EPTEach chapter begins with a song that somehow describes the contents of that chapter, I've translated some of the lyrics if the song isn't in English.
A prelude - ”War Horse”
I started playing Starcraft casually in late 2003 early 2004. The game has been a part of my life for a long time, and it has produced many great moments and I’ve had the fortunate chance of meeting really cool people via Starcraft, like my old clan that still meets once a year IRL for a fun weekend.
I started traveling to a lot of lan events to play Age of Empires in late 2005 and 2006. During that time the lan scene was thriving in Finland and the most popular games were CS 1.6 and RTCW / W:ET, but most lans would have a tournament for Age of Empires II and I wanted to compete in as many of those I could. After competing in a few lans I realized that I’m actually quite decent at the game, and I kept going, battling and practicing. I wanted to win. And I started to win some smaller tournaments, which drove me to play even more and become even better at the game. I started winning bigger lans and becoming better at the game and I even was ranked top25 on the online ladder for a long time.
During those days I noticed quite a few people playing Starcraft at the lan parties and I simply thought that its a lesser game when compared to AoE. Yet, every lan I went to had more and more people playing Starcraft. I knew the game, I had played through the campaign and played some casual games, so I gave it a shot. After losing a lot of games and playing for a while I realized this game was something else, I wasn’t beating everyone like I usually did in every other game. I slowly became more and more interested in Starcraft and the intricacies that it had. The mechanical aspect of the game was something that really interested me. The game is so stupid, which makes it so so difficult and everything felt like a challenge, even the simplest tasks.
I slowly found myself playing more and more Starcraft and less and less AoE.
I was obsessed.
I started playing more and more 1v1’s instead of BGH or other not so competitive maps, and I eventually hit my peak at the rank of B. To be honest, I kinda abused the ladder system and racepicking. I played pvp zvz and pvt back in the day, notably playing zvz for almost 3 years and almost never building a lair.
When Starcraft 2 launched, I played it for a while. Achieving high masters multiple seasons and to be honest, I had fun with the game. But something was missing. It didn’t quite feel right. It felt wrong. The mechanical aspect that kept me playing BW was completely missing and all the maps felt really similar. Maps have always been an interesting thing to me, coming from an AoE background where maps are generated randomly for each game, one of the things that really always bothered me was set maps. But that didn’t matter in BW that much, every map felt like a puzzle that you couldn’t quite solve. There were so many different approaches to every single map that it made it interesting. Also map mechanics are quite interesting to me, for example a 5 second difference in spawn location travel time can make a map unplayable or playable. All those little things.
I eventually quit Sc2 and didn’t play anything for a while.
Chapter I - ”Thunder”
”Leave the fear behind you today
Thunder,
vibrates the ground, I escape
It's useless for my love to fear, fear longing
It's useless to fear that, fear life”
In December of 2016 I met up with some friends and for some reason we started talking about BW. Later that night, I decided to download the game and play a few games for fun. And that I did. I played some 2v2 and some BGH. I had a great time, so many good memories rushed back into my mind and I thought that maybe I should start playing more Starcraft again.
And that I did.
The next day I started playing 1v1’s again and I found myself having a ton of fun. Games were a bit harder to find but I was enjoying the game and I felt the passion reignite inside me. I promised myself that I would grind and get better, and better.
And oh boy did I play.
After 500 days of play, 7783 1v1 games and multiple hours of rage and frustration, here I am. I’ve kept stats of every ladder game and practice game I’ve played in an exel sheet. I’ve had ups and lows in my play, I’ve seen my pvp win% drop from a solid ~82% after 700 games played to a lower 63%, and I’ve seen my pvz win% raise from a low of ~18% after 400 games to a ~40% winrate.
![[image loading]](https://i.imgur.com/JgQ6PBJ.png)
Stats of all my 1v1's ladder/prac games.
During the play, I experimented with a lot of stuff. I played sair/reaver for exclusively in pvz for over a year, after that I started doing 2gate builds and the latest adaptation was submitting to being a slave of the meta and opening with the Neo-Bisu build. I’ve seen my pvt go from 2base carriering almost every game to going for a classic ”mass gates, deny 3rd”-style to a lot of center gate → 2 gate goon openings in the last few months. My pvp has always been pretty much the rock-paper-scissors of 3 builds, dt expo, 10/12 gates and 3gate goon. But especially lately I’ve felt that my execution hasn’t been up to par.
![[image loading]](https://i.imgur.com/9pU9Vp5.png)
Stats of my games during last 3 weeks.
I expect myself to be more than what I am.
During the 500 days of play I also saw the change from iccup to remastered. I was really happy about that, playing someone after clicking a button once? Wow, automated matchmaking sounds so great. But when I think about it now, I would really prefer an iccup like system. I could talk about these issues for a long time, but to put it short. Que times are way too long for me, actually whispering someone or pinging someone on discord finds me a game faster. Turn rate drops and lag are hell, I can play someone from North America with TR 24 L0 one day but the next day I play a fellow Finn and TR is 8 with L1. There is no 2v2 ladder, I love 2v2 and its probably my favorite form of Starcraft right after island map 1v1s. The fact that I can’t compete on a ladder system just makes me disappointed. Also channels in game are usually empty, I really miss banter in random channels ingame. But the biggest factor definitely that bothers me about remastered specifically is that you can’t racepick on ladder. I’m an avid believer that you should always be able to pick the map and the race you want to play. Taking this feature away from the game has made the game much less fun for me. Having to learn a pretty much completely new matchup and not being able to pick the map for every game you play is really annoying. I truly believe that most issues that have appeared since the launch of remastered could be fixed by giving players the ability to host ranked lobbies that appear in the game list for 1v1 and 2v2. I know this could cause some win trading issues but they weren’t an issue on iccup, I don’t see why that would be problematic on remastered.
Chapter II - ”From Hell to East”
”Don't swear anything
From Hell to East we travel
Don't swear anything
It's a long trip, anything can happen
This is like a strange place
It can be that I get lost in life
Or it can be that I stay right here”
From Hell to East we travel
Don't swear anything
It's a long trip, anything can happen
This is like a strange place
It can be that I get lost in life
Or it can be that I stay right here”
I’ve always been a very competitive person.
A very competitive person.
Naturally when playing a game like BW I will sign up to tournaments, even if I know I have absolutely no chance to win. Sometimes just to have fun and fool around, sometimes to try my hardest. During these 500 days I played in many CfC’s, TLOpens, RCCs and so on. I signed up in those for fun and mostly to fool around. But I’ve tried my best in some tournaments when I felt like it. RTL was one of those tourneys for me. Even if I mostly played 2v2’s I really practiced and tried to do my best in each match I played. I only played one 1v1 in RTL and lost it, but played the 2v2 for my team every week but two and only lost once. I am proud of that, I feel like the hard work I put in actually payed off there. I was really hyped to play STPL but lately my success in ladder and prac games hasn’t been that great. And being as competitive as I am, I think its best for my team if I don’t play any STPL games anymore.
When talking about tournaments, I have to mention my own tourney. The RWML.
I had an idea. I wanted to play some of the old weird maps. Why, one might ask. I’ve always been interested in mapping, and map mechanics. I wanted to host a fun casual league for weird maps that all have weird mechanics, and that I did. I was surprised how many people signed up and it was actually overwhelming. To be absolutely honest, I didn’t host the tournament for the players or the community, and I didn’t expect anyone to be interested in it. I hosted it for myself. I just wanted an excuse to think about maps and have fun with them, I even created a few maps to use in the league but as the tournament progressed towards to end I saw it becoming more and more competitive, which wasn’t my intention and thus didn’t use those maps. If you haven’t heard of the tournament or haven’t seen it on the TL calendar, the reason for that is that I didn’t really want anyone watching it. I couldn’t care less if anyone watches my tournaments or my streams, I’m not doing it for you. I’m doing it for myself. If you wanna watch and you enjoy watching, go ahead. I’m not stopping you, but my intention was never to please anyone else but me, but if you were pleased; good for you!
Organizing a tournament has been a lot of work and I want to thank everyone who have helped me in any way, I want to thank all of the participants and I might do this in the future, but at the moment. I’m unsure if I will.
Chapter III - ”Pig”
”The pain won't stop. the pain won't stop
You won't get mercy by begging
Enjoy the ride, get ecstatic about blood
A fat pig lives in every one of us
The pain won't stop! By begging! The pain won't stop!”
Who am I?
What is my history?
What kind of a person is behind the nickname ”rOuta” ?
”Millane tuatto, moine i poigu” is Karelian for ”Like father, like son”. I can remember my late grandfather and my father saying these words to me many many times and I hold them very dearly in my heart.
I am a very proud and confident person.
I am proud of my Karelian heritage, being a part of a really small minority is a big part of my life, and I was taught to be proud of that. I am proud that Karelian is my native language and Finnish is my second language. I am proud to be Finnish, but I am even more proud to be Karelian. I am proud of the things I have achieved in life, but when I look back at my life it feels like a blessing, but somehow at the same time it feels like a curse. I’ve achieved many things in my life, and I’ve had pretty straightforward path to where I am right now. I’ve set a goal for myself, and I’ve pretty much succeeded without exception. When I was 15 I finished 3rd in a national math competition, I graduated high school with the highest grades possible in every subject except Swedish (fuck that language btw). I finished my military service achieving the rank of second lieutenant (highest possible rank you can achieve during military service in Finland). I got accepted into 4 different universities the first year I applied, etc etc. I could go on, but I don’t want to brag or gloat, but the point I’m trying to make is that no matter what I’ve done in my life, I’ve pretty much always succeeded, no matter what. That gives me confidence, I am very confident no matter what I do and I am very proud of that.
I am a very stubborn person.
A part of my success in life is my stubbornness. If I don’t succeed at first, I’m gonna keep trying the same thing over and over again till I can figure out a way to make something work. This isn’t always a great way to deal with things, especially when it comes to BW or human relations. Being a stubborn person is sometimes great, but sometimes its a hindrance. Especially if you acknowledge it. I’ve seen people give up in situations where I would just keep going, sometimes giving up is the smarter thing to do, but thats not me, at least most of the time.
I am a very straightforward person.
This is an attribute I possess, that I am not so proud of. If I think of something, I say it out loud. I usually have no filter between my thoughts and my words. Especially on the internet. I can be very mean, because I usually don’t think about what I’m saying and how other people might react, if something feels right to me, I do it. I don’t really filter my actions or words.
I think very highly of myself.
Being proud, straightforward and stubborn are some of the attributes that define me as a person. And when I think about my success in life and what I’ve achieved. I tend to think of myself more highly than I think of other people. I think its best expressed via an example, if I meet someone for the first time, I automatically assume that I am smarter than them. I try to keep it in me, but sometimes that makes me look like a complete asshole, and I’m not proud of this. I’ve tried to work on being nicer and a better person but I can’t help it most the time. I have to admit it, I’m kind of an asshole and usually I don’t give a good first impression. One could say that makes me a ”pig”.
I am a weird person.
I can safely say that by the norms of pretty much any society on this Earth I can be classified as weird. I live my life very differently from your average Joe, I enjoy weird things and I am a slave to some very weird habits. I think of pretty much all things in life in a very alternate way when you compare it to the norms that society sets. Once a friend told me this ”You are the weirdest motherfucker I’ve ever met, you do the weirdest things and you have the weirdest thoughts about life and how one should live their life, but thats why people like you I guess” and I’ve thought about those words many many times, and I think that is the most accurate way to describe me as a person in less than 10 seconds.
In a way, the name rOuta, describes me well. Routa is the Finnish word for ”frost”. One might think of me as the layer that separates the normal and the abnormal. A yearly occurrence that forces the ground to something abnormal from its natural unfrozen state. I am that guy who makes you think of different things in life or see a familiar thing in a different way.
I can relate all these attributes to my gameplay.
I do weird builds like sair/reaver, and I am very stubborn about them, I think very highly of the things I do ingame, and I am very proud that I do them and the things I do are usually really straightforward and could be classified as aggressive, I’m in your face each game, I open with center gates and don’t give a shit about if scout my intentions, I don’t care if you know, I’m gonna be in your face and pressure you. It is pretty straightforward. And most of the time I am (over)confident that I will succeed.
Chapter IV - ”In a unpleasant place”
”I’m feeding evil spirit with my body
to session to deal justice
I will never let go of it
even they punish me because I hang on”
I’ve described some attributes that define me as a person in the previous chapter. You don’t have to be a genius to realize that if you are a person like me you can cause a lot of controversy and you can get into fights or arguments pretty easily.
During these 500 days I’ve found myself in many arguments and fights. Most of them have been caused by me, or the decisions I’ve made in games or outside the game. Looking back at them, most of them have been really childish and I pretty much regret all of the fights or arguments I’ve gotten into because of my actions. I tend to agitate people with my actions and I am aware of that. I have not handled these situations how I should have. If I have offended you, I am terribly terribly sorry. A few of these situations were caused by choices I made while organizing RWML, and I owe an apology to the people I have offended. If you are reading this, I am terribly terribly sorry and I don’t know if you can ever forgive me for the things I have done or said. I am sure my actions hurt you, and I intended to at the time, but looking back at it, I just look like an idiot and I am sorry for that. So if you can ever find room in your heart to accept my apology, please contact me. But I have to say, in the last 6 months I’ve had a rough patch in my life and I hope you understand that I didn’t act the way I did because I am that person, my actions were mostly actions of frustration, anger and stupidity.
I’ve gone through a lot in the last ~6 months. I don’t want to get into that much detail in a public post about my personal life, but it includes the death of a close relative, a long relationship ending, some personal health issues which I will describe more in the next chapter and a lot of stress. In hindsight, playing ~15 games of BW per day during this time, trying to constantly improve, running a league, casting and streaming a lot during this time might have not been that smart. But what I did has been done, and I can’t change the past. I hope it can explain some of my actions though, I’ve not been my usual self in the past 6 months, and I should have recognized that earlier. My mind has not been at peace and that has reflected in my actions, I regret that.
Littlechava, TT1, Chobo and mekhami. If you read this, I am terribly sorry for my actions and I hope that you can forgive me.
Chapter V - ”Gloomy”
”A whisper reached my ear
and the shadows returned upon my head
the dark, dismal and silent god.
The sounds of the forest shatter.”
and the shadows returned upon my head
the dark, dismal and silent god.
The sounds of the forest shatter.”
”Gloomy” is a word that describes my life perfectly at the moment.
I’ve suffered from a sleeping disorder pretty much all my life, so having trouble with my health is nothing new to me. But roughly a month ago I learned that in addition to the sleeping disorder and the personal problems I’ve had in the past months; I’m also suffering from vitamin D malabsorbtion and that I’ve suffered some permanent damage to my eye. This was rough news to me, but everyone goes through battles in their life, and once you win those battles it makes you a stronger person. This is a battle that I have to win, but I can tell that its not fun waking up to your eye bleeding.
Remember when I told you I was stubborn? Many people would quit playing or doing the things they do if the would be in the situation I am currently in. Yet I didn’t, and I think I realized that too late. When you take all the things that are going in my life into account, I think its wiser to fix some of the negative things first and then return to the things you usually do in life. But I realized that kinda late.
When I take at the win% of the last few weeks in BW, I can see my situation reflecting in my gameplay. And to be honest, I don’t know if its smart to keep on playing anymore. BW is a very stressful game and when you are not that comfortable in life, I don’t think its a smart to keep putting more stress on yourself. And just for clarification, because I am one stubborn motherfucker, I wouldn’t make this decision if there weren’t multiple reasons, the first one being the struggle with my health, the second being issues in my personal life, third one being stress, fourth one being the dissatisfaction with the current state of remastered, constant lag issues, not being able to racepick, no 2v2 ladder, long que times and so on, and finally the fifth one being my own dissatisfaction with my own play, I hate losing and I can’t win enough at my current state to satisfy myself with winning because my current problems in life are strongly reflected in my play.
Its a hard thing for me to say, but I can’t play well enough in my current situation that I don’t despise myself and lash out on others due to anger and frustration.
I’ve made the decision to step away from BW after RWML finishes, which at the time of posting this blog, should be in a week or so. I have no idea, if I will return, or when will that be if I do. I just know that this is a goodbye, but not a farewell. I know I can’t keep my hands off the game for the rest of my life, but I know that I won’t be playing 1v1’s for a while. I will still be maintaining my map collection of over 50 000 maps and I will be mapping and figuring out bugs and glitches in new competitive maps if they appear. I will still watch ASL, BSL, STPL and other tourneys, but not as regularly because I don’t want to feel tempted to start playing again if my situation in life isn’t better.
I want to thank everyone who has been a part of these 500 days that I’ve been around again, I’ve had good times and bad times, if you have been a part of that, I thank you. I wanted to write a personalized list of thanks here but I realized after doing it for an hour that its gonna take too long.
I want to thank clan Red for the opportunity to play in STPL. You are a great group of people and I’d love to hang around with you more one day if I find myself coming back to the game. I feel I let you guys down though, I am terribly sorry for that.
Chapter VI - ”Where the morning dawns”
”You took the sun from me
The moon and the stars, celestial bodies
You gave me darkness instead
It chains my spirit in a grimmer manner than the night
What would I trust anymore
When even my own voice seems unfamiliar
Wrong
To whom would I turn to
Who would find me from the midst of darkness
Help me
Help me
Take me to safety
Carry me
To where the morning dawns”
What will I fill my free time when I don’t play BW? I really don’t know, I’ve been enjoying Tooth & Tail lately but I don’t wanna get too competitive so I don’t really want to play that game too much either. The most important thing for me to is focus on myself, I will probably go canoing when the weather gets a bit warmer and the lakes aren’t frozen. I’m also planning to go camping without for 10 days alone when my health allows me to do that. A nice little retreat from all the stress and issues is in order so I can find a better place for my mind, fishing could be also nice.
I’m still probably gonna keep on making maps though, I’ve had a great time mapping even when I’ve had a bad time playing. Mapping is interesting and I think it forces you to think about things in a different way than while playing. Who knows, I might not return to competitive play but I might keep making maps.
I’m still really passionate about BW. This game represents a passion in my life that will never truly go away. The more I think about it, BW is the only thing that I haven’t really found any success in, and maybe thats the thing that makes me come back, even if the game makes me dance on the edge of insanity. I truly believe BW is the greatest game ever made, and there will never be a game that will be better, I truly believe that. I also know that I will return to BW one day in some form, I just don’t know when and what will I do. I guess I could say this: “I will be back once the night is over and the morning dawns”.
This is not a farewell, and to be honest, not even a goodbye. I will be saying my goodbye when RWML finishes, if you wanna tune in to that, do so, I will announce the final casting date in the thread once I get confirmation from the players when they will play.
If I had to make a final note or some point in this blog that isn’t useless rambling, I’d say that would be that you need to recognize the ups and downs in your life, don’t stretch yourself too thin, don’t make the same mistakes I did. Stop for a second and ask yourself: “Should I be doing the things I doing? Do I enjoy what I have now? Should I be aiming for more? Do I have to do the things I do?”
Keep battling if you feel like it, I know I don’t. I’m gonna end this blog with a quote that describes
my situation:
“So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
-J.R.R Tolkien
