No. This guide is about brains; fresh and tasty human brains.
This is a guide about your secret inner compulsion to methodically stalk humans for a feast paramount to any other. It is about your path as a zombie, an intrinsically simple yet mysteriously effective entity.
But along the way you might learn a thing or two about winning in Starcraft.
This guide will prepare you for a life as a pro-gamer, however treacherous, or a life preying for human flesh in the darkest undead realms.
You may dream of being the best gamer in the world, with an army of pro-gamers who train more effectively than anyone else. However unless you follow the way of the zombie, you will never attain such power.
The zombie gamer is the future of pro-gamers and if you follow this guide, you could lead the horde.
There are many guides for becoming pro at Starcraft but instead of reading those you are reading a zombie’s guide. I can tell already that you are different, you stand out from the crowd of gold league nobodies (even if your in bronze, or don’t have much of a body).
I see a zombie in you.
So walk with me, or crawl, as we talk about the tactics of a zombie.
The skills you will learn as a zombie are vastly powerful. Zombies have always been known as insurmountable, strong, and ultimately.. successful.
The battlefield in Starcraft is unsafe terrain, your opponent will not usually give up their brains without force and more often are out to kill you from the start. It is not the place for those lacking a spleen, other body parts are however optional.
Most people think zombies are dumb and slow, lazy even. Just because a zombie is coming after you slowly does not mean that it is lazy. A zombie could not possibly be more invested in their goal. If a zombie walks slowly to their destination it is only because their muscles have rotted away. Could you walk without your muscles? A zombie will walk until their legs are cut clean off and even then they will begin to crawl. Even if nothing is left but a skull and spinal cord they will still inch forward like a worm with the same furious persistence.
The focus and dedication of the zombie is what you need when you play Starcraft. A zombie doesn't stop laddering because of a simple headache, or a bad day. The only thing that stops a zombie is a shotgun to the head or decapitation.
Zombies also ignore the dead and only feed on the flesh of the living. This allows zombies to be 100% efficient in their efforts.
If your opponent has a lot to say about imbalances (right before you eat his brains) you don’t care. A zombie doesn't stop to talk about imbalance when it is up against a nail gun, flamethrower, or even a tank. You shouldn't either, if there is no more brains to be had, move on.
Zombies are always calm. Their blood doesn’t pump, they don’t get sweaty palms, if they even have palms. You can’t concentrate if you are nervous so be like a zombie and keep your anxiety to a minimum.
There are times when you just need to blindly charge in. Zombies never succeeded by sitting around formulating plans, or waiting for more backup. You can’t find the holes in your opponents defense unless you poke often (even if it means crawling through sewer drains, or breaking through the moon roof). A single zombie finding a weakness in their prey will instill fear and cause mistakes so that when backup arrives there will be less defenses.
Don’t fortify yourself. A zombie never boarded up a window, or built a fortress. They are too busy trying to get into other fortresses to think about such matters. You can leave taking shelter, in a place where your trapped, to those who are soon to be lunch.
Before the zombies are banging at the door of an old barn, or lumbering around the gas station. Before everyone in town knows where they are and what they want (brains), the first attack is always unsuspected. Disorder is desired before making a frontal assault. Catch your opponents off guard from the very first attack.
A Zombie does not worry about their status. They don’t envy other zombies because they ate more brains today or have more flesh than they do. They don’t doubt their abilities or intelligence. They only think about getting more brains. A zombie doesn't decide they are too old or too slow to eat that brain. Zombies attain their goal because they never convince themselves that they are somehow handicaped.
If your going to be a zombie you need to be confident, no matter your ladder rating. A zombie doesn't know what a ladder rating is nor does it care.
Make yourself look smaller than you really are. You never see a zombie standing tall, they slouch forward in order to deceive their enemy. They scout like ants getting information before sending in the horde.
Zombies don’t do it alone. Infect others so that they will join the zombie army. Tell them about the ways of the zombie and expand your zombie empire. Accept anyone who is willing to be bitten. Remember all zombies may have some knowledge that is beneficial in your brain-eating plans.
A zombie doesn't converse with their dinner. This is only a distraction. If you must say something say “uhhrg”. You might get lucky and confuse your prey.
Victim: gl hf
Victim: you ok, you mad bro?
Victim: u ther?????
Victim: I hate when I supply block
Most importantly, if you don’t know what to do. Think “What would a zombie do?”.