acid reflux medicine and how it SHOULD be working by now.
This made me start shaking uncontrollably and I was about to cry and I said "Then it's ...." and I guess he could tell that I was dreading some awful diagnosis like cancer and he said that I may just need a higher dosage or a different acid reflux medicine altogether and the usual line about how I'm too young to have cancer. Then he referred me to a gastroenterologist for an endoscopy on Thursday.
Completely gripped with fear about what the that doctor will find.
Realistically I know that if I had cancer in my throat or esophagus for two months that I'd probably be losing weight and coughing up blood or something. I can't even tell which symptoms I actually have anymore. I thought I was having difficulty swallowing because I knew the food might get caught between my throat and cancer tumor and choke me. Then one day, I decided to find out for sure and ate a big bite of an egg sandwich with no water to wash it down and swallowed it whole. It got stuck in my esophagus and I panicked. I drank a lot of water and it eventually went down. Then a while later I felt like something was creeping up my throat. So, I just let it come all the way up and the second it hit the back of my throat, it burned and felt sour.
So, the shit got stuck in my throat - that's cancer. But then it came back up and it was sour - that's acid reflux. That's how my entire day goes. I will do something to test to see if it's cancer and then I'll rationalize it as acid reflux and I'll just go back and forth doing that.
The only things that keep me from being absolutely ballistic and uncontrollable with anguish and grief about cancer is that I wake up with a wheeze. The throat doctor said it's acid washing up into my windpipe while I'm laying down. And since I only have it when I first wake up, that must mean acid is flushing into it which must mean I have acid reflux.
I don't even fucking know anymore, I'm just terrified and can't conclusively know anything until Thursday ...
Edit: And did I mention I've never had a day of heartburn in my life and no actual symptoms of acid reflux, either? That also scares the living shit out of me. The throat doctor said it's "silent" reflux.
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So what if it is cancer? It seems at this point the only thing that will satisfy you is someone telling you that you have it. And even if you do have it what does constantly worrying about it do for you? Why not just say, 'okay, I do have cancer but no one will diagnose it. I might as well live the most productive life I can while I'm still here.'. That's all anyone can really do anyways. I understand that this is all easier said than done..
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EPT
