Very recently, while walking down Broad Street towards Richmond's downtown in the early morning dusk, I, a noble and virtuous pastor of Christianity, happened upon an african american couple arguing in the street. (This was a Saturday so we were virtually alone besides a few passing busses) The following conversation is one hundred percent true; call it divine intervention that I chanced upon these two souls.
Man: (he was drunk, swinging a bottle; made me warm and fuzzy because it reminded me of my dad!) Hey YOU. Don'chu walk away from ME!
Woman: STOP FOLLOWING ME.
Man: What do I hafta do to get you to talk tuh'me?
Woman: GET A JOB. SHIT.
Man: Wha? Get a job? Dat supposed to make me feel bad? HEY WHITE BOY.
(He points the bottle at me and I freeze like a deer. A white, virtuous, Christian, noble, chivalrous, virgin, endearing deer.)
Man: Do YOU think dat makes me FEEL BAD?
(The woman stops too and looks at me expectantly. I cautiously approach them.)
Me: Well, let me ask YOU a question.
Man: Nah manl You answer--
Me: Did I say you could open your fuckin' mouth?
(Drunk man falls silent.)
Me: Are you two married?
Me: Then you made that HOOOOLY HOLY bond UNDER GOD?
(They nod again.)
Me: SO YOU (point at woman) PROMISED TO HONOR AND LOVE AND OBEY AND SHIT YOUR HUSBAND, CORRECT?
Me: AND YOU (point at man) SOLEMNLY SWORE TO HOLD AND CHERISH YOUR SACRED WIFE'S VIRGINITY, RIGHT? UNDER GOD.
Man: You bet.
Me: SO. JUST. WHAT. IS. THE. FUCKIN. COMMOTION?
Wife: HE won't get a Guddamn job!
Me + Man: Woah woah woah woah.
Me: You mad?
Man: You maaaaaaaad.
Man: I pay the bills! You have a roof over your head!
Wife: You pay the bills because the BILL DON'T EXIST. And homeless shelters don't count as roofs muthafucka!
Me: But don't you two still feel the SACRED LOOOOOOOVE only fostered between two legal adults legally married under LEGAL CHRISTIAN LAW?
Me: And don't you two feel HOLY GOD on this street in this mecha of civilization?
Me: Then I decree: re-consumate this marriage right here on this street RIGHT NOW.
Woman: You mean have sex...?
Man: I'm down.
Me: YES. Either that or just promise you'll do it later, either way.
Woman: I promise!
Man: (suddenly sober and dressed in a white robe) As do I!
Me: Excellent. Let the Holy Spirit cleanse your soul and REJOICE, FOR YOU HAVE PROMISED TO HAVE SEX AT SOME UNSPECIFIED POINT IN THE FUTURE.
Woman: Are you an angel?
Me: No. I am but a man.
Man: I'm in awe.
Me: Me too. Now let's go to RED ROBIN.