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A Zombie's Guide to Starcraft

Blogs > Adrenaline Seed
Post a Reply
1 2 Next All
Adrenaline Seed
Profile Joined August 2010
United States194 Posts
September 19 2011 01:51 GMT
#1
First of all, this is not about winning in Starcraft, or failing to understand how to practice, or how to analyze your replays.

No. This guide is about brains; fresh and tasty human brains.

This is a guide about your secret inner compulsion to methodically stalk humans for a feast paramount to any other. It is about your path as a zombie, an intrinsically simple yet mysteriously effective entity.

But along the way you might learn a thing or two about winning in Starcraft.

This guide will prepare you for a life as a pro-gamer, however treacherous, or a life preying for human flesh in the darkest undead realms.

You may dream of being the best gamer in the world, with an army of pro-gamers who train more effectively than anyone else. However unless you follow the way of the zombie, you will never attain such power.

The zombie gamer is the future of pro-gamers and if you follow this guide, you could lead the horde.

There are many guides for becoming pro at Starcraft but instead of reading those you are reading a zombie’s guide. I can tell already that you are different, you stand out from the crowd of gold league nobodies (even if your in bronze, or don’t have much of a body).

I see a zombie in you.

So walk with me, or crawl, as we talk about the tactics of a zombie.

The skills you will learn as a zombie are vastly powerful. Zombies have always been known as insurmountable, strong, and ultimately.. successful.

The battlefield in Starcraft is unsafe terrain, your opponent will not usually give up their brains without force and more often are out to kill you from the start. It is not the place for those lacking a spleen, other body parts are however optional.

Most people think zombies are dumb and slow, lazy even. Just because a zombie is coming after you slowly does not mean that it is lazy. A zombie could not possibly be more invested in their goal. If a zombie walks slowly to their destination it is only because their muscles have rotted away. Could you walk without your muscles? A zombie will walk until their legs are cut clean off and even then they will begin to crawl. Even if nothing is left but a skull and spinal cord they will still inch forward like a worm with the same furious persistence.

The focus and dedication of the zombie is what you need when you play Starcraft. A zombie doesn't stop laddering because of a simple headache, or a bad day. The only thing that stops a zombie is a shotgun to the head or decapitation.

Zombies also ignore the dead and only feed on the flesh of the living. This allows zombies to be 100% efficient in their efforts.

If your opponent has a lot to say about imbalances (right before you eat his brains) you don’t care. A zombie doesn't stop to talk about imbalance when it is up against a nail gun, flamethrower, or even a tank. You shouldn't either, if there is no more brains to be had, move on.

Zombies are always calm. Their blood doesn’t pump, they don’t get sweaty palms, if they even have palms. You can’t concentrate if you are nervous so be like a zombie and keep your anxiety to a minimum.

There are times when you just need to blindly charge in. Zombies never succeeded by sitting around formulating plans, or waiting for more backup. You can’t find the holes in your opponents defense unless you poke often (even if it means crawling through sewer drains, or breaking through the moon roof). A single zombie finding a weakness in their prey will instill fear and cause mistakes so that when backup arrives there will be less defenses.

Don’t fortify yourself. A zombie never boarded up a window, or built a fortress. They are too busy trying to get into other fortresses to think about such matters. You can leave taking shelter, in a place where your trapped, to those who are soon to be lunch.

Before the zombies are banging at the door of an old barn, or lumbering around the gas station. Before everyone in town knows where they are and what they want (brains), the first attack is always unsuspected. Disorder is desired before making a frontal assault. Catch your opponents off guard from the very first attack.

A Zombie does not worry about their status. They don’t envy other zombies because they ate more brains today or have more flesh than they do. They don’t doubt their abilities or intelligence. They only think about getting more brains. A zombie doesn't decide they are too old or too slow to eat that brain. Zombies attain their goal because they never convince themselves that they are somehow handicaped.

If your going to be a zombie you need to be confident, no matter your ladder rating. A zombie doesn't know what a ladder rating is nor does it care.

Make yourself look smaller than you really are. You never see a zombie standing tall, they slouch forward in order to deceive their enemy. They scout like ants getting information before sending in the horde.

Zombies don’t do it alone. Infect others so that they will join the zombie army. Tell them about the ways of the zombie and expand your zombie empire. Accept anyone who is willing to be bitten. Remember all zombies may have some knowledge that is beneficial in your brain-eating plans.

A zombie doesn't converse with their dinner. This is only a distraction. If you must say something say “uhhrg”. You might get lucky and confuse your prey.

Victim: gl hf
You: uhhrg
Victim: What?
Victim: you ok, you mad bro?
Victim: u ther?????
Victim: I hate when I supply block
…
...
Victim: gg

Most importantly, if you don’t know what to do. Think “What would a zombie do?”.
Think Big. Act Small. Fail Fast. Learn Quickly.
Badfatpanda
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
United States9719 Posts
September 19 2011 01:52 GMT
#2
This should probably be in blogs?
Music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy. -Beethoven | Mech isn't a build, it's a way of life. -MajOr | Charlie.Sheen: "What is sarcastic, kids who have no courage to fight?" | #TerranPride #yolo #swag -Naama after 2-0'ing MC at HSC VI
DreamChaser
Profile Blog Joined February 2011
1649 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-09-19 02:04:10
September 19 2011 02:03 GMT
#3
What have i just read and why is it here?

But i got a good laugh out of it
Plays against every MU with nexus first.
MapleSparKz
Profile Joined January 2011
United States61 Posts
September 19 2011 02:12 GMT
#4
I actually thought this was a pretty sick post dude! Some really interesting ideas about sc2 thrown into an absolutely awesome format. I applaud your efforts and respectfully offer my body to the zombie horde.
Liquid NonY, why don't you win every game!?
Niten
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
United States598 Posts
September 19 2011 02:15 GMT
#5
Yaa this sounds like something for blogs. Not that the post isn't quality -- just misplaced, I think.

Korra: "Ok, I know that I'm not good at emotions, but that's what Tenzin's gonna teach me, right? He's gonna teach me to be happy and gentle and spiritual, and the rest of that bullsh**t."
CaptainPlatypus
Profile Blog Joined March 2009
United States852 Posts
September 19 2011 02:16 GMT
#6
Clever analogy hiding some good advice. I approve, though this may be the wrong forum.
Adrenaline Seed
Profile Joined August 2010
United States194 Posts
September 19 2011 02:30 GMT
#7
As some know, I would not post in Strategy something that wasn't chock-full of good advice and something that gets people thinking. I just read a zombie-themed book and since I am always thinking about Starcraft I made an instant connection. I expected it would be on the fence but that it would also be a great way to get people thinking about their strategy and give perspective in a fun way.

I guess it is up to the mods, but no hard feelings if its moved. No promise I will not eat your brains however
Think Big. Act Small. Fail Fast. Learn Quickly.
ashburn
Profile Joined March 2010
Singapore76 Posts
September 19 2011 04:00 GMT
#8
This turn out to be quite good advice.. Especially in overcoming ladder anxiety
Staboteur
Profile Blog Joined February 2011
Canada1873 Posts
September 19 2011 04:04 GMT
#9
I almost read this thread, but then I realized that reading this thread had nothing to do with my pursuit of fleshy, tasty brains.

...uhh... I mean...

"Uhhhhrg"
I'm actually Fleetfeet D:
GhandiEAGLE
Profile Blog Joined March 2011
United States20754 Posts
September 19 2011 04:06 GMT
#10
uuuurgggh
Oh, my achin' hands, from rakin' in grands, and breakin' in mic stands
whoopingchow
Profile Joined June 2011
United States293 Posts
September 19 2011 04:37 GMT
#11
I hope "uhhrg" catches on. Funday Monday, go!
Ksyper
Profile Blog Joined May 2010
Bulgaria665 Posts
September 19 2011 05:15 GMT
#12
Forget "glhf" it's all about "uhhrg" now.
Hexagecz
Profile Joined February 2011
Czech Republic66 Posts
September 19 2011 05:24 GMT
#13
Brainzzzzz
Infestor =(
Zariel
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
Australia1263 Posts
September 19 2011 05:35 GMT
#14
wow.... from now on, every ladder game i play now i will say Uhhhhrg
sup
Hattori_Hanzo
Profile Joined October 2010
Singapore1229 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-09-19 05:43:00
September 19 2011 05:37 GMT
#15
I'm going mass bio for all matchups and type "urrgh" for all matchups
go go Zombie horde!!! I mean, "UUUURGGGGhhhh!"

*smells brains and stims... Err zombie rages (ala 28 days)
Cauterize the area
Nyovne
Profile Joined March 2006
Netherlands19116 Posts
September 19 2011 05:48 GMT
#16
Blogged!
ModeratorFor remember, that in the end, some are born to live, others born to die. I belong to those last, born to burn, born to cry. For I shall remain alone... forsaken.
Ataxsus
Profile Joined December 2010
Australia33 Posts
September 19 2011 05:49 GMT
#17
That. Was. Awesome. <3
It's better to invent a new job than find one. || ACL Fighting!
asaed
Profile Joined September 2011
United States1412 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-09-20 05:55:42
September 20 2011 05:55 GMT
#18
This is so awesome. I love zombies... and starcraft! What a perfect combo!!!
<3 adrenaline--you are my hero!!
Galatians 2:20
SpaceToaster
Profile Joined October 2010
United States289 Posts
September 20 2011 07:10 GMT
#19
5/5.

Such good advice.

urrgh
LemonSC
Profile Joined April 2010
Brazil20 Posts
October 03 2011 21:02 GMT
#20
Uhhhrg to u, my fellow brain eater!
1 2 Next All
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