EPTMost people’s baseline emotional state can be described as neutral “poker face”. Deviations away from this state vary widely among people, both in frequency and amplitude. This is easily observable in people’s reactions to surprising events.
I have always been incredibly stoic and quiet. My poker face seldom changed. Even showing an emotion like laughing I restricted to limited instances, because that too showed weakness in my failure to see the humour before someone else identifying it. I realized early on that this emotional dissonance was a serious barrier against my socializing and communication needs.
I started to force facial expressions and body language that applied to emotional reactions I had. If I read something I had inhibitions accepting, I furrowed by eyebrows. I started to shake my head subtly in disagreement or rock a slight nod in approval. I pumped my fist after scoring in sports. Perhaps the only thing that truly came naturally was my smirky smiles I actually often had when I found humour. I was an actor putting on a show, but I too often get lost pretending to be cool and stylish.
At some point I began doing some of these nuances even when I was alone. I still am fully conscious that I do it, but I suppose I have been conditioned to do it without deliberation. I question if I am losing my valued control over emoting and becoming a more reflexive person.
Sometimes I feel I need to use brute force analytical intelligence to conform to societal perceptions. There is no question there are substantial benefits to overcoming being seen as boring, aloof, and spiteful, though that is what I may be. I have the need to make friends, attract girls, and network for career growth. I am not fake because my conscious outward expressions reflect my true inner emotion. I concede my goal is to use and affect others to maximize my personal benefit. But this is the same goal for anyone. Does it make any difference that I am aware of my intentions?
