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The Ceiling

Blogs > Caissa
Post a Reply
Caissa
Profile Blog Joined April 2012
United States48 Posts
May 16 2013 18:59 GMT
#1
Short poem I wrote in class about day dreaming

I sit here,
admiring thee,
Wondering how they find you so mere
for that I can simply not come to see.

Tiled.
Squares and shades.
The disproportioned lengths give illusions wild.
But the day goes on and the feeling fades,
Only to leave me floundering in a deep haze

Blinded as the lights turn to scorching fire balls,
miniature suns dotting her for whom my soul calls.
the vents turn to gaping holes
leading to a land nobody knows,
an endless landscape dreamt,
Where as a hero I remain gallant.

But dreams are fleeting,
And this man is still bleating.


****
Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering.
[UoN]Sentinel
Profile Blog Joined November 2009
United States11320 Posts
May 16 2013 21:57 GMT
#2
Needs a little more structure, especially the rhyming part. I think the lines vary a bit too much.

The imagery is quite nice though. This poem takes on a whole new level in a congressional context, spoken by a senator.
Нас зовет дух отцов, память старых бойцов, дух Москвы и твердыня Полтавы
HolyExlxF
Profile Joined March 2011
United States256 Posts
May 16 2013 22:00 GMT
#3
Moar meter.
ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
Epishade
Profile Blog Joined November 2011
United States2267 Posts
May 17 2013 02:35 GMT
#4
I thought it was pretty good. It's abstract enough that it sounds good, but not so abstract that you have a difficult time understanding it. What do the first two lines in the second stanza mean though?
Pinhead Larry in the streets, Dirty Dan in the sheets.
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