Stream of consciousness incoming, brain dump abound.
It has been years since I felt like I had a good view of what I wanted. I'm almost 25 now, and while my personal relationships are fulfilling and pleasing, my professional life and work ethic has gradually formed into a rancid dumpster. When I was young, around 15, or 16, when I wasn't playing games I had the yearn to work with technology, program, and learn about security. Yet, I did not instill into myself a work ethic or discipline that yielded results. Therefore, when I went to college, I floundered horribly. Inter-personally, I actually felt like I flourished. I met great friends, had many good experiences, but this was all underneath the fact that Computer Science coursework was soul crushing, and the idea of being a software engineer was too intimidating for me to handle.
I have a horrible habit of romanticizing what I believe to be some tech industry Gods. Peter Norvig, John Carmack. Moxie Marlinspike, Paul Graham, Rob Pike. I look up to these people even though I have nothing in common with them. I've never created anything of importance, even to this day. I get beat down by the idea that I can't compare to these people, that I can't even come close. Yet, I simply cannot stick to one skill, hobby, or something that I am trying to learn. However, I have a chronic lack of focus that while does not seem clinical, just simply unrefined. I try and tell myself it's not too late, and while that might be not be true for some things, the inevitability of life will eventually make that true for all things. Now I am old enough that I can psyche myself out with things that I will now never be able to accomplish, like being a progamer, or a pro athlete. Is that what I even want now? No. Yet, fear of missing out, or dread from having missed out, is very real.
Yet, I am still making the same mistakes I have been my whole life. I can't commit to one interest, and because of this lack of commitment, and this refusal to work hard, outside of my base cognitive skills I do not have something I am 'good' at. I'm at the point of my life now where being good or serviceable at games isn't enough (cause I've never been amazing). I was told once that if all else fails, if I can't force myself to do something, then all I need to do is suffer long enough for that need to finally present itself. Yet, all my life I have found the easiest, decent paying jobs. I'm not a software dev, but I work low level IT. It's no stress, the schedule is a bit unusual, but otherwise I shouldn't be complaining as much as I do now. The simple fact is that I'm unfulfilled, and unchallenged. I'm stuck between the cognitive dissonance of wanting to do something fulfilling, but not feeling up to being challenged.
I find my thoughts changing almost daily... Will working a harder tech job fulfill me? Should I be content and happy staying in the low-stress, dead-end job I'm in now? Should I move out of the state I've lived in my entire life, and see somewhere new? Should I welcome and accept change, or continue my conservative life-style choices of safety and comfort? Should I change careers entirely?
Every time I have a potential answer to one of those questions, another question pops up, and I am overwhelmed by the possibilities. The reality is that I'm lost. I'm floating around in the ocean. I may not be entirely alone, but so many people now are moving in their direction, with purpose and pride, but I haven't even charted a course. It was enough a few years ago to not know what I wanted, because there were so many of my peers that also didn't know. Now, whether they are fulfilled or not, they have a direction that they're striving toward. For the first time I recognize I have truly stalled out, and have barely any momentum any longer.
You're not alone and it's a common thing amongst a lot of different people. Sounds like your hesitation might be the fear of failure based on this line?
but so many people now are moving in their direction,
Comparison is the thief of joy my friend, but these changes you're suggesting are quite impactful on your livelihood so your feelings are valid. So from the sounds of it, you could continue writing on the same chapter of life or start a new one. Whatever direction you choose in life just try to be safe. :D
Your complaint is strikingly reminiscent of a letter from a certain Roman statesman, Serenus. He tells Lucius Seneca about almost the exact same frustration and asks for advice. The advice can be found in the treatise called On tranquility. I strongly recommend you read it. But not just once, at least three times, I think. And who knows, maybe you will find something to apply to your life and reach that desired condition where your mind is focused, in clear view of its goal, ready to take the work and make stuff happen. I know this treatise surely helped me in this regard. I wish you all the best.
On May 29 2021 17:45 JoinTheRain wrote: Your complaint is strikingly reminiscent of a letter from a certain Roman statesman, Serenus. He tells Lucius Seneca about almost the exact same frustration and asks for advice. The advice can be found in the treatise called On tranquility. I strongly recommend you read it. But not just once, at least three times, I think. And who knows, maybe you will find something to apply to your life and reach that desired condition where your mind is focused, in clear view of its goal, ready to take the work and make stuff happen. I know this treatise surely helped me in this regard. I wish you all the best.
I've read the letter from Serenus now, and find it quite intriguing. I will invest some time in the full text. Thank you for the recommendation.
On May 29 2021 21:25 Glueburn wrote: I've read the letter from Serenus now, and find it quite intriguing. I will invest some time in the full text. Thank you for the recommendation.
The letter pales in comparison to the response, I tell you. It's obvious Seneca wrote it thinking about publication, there's a certain pomp and of course his style is archaic but it's still such a masterful essay on a controversial topic that I find it astounding it's not being shown in literature classes. And Marcus Cicero as well, probably the best prose writer in history, yet he barely gets a mention sometimes. Enough off-topic, I'm glad you took my recommendation seriously, I really am. You should find Seneca's advices really useful on top of skillfully described.
Do you want to achieve notability for something you love, or merely achieve notability? Nothing wrong with merely being content, or adequate at things. I had the same kind of worries, still do to some extent.
To really excel requires either freakish ability, or an incredible level of interest in a subject that is itself rather freakish to me. For years I had the ‘if I focused at x I’d boss it’ kind of mentality until I realised I just don’t have that level of singular focus.
Which is fine, better not to fight one’s own nature. Doesn’t mean one shouldn’t try to excel where one can either. In my case I just have to cycle between my various hobbies when I get burned out, and they usually cycle back in.
Plus sometimes I get some inspiration in one area that carries over to unblock me elsewhere. For example programming improvement is mostly driven by me writing tools to aid me with musical creativity blocks.
Like previously said, what you feel is pretty common. I'll just say there's no "right" way to live your life. You make money to eat and support your favorite hobbies, you've built relationships; overall you're happy. Don't feel pressured by stuff your friends are doing or what you see on TV, etc. There's a part of US culture these days where it almost seems like, if you're not hustling or pushing the envelope, then you're a loser and not living "the American dream." I hate it. It's perfectly fine to be comfortable with where you are. Everyone is different. There is no "right" way.
That being said, maybe consider looking for opportunities at your job to learn something new, if you feel really bored. Like maybe there's a project you can pick up that you don't know how to do, then you can volunteer to work on it. Small steps.
I just have to point out that TL is probably the only place in the web where people ask for guidance and someone references applicable ancient Roman wisdom. I love this place.
To respond in general to some of the posts here, I would like to note that it is not exactly that I am looking to make my status in life as high profile as some of the people mentioned in my original post. I think there is a lot of wisdom in letting go of your ego, and realizing you may not be passionate in something, or will never be the best in something, but it is quite difficult for me. However, what I believe I am missing is a creative endeavor. I've tried a million different hobbies: writing, animating, painting, drawing, music, and etc. As one might expect from someone who has no formal training in any of those things, I've failed to create anything that I find pride in. Perhaps my viewpoint can change to be utterly content with who I am now, but I have an urge to produce, rather than mindlessly consume. The hours that are truly 'mine' (i.e. not consumed by work, and not spent fostering and enjoying my relationships) are filled with mindless drivel.
The most unfortunate part about this, is that the 'hobby' that I do have formal training in, make money in, and grew up doing... That is, programming, IT and tech tinkering, I find mostly unfulfilling now. I'm just around because it's relatively lucrative and easy.
On June 02 2021 11:06 WombaT wrote: Do you want to achieve notability for something you love, or merely achieve notability? Nothing wrong with merely being content, or adequate at things. I had the same kind of worries, still do to some extent.
To really excel requires either freakish ability, or an incredible level of interest in a subject that is itself rather freakish to me. For years I had the ‘if I focused at x I’d boss it’ kind of mentality until I realised I just don’t have that level of singular focus.
Which is fine, better not to fight one’s own nature. Doesn’t mean one shouldn’t try to excel where one can either. In my case I just have to cycle between my various hobbies when I get burned out, and they usually cycle back in.
Plus sometimes I get some inspiration in one area that carries over to unblock me elsewhere. For example programming improvement is mostly driven by me writing tools to aid me with musical creativity blocks.
I'm unsure of whether freakish ability is required, but I want to create something that I am proud of. I feel a bit shameful that I haven't made anything I'm proud of to this day, though I try not to regret. Unfortunately my nature is not to push myself, and be lazy. This all would be easier if I could actually pursue one singular creative endeavor, rather than losing interest in one pursuit, a month at a time. I care about quality, and the act of jumping ship so many times hasn't resulted in a very positive experience for me, rather than opening up roadblocks as it has for you.
In the end though, it's just up to me. I've been unsatisfied with my recent string of therapists, so obviously TL was the second best choice, I suppose it has been the more helpful one recently. I've found just the active of expelling all these thoughts in the original post to be helpful enough to make me feel less melancholy regarding my current situation.
You must accept the fact that battling laziness/inertia and getting the absolute most out of yourself and the time you have on this planet is a never ending struggle. inertia is the most powerful force in the universe man.. and u must fight it. and its a constant struggle. always has been.. always will be. It is intrinsic to life.
Any living organism that stops fighting inertia... dies. For the most advanced form of life, the human, welp the human might not die a physical death tomorrow if that human decides to stop fighting inertia.. .however that human will die spiritually.
On May 29 2021 02:48 Glueburn wrote: Every time I have a potential answer to one of those questions, another question pops up, and I am overwhelmed by the possibilities. The reality is that I'm lost. I'm floating around in the ocean. I may not be entirely alone, but so many people now are moving in their direction, with purpose and pride, but I haven't even charted a course.
On May 29 2021 02:48 Glueburn wrote: I have a horrible habit of romanticizing what I believe to be some tech industry Gods. Peter Norvig, John Carmack. Moxie Marlinspike, Paul Graham, Rob Pike. I look up to these people even though I have nothing in common with them. I've never created anything of importance, even to this day. I get beat down by the idea that I can't compare to these people,
don't sit around romanticizing. don't sit around contemplating what other people do. Try out different jobs and see what meshes best with your constitution and personality. Fuck these people.
Best thing I did was work in lots of different roles. I had 6 different temporary full time jobs from age 18 to 22. I also had 4 stints in some pretty serious part time work from age 16 to 20. Via sheer trial and error.... I found my niche. The other good thing that happened to me is my mom kicked me out at 18. BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
Before these experiments in my late teens and early 20s.... my "north star" isn't some far away guy like John Carmack. My biggest influences are my grandfather's brother , my uncle, and Rick Strahl. They all live the "indy coder" lifestyle. They all created their own software that they sell. Furthermore, they provide support extending and expanding the software for their biggest customers.
Rick Strahl made "West Wind Web Connection". My grand-uncle made SysPlan fo the MPE XL OS on the HP 3000 mini-computer. Around age 20 I decided I must do something similar in order to gain 100% independence away from working full time.
damn... that picture was taken in November... what a life!
ok , fuck New York, i'm moving to Hawaii!
On May 29 2021 02:48 Glueburn wrote: Yet, I am still making the same mistakes I have been my whole life. I can't commit to one interest, and because of this lack of commitment, and this refusal to work hard, outside of my base cognitive skills I do not have something I am 'good' at. I'm at the point of my life now where being good or serviceable at games isn't enough (cause I've never been amazing).
quit whining dawg... "...if you do not engage in intensity or passion in your life then you are not living your life..." , James Hellwig.
"every day when you wake up there are two doors in front of you. There are thundering knocks at each one of them ... behind one lies your destiny and living ... behind the other lies death..."